As you can guess by the title I’m feeling rather depressed, I can’t quire put my finger on it, it’s not me its society as a whole that’s getting me down. I feel so insignificant and helpless and as though somewhere along the line I have to collude with someone with opposing ethics to myself. This was train of thought that I frequently followed I my late teens and early twenties. By the age of 37 you would have thought that I may have grown out of this, but it’s back. It’s quite a strange but disturbing train of thought that questions everything, from what shampoo I use and where I bought it, to the shoes on my feet and how they were made. It also questions how society operates, which is how this train of thought started off this time.
Initially I started this line of thinking at quite a young age, I was worried about the striking miners and their families and I worried about the threat of a nuclear war. I spent quite a lot of time worrying about these issues whilst still at primary school. My teacher wondered what I was daydreaming about, if only she knew. I then started worrying about animals when I got to secondary school; I worried about the treatment of farm animals and the ethics behind eating meat. I did have some interesting discussions with my RE teacher about this. I was about 12 years old when I became a vegetarian, I got the mick taken out of me, but I was going to stick to my principals (not a single bit of meat has passed my lips until I found a bit of beef mince in a tin of roast red pepper soup a couple of years ago, a certain German, budget supermarket doesn’t realise how distressing that was and only refunded me the cost of the soup). I was also quite politically aware, and I had developed a sense of fairness and passionately disagreed with everything the conservatives did and couldn’t wait to be able to vote. Women were imprisoned when my grandmother was a small girl whilst fighting for women to get the vote, I should use it wisely. I briefly toyed with the idea of being a politician.
When I moved to Colchester, my first attempt at trying to get a music degree, I became a vegan, with my buying power I was choosier about what I bought and where it came from. I even attended a couple of animal rights marches in London. I was very concerned about the make up of society and would have much preferred to opt out and live in a socialist, vegan, feminist, anti-consumerism utopia. But that doesn’t exist, the closest I’d get ever get would be to buy and old bus and become a crusty. I didn’t become a crusty; I enjoy too much the trappings of living in a house.
I’ve gone full circle now, I’ve eaten at McDonalds (veggie burger), I eat cheese and chocolate, I shop at Tescos (begrudgingly), I have leather clothing (to protect me from the road and the elements) and I live with carnivores (human and feline). But now I’m feeling immense guilt, somehow I’ve let my moral standards slip, how can I make a stand against the big corporations that are more powerful than the government? I’m only little, and now my TS has become worse I’m even smaller, as a person with a disability it’s difficult to have a voice in society, everybody’s so greedy, what’s the big deal with flat screen TV’s? What’s the deal with big, fast cars? I don’t want those things, I’m quite happy with my freecycle TV and my freecycle washing machine. My plates and mugs don’t match, but they’re clean and my clothes have come from charity shops. Some politician, I forget her name referred to people with disabilities as “useless eaters”. A lot of politicians are useless eaters, eating up all the taxes we pay on duck houses, goodness knows what else and hobnobbing with the corporate bosses. Meanwhile here I am trying to get a job, trying to get foothold on the roundabout called society. There’s a lot going on and I find it truly disturbing. The idea of opting out and becoming a crusty is beginning to sound really tempting, except that I won’t be able to have a shower everyday. Maybe I should just shut up and take my Risperidone.