My story

[Dannilorraine]

Hi,

I am eighteen year old femal and i have been suffering with bulimia for about 2 and a half year now, i know i have a problem and it needs to be sorted but i can not face going to see my doctor as i fear what he may say to me. My family do not know about me having bulimia i have hidden it really well over the years, the only people who know is my ex boyfriend, my current boyfriend and his mum.

I know the reason why my bulimia started and it has just excalted over the years to self hartid, i fear everything the weight gain not looking pretty enough, being bullied. I compare myself to everyone i see without realising i do just sitting having a fag outside and i compare my self to the people driving by and i only see them for a split second.

Over the years my bulimia has been up and down i have my good times where i have very rarely made myself sick with in a week, to have bad times where i could make myself sick 3 times in a day 7 days a week. when i am anrgy with myself or someone has upset me or made me nervuos about something my way of making myself happy is to binge eat and make myself sick untill i can not possible throw any more up out of my stomach.

At the moment i have been quite happy so my bulimia has settled down abit but i am still making myself sick atleast every other day, the days i dont make myself sick i dont really seem to eat. on the days i do it because i eat but can not stop myself from eating more and more and i have to finish what im eating whether its a packet of sweets which can lead on to eating some crisps or someone has cooked me some chips and i wont be hungry but i will eat them but i can not leave anything on my plate i am not happy untill everything has gone, but then i can feel that the food can not all fit in my stomach anymore and it is staying outside of my stomach is it in the abdomen? or sumet but i can feel it so i know i need to make myself sick as i have ate far to much and if i let it go through my body i always think how much weight will i be putting on with all that food? Even when i dont eat enough for my stomach to feel quite full i still think i've ate too much so i still make myself sick..

Someone talk to me i dont feel like i am getting anywhere can i do this without going to see my doctor as i really can not face them!! My boyfriend and his mum are always there for me but only seem to say i'll be hear every step of the way and your best bet is to see a doctor! But they dont understand i cant do this i've tried to stopped myself but i felt like i was putting to much weight on and freaked out and carried on making myself sick..

I just want someone with the same experience to talk to me please, Or some help. just something pleasei dfont know what to do anymore.

[Angelus]

Hi Dannilorraine, I read your story with such sadness and I can relate to it very much so. I am 31 and have suffered with anorexia since the age of 12 but when I was around 18 I flipped into bulemia for a number of years and ended up needing professional help. I can only tell you the useful tools I was taught but I will be here to listen and help as much as you would like me to be. There is a difference between talking to people who want to help and those who really understand from experience but it all helps. You sound desperate to change and this is one of the key issues, if we really want something we can do it. You can do this and you will.

Do you write your feelings down? try and find a pattern that leads you into using eating as a coping strategy. When I was bingeing it was because I was very unhappy and I had a number of emotions taking over me and my way was to purge to release these horrible feelings. I was told by my therapist to have set meal times, small portions of my meals but to eat regularly (breakfast, snack between lunch, lunch, afternoon snack, eve meal and possibly snack before bed if you can tolerate). When I had the urge to continue eating and after eating each meal distract myself by whatever works for you. Maybe going on the computer because that really takes time and concentration. The urge to binge will cease once you manage to break the cycle but it is very important you keep to meals and snacks. You will not get fat because once your body has adjusted to the regularity you will have a healthy metabolism.

I will urge you to see a Doc, I understand how hard it it because I did it but the doc was actually really kind and lovely to me. I was then referred to the eating disorder team who indeed were really helpful and fab. I am here if you would like to express yourself, talk about anything or distract yourself. Please take care and I hope to hear from you. Love to you hun xx

[Dannilorraine]

Hi there Angelus, thank you soo much for your reply it means so much to me. I am desperate to change this but i just dont think i can break this chain. I have wrotw down my feeling i eat and purge when i feel sad, angry, emotional so i will feel better about myself but i can not bare to leave food on my plate so if i do a bit to much food i have to eat it all which then make me feel bad about how much i have ate and then i purge.

I will try have small meals and little snack between and see how i go thanks very much for the tip. And i really cannot face the doctors so im gonna give it a go see if i can do this with help from my other half and tips off hear and if that fails i will go and see a doctor.

Thank you soo much. Hope to hear from you soon. Much love xx