Does Anybody Else Feel Like This?

[Creativit]

I've had bulimia for 40 plus years now brought on by childhood abuse and it has spiralled into Depression, Anxiety CPTSD and Agoraphobia (for the past 8 years). I'm waiting to see somebody at the Maudsley here in London but i'm just being ignored. My referral happened over a year ago when I took an overdose. I occasionally go out of the house but only if I have to. Confidence and a fear of people is my main problem since I'm often too trusting and people, particularly males target with lies, deceipt and sexual abuse. Some days I starve myself and others I eat a lot of bad foods and throw up. I think the days I feel just a little better are the ones I starve myself. I guess my empty stomach is a good example of the emptiness I feel inside. I need to be finding creative things to do close to where I live in South London as I do become disorientated when I am out and fear getting lost. My illness makes me feel disgusting and I have lost boyfriends when they found out what I was doing. The friends I had did not know of my plight but the negativity has made them flay too. I mostly live in silence and have kinda gotten used to being alone now but hate it. It's a catch 22 situation where I want to meet people but am unable to trust. I have talked openly about my depression in the past and this has been used against me so it's difficult to know how to protect myself - there are so many vultures out there. Does anybody else feel like this and does anything work for you?

[crazycrossstitcher]

What a hard and dark place to be in. I do hope your appointment comes through soon. Anorexia and Bulimia Care and BEAT both have confidential support lines - so that might be worth a try. I too am alone quite a bit of the time so know how this feels. I have started making cards as a hobby and that has really helped me feel better about things. I also do cross stitch. Both have helped with my depression and increased my positivity.

[Creativit in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

I too make cards and have brought the outdoors indoors, ie lots of plants and butterflies - my house resembles a jungle mostly, and my living room is, Africa themed, where I enjoy music and dance. Nature is being destroyed by the Nasties and it saddens me to the core. Love needs to be reinforced everywhere. As an abused child, I know how important love is, and there just isn't enough of it around and it makes my cry so much.

Thank you for listening to me - people rarely do.

Peace

[lillyofthevalley37]

It seems like your ED demon likes you to isolate yourself as all ED demons do

The world isn't the scary place that your ED demon has led you to belive, it has enslaved you for 40 years ?

The first thing you need to do is to separate what is you and what is the ED demon this will no doubt be very difficult as it has ensnared itself but think about it and try

[Creativit in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

Thank you Lilleyofthevalley

The smell of the Lilley of the Valley. I love plants so much and animals too. I think humans are so cruel much of the time. I have a huge problem with abandonment, I was adopted and the family who adopted me allowed their son to do all sorts to me without me being able to say anything. I was reprimanded for everything that he did (I lived I terror). He would do the most terrible things to me and just terrible things and I would have to say I had done the things that he did to try and avoid beatings - but the beatings always ensued regardless as he laughed at me being beaten. The more enjoyment he got out of the beatings he saw, the more he would do to me. My so called Father enjoyed "belting" me too, whilst his wife could do nothing - she had to play along with the effing game, after all I was not their child, I was the Stooge. Needless to say I effing hate liars because I had to say I had done things that I hadn't in childhood to try and not get beaten, and the liar is seen as somebody who tells the truth. This sh@t I have battled with all my life. Is it any wonder children & humans don't report abuse - it's because we will never be believed. I was told in childhood that nobody would believe anything I said and that if I said anything anyway, I would end up in a children's home and that I should be grateful. I don't care what anybody says - these things stick. Because I have no sense of who I am, I was able to take risks and travel alone, because nothing could be worse than childhood: I felt love and acceptance elsewhere - no mental, physical or sexual abuse - just naturally enjoying community. I have no identity at all - no family - so I guess travelling has given me some form of social identity. Nature VS nurture? Well I certainly didn't have nurture for sure - nature perhaps? No identity - No hope - or Identify with everybody / Nobody ? No idea. We live in Fear as the Nasties Leer - it's just not fair.

All we need is Love.

Peace

[lillyofthevalley37 in reply to Creativit]

Sorry for your childhood trauma and I agree with you about what you say but it would be good for you to get some enjoyment out of life but your ED is stopping you and it seems to me you don't want to give it up you have had it for so long ?

Just guessing

[Creativit in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

I do want to give it up. I don't enjoy living like this. The NHS has let me down by keeping me waiting for a psychologist and i'm not allowed talking therapies on the NHS because i'm waiting for therapy - friends and partner gone because they;re fed up with listening so i'm basically stuck. I'd go private but, not working, I can't afford this option. As I am trying to get help wherever I can I don't see how this can be perceived as enjoying being like this. I've phoned and emailed our local MIND to ask about group sessions and 1:1 for mental health problems - not heard anything back. I've looked at so many websites but am unable to travel far. I had a breakdown not long ago and a local man came to my rescue (wolf in sheep's clothing) and he sexually abused me in my house - I could do nothing - I froze (no point in reporting to the police because some men have manipulation down to a T). There's a huge stigma with mental health problems - worked hard since age 16 and then lost my job because of mental health. Now i'd like a little help - and i'm basically being told to sod off. You need to walk a mile in somebody elses shoes to understand them. I know you're only trying to help but pain, numbness, fear and isolation all go hand-in-hand. Wolves smell fear and vulnerability and therefore go in for the kill. I live in London but perhaps it's easier in other parts of the country. I do creative things at home. Do you have any suggestions please?