Resisting change

[Jots1234]

This weekend I've been visiting where I studied with my bestie from uni. It's been great and a real eye opener but it's also really helped my ED thoughts as my friend needs to eat at specific times. I appreciate how disordered my eating patterns have become so I'm making a conscious effort to follow a 'normal' eating day.

Having been diagnosed with anorexia in September, I've managed to stabilise and actually gain a few pounds since Christmas but it's hard. I battle the voice everyday. I'm still on the waiting list for one to one therapy which I think is also hindering recovery as in my head it's like if I can gain weight and eat normally I won't be seen as needing help and therefore won't get to sort the core problems, so I'm resisting the changes required and keep sabotaging my care plan.

Yesterday my friend encouraged me to go round the supermarket and just choose anything I really wanted. It was so incredibly difficult and I panicked constantly. I did it, even had carbs (half a naan bread) and some alcohol but this morning I'm already thinking restriction and the whole 'get rid' mode is in full swing. I'm already panicking about inevitably gaining weight this week and thinking how I can drop a few pounds by Thursday, which I know rationally is ridiculous but at the moment it feels the only option.

I can't imagine being able to eat as most people do, for pleasure or hunger, how do others here override the ED voice to get to a place of recovery?

I am currently seeing a weekly support worker at the ED service and I'm due to see a dietician this Thursday when I will be weighed (already I'm feeling resistant to suggested changes!) I have just started with befriending through ABC the last couple of weeks too, so although resistant I do understand I need to change and I am taking steps.

Anyway, thanks for reading, looking forward to any advice anyone may have.

[crazycrossstitcher]

glad you've got an ABC befriender I found it really helpful - but challenging in a good way at same time. Good too you're going to get support - the voice in your head is going to take time to change - that's why the support is so important. I know its so hard to make changes - and knowing change is needed - and weight gain is important - doesn't get rid of the voice - its practice I'm afraid - and using the support you should get. Good luck - don't let the ED win.

[gymmonster]

What is great is that you are recognising your thoughts of sabotage before you go down that route which means you can choose to do differently even though that feels impossible at times. I can tell you from experience that one to one therapy actually works better when you are not malnourished because you can process information better and are more in touch with your emotions. In the past I've actually had therapy withdrawn because my weight has dropped too much never because I gained a few pounds. Its understandable the ED voices are louder when you've done something it doesn't like. It feels threatened and so it should. You're stronger than those voices. I hope you can use the support available and tell them that you're struggling. If its easier to talk to a stranger you can always talk to me xx

[Jots1234 in reply to gymmonster]

Thank you xx