Lullaby

Lullaby

I’m so, so tired. I’m tired to the point of tears. I look like the girl from the “Exorcist”, I feel like the girl from the “Exorcist”. Nothing seems to work, I’m starting a new voluntary job tomorrow and I need to get to Birmingham for 10am, that’s going to be tough considering I didn’t get to sleep until 5.20am this morning, and the night before…and the night before….etc..etc…I’m turning into some kind of nocturnal beast, my body wants to sleep in the day but the neighbours won’t let me, I wake up again at about 7am, then enter a weird half sleep have awake phase for a couple of hours. The Zopiclone that my psychiatrist gave me doesn’t work, I even (this is not good, please don’t do this at home or anywhere else, and it was very stupid of me to do it as something nasty could have happened) took my friend’s Tramadol that he left behind. It didn’t have any effect. Tramadol is known to make you drowsy, it also gives you a weird sensation like somebody’s rocking you to sleep, and also when you walk you feel as though your legs are walking beside you – very odd. This didn’t happen. I’ve been reading and reading until my eyes are tired, but to no avail, I read half a novel last night, that’s not bad considering that due to the weird “looping” thing that I do where I read a sentence over and over until I can move on. This isn’t just having an effect on me, I tic before I go to sleep and apparently I tic whilst asleep too, so there I am lying there cracking my neck, grinding my teeth and clearing my throat. Finally when I do manage to get to sleep, I toss and turn and fidget and kick and sometimes talk and rarely walk, one night I’m going to get smoothed in my sleep out of sheer frustration and desperation. This man can usually fall asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow, is this what normal people do? During the day I’m crabby and I constantly yawn, my other half lives off coffee and can snap like a perished elastic band when my tics get on his nerves. I’m sure that if either of us had a job we’d get the sack for being tired and not up to par. I’ve just spoken to my consultant’s secretary; he’s away for about a month. I guess the only thing left I haven’t yet tried is to bang my head on the bedstead until I knock myself out.

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