I hope you’ve a had a better Christmas than me, I’ve had better, I’m missing my family and I’m for the foreseeable future I’m stuck in a loveless relationship. I feel as though my tics are coming true, I have been known on occasion, particularly on public transport to shout “I’VE GOT SWINE FLU” nothing quite so interesting but a dose of normal flu that has resulted in a chest infection, a week and a half later and I’m still coughing myself silly. The other tic that’s coming true is the fat tic (!!??) which involves shouting “FAT” at the larger person; luckily the larger people that I know are quite amused by it. My Slimming-World-woman-of-the-year friend next door and her equally cuddly boyfriend fell about laughing when I told them that I was worried about this particular tic and offered me more shortbread. Due to probably a few different reasons; Risperidone, Cadbury’s Roses (a Christmas must) jammy doughnuts and some posh biscuits I have failed to lose that stone that I’ve gained. I’m bursting out of my bras and have found it very difficult to get into my old school clothes (from my teaching days) to attend my “Mandatory Work Related Activity”. I feel like a pair of walking muffins. A pair of miserable muffins that don’t really feel like doing anything much apart from cry. If you don’t hear from me within the next week or so please text me or call me, remind me to eat, wax my legs attend my appointment with my HRT therapist, just check to see if I’m still functioning because I’m feeling pretty low, quite close to calling the local mental health crisis team.
I know some things have to change, for example my relationship, it has remained the same for about 8 years out of 10, me fooling myself that things will change such as him getting a job, him saying that he loves me, him telling me that he’d like children. I’m an idiot, these events will never happen. Lots of little things seem to be pilling up, insensitive comments that he makes and there have been a lot of them lately. Christmas day as we set out to the in-laws with his Dad. I warn his Dad that I may get a bit ticcy and shout if there are a lot of people around (I think that was fairly reasonable of me) and was answered with “mind that you go somewhere else if you feel that happening, like the garden or the bathroom” and my loving boyfriend adds “if you do we’re coming straight home!” this puts me in an awkward, uncomfortable mood trying to mask and minimise every tic. I can’t live like this anymore. This is just a small incident, but the camel’s back is straining, the camel will probably call the crisis team soon when her back breaks after another cruel, cutting comment made by someone she loves.