Embarrassment

Embarrassment

I wrote this post yesterday, but my computer crashed without me saving it, it was also quite a difficult post to write, but now I’ve had a bit more time to think about yesterdays events I have to come to a conclusion and this has been bothering me on and off and I have found it quite difficult to face up to the truth also. I will tell you what that is later.

Back to yesterday, but first a little bit of background so you can see things from my perspective. I was feeling a bit wobbly, still recovering from a general anaesthetic plus also my usual ticcy self, so to put yourself in my shoes imagine this – your wrapped in foil and just come out of the oven, rather like a roast chicken (that represents wearing my leathers) you feel like you’ve drunk several shots of vodka and your legs have been replaced by pieces of balsa wood (GA) turn the volume and the contrast up (TS being sensitive) and cover one eye (I can only see out of one eye at a time hence I only see things in 2D rather than 3D this makes it hard to judge distances and speed of oncoming objects) plus the usual ticcy anxiety that comes from leaving the house. So before we leave the house to do our shopping my partner tells me that we’re going to see his Aunty. “That will be nice I haven’t seen her for a long time”, “But we’re not staying long, not while you’re like THAT!...shouting F*** OFF B****”. I can’t believe my ears, his aunt is a very laid back, warm, lovely, lovely Yorkshire lass, not the type of person that would be bothered by a bit of coprolalia.

So before hand we do the shopping – this is where my troubles begin, the nasty bully boy rears his ugly head, he’s just barged past an elderly man, I don’t want to, to be honest I’m not sure if I can fit through the gap as I have the basket and I’m feeling very clumsy. “Get a f******g move on, Dummy!” he shouts, this riles me up “DON’T SHOUT AT ME LIKE THAT”, “Don’t embarrass your self” I feel like something he’s trod in. This isn’t the first time he’s belittled me like this in public. It’s a frequent occurrence, I dread shopping, I’ve told him about this attitude towards me and compared him to the warring couple that we once saw in Tescos – that battle seemed equal, she gave as good as she got. However I don’t feel equal, I’m not one for public displays of anything, be it affection or anger so I like to keep things under wraps. It’s not so much how he says it it’s what he says, nasty, cutting remarks about things I can’t help (mainly my TS, poor memory) I’m sure (I hope) many people that see him treating me like this would like to put a fist through his face as they would like to do to anyone who they suspect of domestic violence. This is something I dread, what if this words turn into actions? In this instance I feel it isn’t me that’s attracting the unwanted attention it’s him. However, in certain company he curtails his behaviour, he would never speak to me like that in front of my brothers or father (they’re quite big guys, bigger than the titchy English man), he did try and push the boundaries with my Aunt and was meet by a fierce scowl, and “do you actually know anything about her condition (my TS), well you should know that she can’t help it, why don’t you stop breathing?” and you know among mums and aunties information travels quickly. Another choice quote for my Dad’s list.

Me being me I try and brush this incident under the carpet and vow not to bite at anymore of his bully-boy rants. So we finish the shopping and on to his aunty, she has a boat on a canal, just outside Bedworth, she actually lives in North Wales but comes down every now and then to catch up with family, she’s quite a broad minded lady, very intelligent and likes to keep abreast of current affairs, I think she used to be a nurse, she now I guess in her mid 70s but still very active with a busy diary. If I had told her what he had told be earlier in the day, she would just laugh to cover up the shock of her nephew coming out with something like that on her behalf. We stayed for a chat and some tea and cake and she didn’t seem to notice my coprolalia, or at least mention it, in fact the only mention of it was her expressing how awful it must be for me coming up against so many barriers whilst looking for a job and how frustrating it must be not teaching music any more.

Back to my conclusion, the difficult conclusion, I have to face up to it otherwise I’m not going to move on, as somebody once told (a professional, a CPN) that I am indeed a victim of abuse, psychological abuse and should get out of this abusive relationship, he (the CPN) did give me the contact details for a women’s refuge, but I still believe what I’m going through isn’t quite on the same scale as the women who end up I hospital due to their injuries.

4 Replies

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  • quote ' I still believe what I’m going through isn’t quite on the same scale as the women who end up I hospital due to their injuries.'

    You may not be physically injured but you're emotionally/mentally injured which I've recently realised is what I've been through a good part of my life.(not my hubs though i'm fortunate in that). Question is Do you want to spend the rest of your life suffering this abuse? The stress of this abuse will make your TS worse don't you think? May even be the type of copralia you have at present due to the stress & anxiety that bully is inflicting on you. The more i hear about that small minded bully I want to punch him on the nose but more than that i hope he gets TS so he knows what it's like. Why do you stay with him hun?

  • ' I still believe what I’m going through isn’t quite on the same scale as the women who end up I hospital due to their injuries.'

    I think that you'll find most of those women youm entioned above start out with the very same thing in thier minds Catherine. I'm no saint, I will say nastyt hing when me and my gf are in the middle of a big argument but I would never say things in the way your bloke does to you. They seem unwarrented and it's not even like you were in the middle of a raging argument with both of you screaming and shouting at each other. Not that that makes it ok, but to just say the things he does to do you seems so nasty and unfair.

    I know the person above left their comment asking why you stay with him, but I also wonder, if he really thinks these things of you, ie, you being a dummy etc, then why does he stay with you if you are so bad if that makes sense. I'd be tempted to tell him that the only dumb pary about you is putting up with him speaking to you in the way he does. Not that I'm saying you're dumb by the way, but just turn it around and see what he says. Although, better not because if he can speak to you like that in public then God knows what he is capable of behind closed doors.

    Are you tied to him in any way? I mean do you live with him or is it the other way around? I'm guessing you are in a way by the mention of a refuge. I know these can be scary to think about but maybe there is a friend nearby you could move in with? I'm not sure how you are connected where you are as I dont really know much about you apart from the ts but it would be good to take that step forward and get out of there once and forall. You dont need that, no one does. You could always try asking your local Council to help you or maybe ask your CPN fro more advice and help in moving on from the situation you are stuck in.

    If you ever need to bolt urgently there is always a spare room in our home. I spent many years as a kid ruinning from the various men she was with and no one wasnted to really help her and her two kids, we eneded up in a refuge and on various sofas from time to time, we've seen more voilence than most and had it not been for my Mothers sane judgement to run again one night neither me, my Sister or my Mam would be here to tell the tale. It's horrible having nowhere to turn to, and you seem to have many friends on the TA site, so hopefully someone else could offer you a room for a while too should you need it!

  • Ooops, 'many years running from the various men 'Mam' was with' even!

  • We're very much ties togther financially, at the moment I'm on ESA, as a result of this he's unable to claim income based JSA so he's decied that he's not going to sign on just for his NI contributions (contributions based JSA) as only one person in a household can claim an income based benefit. So, I receive ESA for a couple, we also have a joint claim of housing and CT benefit. Also we've been togther nearly 11 years so it's quite hard to break away.