What’s the point?

[Mgmouse]

41 year old mother of two dealing with a relapse of atypical anorexia, anxiety and depression, and self harm. Today is a so so day. Basically I’m numb. I am supposed to journal about why I feel I don’t deserve to eat to show my therapist next week but every time I open my journal the blank page just stares back at me. I can’t find my words!

My husband doesn’t get it so basically I am dealing with this in my own with only my therapist and nutritionist for support.

[crazycrossstitcher]

Perhaps its the blank page you need to show your therapist - no point hiding it - that's how you feel at present - its so hard and I feel your pain - many husbands/partners don't understand - so your not alone in that - but we're all here for you - we no how you feel and we understand your hurt and anxiety - so keep in touch - I find making sure I have just one thing in the day or one trip out that's for me and my enjoyment has helped - I make cards and sometimes its an effort to start doing anything - and many go in the bin as I don't like the result - but immersing myself in this sort of activity lifts all the other anxieties away just for a while - as does a chat on a friend on the phone or dropping an email - not really saying a lot just mundane everyday chat - hope this helps.

[Mgmouse in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

I never thought of showing her the blank page.... that might even start a conversation! I am so grateful for your response. It feels good to know that someone else actually gets it - so to speak. I’ve realized that I can’t do this alone and my support system is lacking - so - yes - you have helped :).

I used to be a dancer and recently started again. Nothing much so I don’t go overboard. Just a simple tap class for 45 min once a week, and a 3 hr jazz session once a month.

[wisegai]

Having total honesty and clarity with your therapist is what will help you at the moment - no one will judge you or implement consequence. Stay open and take it 15 minutes at a time on days when it all feels too much.

I paint/throw paint at canvases when I'm having a meltdown....that is sometimes helpful. Just immerse yourself, if you can.

x

[Mgmouse in reply to wisegai]

Thanks for responding. I never know if anyone actually cares/reads/has thoughts about online posts. I just started to get back into dance - nothing major- just a 45 minute tap class. Went last night and it felt amazing!!! It was great to dance and move, to be with other adults and to have some time doing something for me.

[wisegai in reply to Mgmouse]

Exactly - finding time for yourself but also making sure that your addict head doesn't start using exercise as a means of not engaging with your emotions! It can also become an addiction and one that I still struggle with in recovery

[Jots1234]

Hi Mgmouse,

I can really relate at the moment, 44 with two teens who are more stable and adept at life than myself, a husband who really doesn't 'get it' and most of the time seems unsupportive, uncaring and puts more pressure on!

I agree taking the blank journal says an awful lot and opens up the chance of conversation. At the moment I am finding it hard to write and someone suggested free writing to me, just get a blank piece of paper as it's less formal than a journal and sit with it and do anything, doodle, odd words, thoughts, random feelings, maybe not even sentences, no order, no conformity. I did it for the first time last week and started with doodles but by the end my thoughts and feelings were flowing (unfortunately all negative ones but it helped to see how I actually felt, the things I couldn't express in my journal)

I'm currently waiting for therapy to start, should have been today but it was cancelled. I'm really apprehensive as I've always talked myself out of getting help before. I'm not sure what to expect and scared of the changes I will have to make in order to 'become healthy.'

Wishing you well and hope I can be of some help and support, feel free to pm etc. I'm full of ideas I don't follow myself lol!! xx

[Hidden]

Hello, so sorry to hear about your struggle. You say, 'I never know if anyone actually cares/reads/has thoughts about online posts'. The answer is definitely yes, although many people probably, for a variety of reasons, do not post a response. For some reason, the posts in this forum never show in my daily e-mail, so I was unaware of them ! I don't want to intrude into your privacy but why do you think your husband 'doesn't get it'? I know that eating disorders are difficult to understand if you have never suffered from one but, presumably, you can learn about them and gain more understanding. Is he prepared to learn? Take care,

[Mgmouse in reply to Hidden]

M not sure if it’s just too much to handle or if he truly doesn’t want to understand. E tries to be supportive, ie: you are looking great! I don’t think he realizes that I purdge almost all I eat or only eat veggies but in his defence I hide it really well. I think I want him in the dark to some extent so I don’t feel like I’m under a microscope. I know that would make things worse and I would stop eating completely.

I don’t think he IS prepared to learn - be it out of fear or something else

[Mgmouse in reply to Hidden]

Sorry it has taken so long to reply. My husband has never been able to wrap his brain around my eating disorder. He thinks that by wrapping his hands around my waist and showing me how much further they reach now is helpful. I’ve tried being 100% honest with him - told him when I was purging everything I ate but got no real response. I’ve stopped trying. Ignorance is bliss, I guess

[Hidden in reply to Mgmouse]

Hiya, it's hard for some to understand but, as you know, an eating disorder is as real as any other illness. Would going to some kind of joint therapy sessions help his understanding? I don't think in this case that ignorance is bliss, because it's absolutely essential that he fully understands how this is affecting you. Take care,