Feeling like a constant failure!:(

[Horsemad1]

Ive been trying to gain weight since late September/early October and Instead of gaining like I wanted to I'm loosing it! Every time I get oh the scales to be weight my weight is just dropping and dropping. I really don't know how I feel about it, my family are getting more concerned and upset but I have something in my head saying that ifi don't keep up loosing it then I'll be a let down.

So confused! Really don't Know how to explain it any other way

I want to gain weight I do, i want to get better. I'm trying I'm eating 3 meals and 2 snack but I'm only managing 1000cals or less (most days it's less!) I feel like I'm letting my family,GP and CPN down by not gaining weight and it's starting to get me down

[crazycrossstitcher]

Anorexia is a really powerful force - I share the struggle with you - but can tell you that you can get better - but it truly is a battle. My counsellor has been totally up-front with me - and I'm now the same with her - its been hard as she says some really tough things - but I'm slowly gaining the weight I need to - but I've had to trust her rather than my head for my diet - 1000cals is a weight losing amount - I suggest you are honest with those supporting you - tell them of your struggle - but you are going to have to let the professionals set a reasonable weight-gaining diet for you - I've really found it tough to let someone else take control - I too have 3 meals and 2 snacks - but these have had to be significantly increased in size/calories to gain weight - and I've been amazed how much I've had to eat and how small the weight increase has been - I could only see control or no-control - underweight as I am - or elephant size over night - I promise you it doesn't happen - its a slow and hard process - but does involve eating more at the end of the day - and it truly is worth it - your hold outlook on life gradually changes as the weight goes up. Sorry to go on - but you're worth it - talk to your family, talk to your CPN - be honest - about feelings and food - and then (the hard bit) - put into practice (or as I see it - on plate and into mouth) what they tell you is the right thing to do. They aren't out to get you! Good luck.

[Tomagcro]

I agree with crazy cross stitcher. Stick to a food plan that you know will gain weight and empower those around you to challenge you on weights of food and portion sizes. Confide in your family. They will want to help. Www.tomagcro.com

Tom

[Hidden]

As I read your post, I was left wondering as to whether you REALLY want to get better. 1000cals is just not enough and I expect you know it.

If you do really want to get better than you need to trust the advice you have been given. You will not lose control on your life. In fact at the moment the eating disorder is controlling you and not the other way around.

Please take an honest look at your motives. You need to choose as to whether the eating disorder blights the rest of your life or whether you will take the small steps on the recovery road. It is not called recovery for nothing.

[Horsemad1]

Thanmyou all. I'm aware that I will have to increase my calories, I am wanting to do it slowly,I want to look better and be better So I know I want to do this. I don't like the though if someone else having the control which is my biggest fear and worry

On another note I feel like I've done something disgraceful and discusting,I feel physically sick I have just eaten tons of chocolate 600 calories worth!! And I could just now sit and cry, I just want to be sick, I feel so fat don't know now what to do.

[Hidden in reply to Horsemad1]

Firstly, it is possible to gradually increase the number of calories you eat. However it is important to make sure that you challenge yourself every week/fortnight to add something else in. It is also important to make sure you have a balanced diet with a variety of foods.

I know where you are coming from with the chocolate thing. If you make sure you eat 3 meals a day with 3 snacks then the incentive to binge will be easier to control. Your body is starving so no wonder it wanted the chocolate!

[JustPeachy95 in reply to Hidden]

I agree with anniephys! Take everything one step at a time; one meal at a time. Tell others how you are feeling. Be completely honest with them and with yourself. Adding calories doesn't have to be painful - for example, try whole milk instead of skim, or add almond butter to your bread, olive oil or vinagrette dressings to your salads. I found weight gain to be realllyyy hard in the beginning as well - I totally understand the feeling of wanting to gain weight but not being able to actually carry out the actions necessary to make it happen. It'll get better in time.

The chocolate bingeing thing - been there, done that. Don't beat yourself up for it...it's happening because at this point in your recovery, your feelings and behaviors surrounding food are still a bit messed up (no offense intended AT ALL I promise<3) and you are working to fix them. I began struggling with bingeing as well - sometimes downing 1000s of calories at a time. Some tips: recognize when you are craving food, and allow yourself to have a little bit, but not too much. Enjoy sweets and chocolate and other such trigger foods with friends and family - that way, you'll learn to handle them the way they are meant to be handled - as occasional sweet treats that we should not feel guilty for letting ourselves have once in a while. Learn how to stop in the middle of a binge - I am still working on this - for example, drink some water, wash your hands, chew some gum, brush your teeth...and then do something calming like listening to music or doing yoga. Again, take it one step at a time, and know that you are getting better each day. Good luck with this, dear. <3

[Kitty_Buddy]

Hey Horsemad, I can really relate to this. I've been trying to put on weight for quite awhile now and it often feels like 2 steps forward 1 back. It's slow work but i'm sure it will be worth it for both of us. We need to challenge the voice in our heads and put our faith in those around us.

[Horsemad1]

Thankyou all again, I'm struggling! I can seem to eat like snack type foods ok ( mini packet of Jamie dodgers, 2 Jaffa cakes, a few munchies, in separate sittings) but its my main meals are the worst, I find my self moving the food more around the plate than I actually do eating it! Last night for example- I had 3 fish fingers and Small 10 potato's I only manage to eat 2 fish fingers and 5 potato's! The more my family push me to eat the food on my plate whilst they are there the harder it's getting as they seem to all stare at me:(.

I managed to faint again yesterday, it's happening more and more frequently now and I'm getting paler and paler as each day passes too

The other thing is managing the urge it just not sit and eat junk food- I feel like I use that as an excuse to eat it.

;(