I’m not feeling too clever today, over the last few days I’ve been very depressed, to the extent that I’ve tested the local mental health services to find out if it’s true that I do actually have access to a CPN. I do, on the end of a phone anyway, so he’ll call me again on Thursday to see how I’m doing and get me another appointment to see my psychiatrist. Sometimes it does feel almost normal to be suicidal. I’m not so much feeling suicidal today, just very tired, I’d rather just crawl back into bed but I’m trying to force myself to be normal (what is normal?) physically I’m not feeling normal, my stomach feels tender and distended, I know it’s endometriosis, last time a doctor had a prod at it she thought it was a rumbling appendix. My head, neck, shoulders and back are also quite painful, I’ve given up on my GP prescribing me cocodamol so I bought some, so at least I can get some respite from the pain, but the tics still go on. It seems to have got worse, this particular tic involves twisting my head around until my neck cracks, and I twist and twist until I get a satisfying crack, a painful crack which gives me a sudden instant dull headache with a sickly feeling. If I don’t get the crack the ticcy monster within craves I get an effect similar to stepping on bubble wrap. This tic is quite problematic at times, not just the damage it causes to my neck and shoulders but to my own entertainment. Being the sad recluse that I am, whilst everyone else is out and about on a Saturday night I’m sitting in front of the TV with a bar of chocolate. I’m not a connoisseur of the usual fodder of “Celebrities dancing on ice factor” stuff but I do enjoy a good murder mystery or what ever you call the genre, I’m a sucker of a good bit of Morse so I was quite pleased to see that on BBC4 that there would be there perfect bit of entertainment – “Commissario Montalbano” (Inspector Montalbano see picture). But of course what silly me didn’t realise is how difficult this might be, subtitles have never been a problem….until now, within my collection of DVDs I do have several that are in foreign languages and it’s never been a problem, from “Delicatessen” to “La Dolce Vita” despite being not a particularly fast reader I’ve kept up to speed, but on Saturday my neck went into overdrive instead of seeing Sicilian landscapes and subtitles all I seemed to see was the mantelpiece and the bookshelves. The body count increased the cracking continued and by then I’d completely lost the plot. Now some might say that dubbing could be the answer, but dubbing is just so wrong, you know when they dub Nicolas Sarkozy on the news that it’s not his voice, and it just seems so wrong it just reminds me of that programme “Eurotrash” en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eurot... does anybody remember it? A rather bizarre programme where strange people would be interviewed and inappropriate dubbing added. Although the odds of Sarkozy turning up on “Eurotrash” would be slim, Berlusconi may have made it and his Italian speech overdubbed with a colourful Yorkshire accent straight out of “Last of the Summer Wine”. Back to films, I have yet to watch “City of God” a Brazilian film, Portuguese with English subtitles.
At some point soon I have to leave the house, I’m not looking forward to it, firstly I have to go shopping tomorrow, this is always stressful, firstly as I feel very much on display and secondly a certain person does get quite impatient with me. I’m also going to London on Friday; I’ve a meeting with the Neurological Alliance, at the moment it seems like a major event just to go to the village shop. I just want to crawl into bed and read a book but reading is also problematic, this problem has been ongoing and does make me feel like the village idiot. My mother likes to tell me how many books she has devoured within a given period (on average 6-7 per week) it’s one book per week if the going is good for me, my next book to read if “Capital” by Karl Marx. My mother does also like to tell me to stop swearing and sniffing despite knowing that these are in fact tics. She lives in her own little bubble. Back to my reading problem, basically I go into a kind of loop, reading the same sentence over and over until I can break away and move on, with this it’s very difficult to remember the plot, and again I may have missed some vital bit of evidence or lost count of dead bodies. It’s quite frustrating. Let me demonstrate. Back to my reading problem, basically I go into a kind of loop, reading the same sentence over and over until I can break away and move on, with this it’s very difficult to remember the plot, and again I may have missed some vital bit of evidence or lost count of dead bodies. It’s quite frustrating. Let me demonstrate. Back to my reading problem, basically I go into a kind of loop, reading the same sentence over and over until I can break away and move on, with this it’s very difficult to remember the plot, and again I may have missed some vital bit of evidence or lost count of dead bodies. It’s quite frustrating. Let me demonstrate. Back to my reading problem, basically I go into a kind of loop, reading the same sentence over and over until I can break away and move on, with this it’s very difficult to remember the plot, and again I may have missed some vital bit of evidence or lost count of dead bodies. It’s quite frustrating. Let me demonstrate. Back to my reading problem, basically I go into a kind of loop, reading the same sentence over and over until I can break away and move on, with this it’s very difficult to remember the plot, and again I may have missed some vital bit of evidence or lost count of dead bodies. It’s quite frustrating. Let me demonstrate. Do you see what I mean? Frustrating isn’t it? Anyway as Commissario Montalbano would say Ciao. For a bit of fun here’s something for you to add your own subtitles or dubbing to. youtube.com/watch?v=2CbfuN2...
Anxiety or something more?