I wrote this post yesterday, but my computer crashed without me saving it, it was also quite a difficult post to write, but now I’ve had a bit more time to think about yesterdays events I have to come to a conclusion and this has been bothering me on and off and I have found it quite difficult to face up to the truth also. I will tell you what that is later.
Back to yesterday, but first a little bit of background so you can see things from my perspective. I was feeling a bit wobbly, still recovering from a general anaesthetic plus also my usual ticcy self, so to put yourself in my shoes imagine this – your wrapped in foil and just come out of the oven, rather like a roast chicken (that represents wearing my leathers) you feel like you’ve drunk several shots of vodka and your legs have been replaced by pieces of balsa wood (GA) turn the volume and the contrast up (TS being sensitive) and cover one eye (I can only see out of one eye at a time hence I only see things in 2D rather than 3D this makes it hard to judge distances and speed of oncoming objects) plus the usual ticcy anxiety that comes from leaving the house. So before we leave the house to do our shopping my partner tells me that we’re going to see his Aunty. “That will be nice I haven’t seen her for a long time”, “But we’re not staying long, not while you’re like THAT!...shouting F*** OFF B****”. I can’t believe my ears, his aunt is a very laid back, warm, lovely, lovely Yorkshire lass, not the type of person that would be bothered by a bit of coprolalia.
So before hand we do the shopping – this is where my troubles begin, the nasty bully boy rears his ugly head, he’s just barged past an elderly man, I don’t want to, to be honest I’m not sure if I can fit through the gap as I have the basket and I’m feeling very clumsy. “Get a f******g move on, Dummy!” he shouts, this riles me up “DON’T SHOUT AT ME LIKE THAT”, “Don’t embarrass your self” I feel like something he’s trod in. This isn’t the first time he’s belittled me like this in public. It’s a frequent occurrence, I dread shopping, I’ve told him about this attitude towards me and compared him to the warring couple that we once saw in Tescos – that battle seemed equal, she gave as good as she got. However I don’t feel equal, I’m not one for public displays of anything, be it affection or anger so I like to keep things under wraps. It’s not so much how he says it it’s what he says, nasty, cutting remarks about things I can’t help (mainly my TS, poor memory) I’m sure (I hope) many people that see him treating me like this would like to put a fist through his face as they would like to do to anyone who they suspect of domestic violence. This is something I dread, what if this words turn into actions? In this instance I feel it isn’t me that’s attracting the unwanted attention it’s him. However, in certain company he curtails his behaviour, he would never speak to me like that in front of my brothers or father (they’re quite big guys, bigger than the titchy English man), he did try and push the boundaries with my Aunt and was meet by a fierce scowl, and “do you actually know anything about her condition (my TS), well you should know that she can’t help it, why don’t you stop breathing?” and you know among mums and aunties information travels quickly. Another choice quote for my Dad’s list.
Me being me I try and brush this incident under the carpet and vow not to bite at anymore of his bully-boy rants. So we finish the shopping and on to his aunty, she has a boat on a canal, just outside Bedworth, she actually lives in North Wales but comes down every now and then to catch up with family, she’s quite a broad minded lady, very intelligent and likes to keep abreast of current affairs, I think she used to be a nurse, she now I guess in her mid 70s but still very active with a busy diary. If I had told her what he had told be earlier in the day, she would just laugh to cover up the shock of her nephew coming out with something like that on her behalf. We stayed for a chat and some tea and cake and she didn’t seem to notice my coprolalia, or at least mention it, in fact the only mention of it was her expressing how awful it must be for me coming up against so many barriers whilst looking for a job and how frustrating it must be not teaching music any more.
Back to my conclusion, the difficult conclusion, I have to face up to it otherwise I’m not going to move on, as somebody once told (a professional, a CPN) that I am indeed a victim of abuse, psychological abuse and should get out of this abusive relationship, he (the CPN) did give me the contact details for a women’s refuge, but I still believe what I’m going through isn’t quite on the same scale as the women who end up I hospital due to their injuries.