New here, strugging with weight gain.

[mbrown]

Hello,

This is my first post as I'm new to this community and I am struggling to find support/guidance elsewhere.

I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder as I've never wanted to go to the doctors and admit it, I spent my university years making myself sick but I managed to stop doing that (mainly because I came home and it was harder to disguise) and for a few years my issues with food seemed to be fairly under control (although my self-image has never been great)

Over the past few years I joined the gym which at first was a great thing as I exercised and ate healthily and I toned up and lost some weight. That's when I got back into the habit of 'scales.' Slowly over time I increased my workouts, decreased my food intake, and increased the amount of times I'd weigh myself. Last year (the run up to my wedding) I lost about 20lbs over 9 months, taking me to 110lbs (I'm 5'7'') and at this point I'd spend most of my days crying on the bathroom floor over the number on the scales, going to bed straight after work because I was so tired and it stopped me from eating.

After I got married me and my husband wanted to start trying for a family but by this point I hadn't had my period in months. This was the only thing that triggered me into gaining the weight back, I am desperate to have a child and it was that reason alone that I started to make myself eat meals, I gave up exercise for a while and slowly introduced it by doing Pilates. I quit the gym as it was a bad place memory-wise for me and I just do at home workout dvds and sometimes go running now. I still dont' have my period back but I'm seeing fertility specialists which is also incredibly stressful as I've done this to myself.

The thing is, I think since I started gaining the weight back (October 2015) a small part of me just thought of it as a 'temporary measure' until I got pregnant, had the baby and then I could go back to being small. Now it's dawning on me that this is a lifestyle change and I can't go back to being that weight. I thought I had accepted this but I weighed myself last week for the first time and now I weigh even more since the extreme dieting began. I'm scared that my body is going to keep gaining weight and I can't control when it will stop. I'm scared to do diets again because it will become an obsession for me, but I'm terrified about what size I'm going to end up. I've punished my body for so long and I want to love what I see in the mirror, but I don't think I can do that if I get any larger.

I can't talk to my friends about this, they knew I was thin on my wedding day but I think most people just took it as 'wedding stress' and don't know the full details, I'm also ashamed of what they might think of the size I am now. Because I was never diagnosed and I wasn't in hospital, I feel as though I can't describe myself as having had an eating disorder so I just don't know where to turn.

I apologise for the lengthy post.

[Jellio]

I understand how frightening this is. I've had an ED for many years and I can relate to what you say. The fear of putting weight on and not knowing what weight you will end up. Is just another aspect of your ED. profesional help is so important. You could try your GP. They might offer you a short spell of CBT or counselling. My experience is something long term might be needed. If you can't get help through the NHS then the option is a private counsellor. My Ed started from childhood trauma, you might be aware of something in your own life, if so some charities provide help free of charge.

[crazycrossstitcher]

Ditto below - approach your GP -  my experience shows just how much and ED specialist is needed to un-pick the underlying issues - they can also help with diet and monitor weight - this helped me in that it gave me meal guidelines, I got rid of the scales and was only weighed at the clinic - which reduced the obsession - and somehow with them setting realistic weight targets and telling me about diet and exercise to achieve this - I actually began to get some control back - whilst also looking at the reasons for my focus on food and controlling my weight.  Don't feel ashamed - thousands of people our out their feeling just like you - you are admitting you have issues and that is the first step to recovery.