I dont know what to do

Ive had anorexia since last year and im fighting so hard but im felling really tired now, i started working out again and its out of my hands..... Again, i dont know how to stop, i burned more than 1000 calories in the work out and i still feel guilty about eating oreos, some nuts, my lunch and that protein bar, i didnt even get breakfast before working out for 3 hours, its stupid, i feel stupid and i need this fucking voice out of my head right now because i need to be fucking happy and im tired of this and of making my family cry and...... This is just shit i hope i can control myself again someday.

[kpfj]

I have suffered from an eating disorder for the last 6 years, I am 23 years old and female. I went from fear of food, abusing laxatives up to 50 a day, down to 110 pounds. Very low self esteem, embarrassed, ashamed and mentally un able to keep relationships with family and friends. Due to the heavy abuse of laxatives I now suffer from chronic constipation, unable to digest food and the list of things I can eat is down to a bare min because of severe bloating and abdominal pain. It is very depressing and not a way to live your life. Im not able to work a full time job due to fatigue and other sorts of pain related issues. Due to lack of self love I became an addict to alcohol and later cocaine. At this time I was still abusing laxatives as well as using substances to subside the hunger and the emotional stress. Binge eating has also been apart of the eating disorder and loss of control over my emotions and food has caused me to mentally break down and hit MY rock bottom. A year ago, a light bulb went off in my head and through my spiritual beliefs and the inner strength I never knew I had left, I decided to start the journey of my own rehab. Damn has it been tough, but I am still fighting every day for myself because if I don't, who will?

You are not alone sweetie and I know that voice in your head, I have it too just not as much now. I realized that over thinking can literally make you worry so much that it causes your body and mind to be ill. I find if I write down how i feel right when I wake up and throughout the day I can sleep better at night knowing that I have those thoughts on paper and out of my head. Everyday write something nice about yourself and set a small goal ...not to be skinny but to be HEALTHY. There is nothing more rewarding when you have a healthy glow on your face and in your attitude. I know its hard but through all the addictions I have been through it ALWAYS rooted from an eating disorder.

I wish I could go back and solve the one problem that lead to so many others. Now I am back at square one but this time its different. I AM EXCITED too be healthy and excited for my future because we are all worthy of happiness. Nourish your body and forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. Every morning wake up and say yesterday I might have hurt my body but today my MIND is in control and I AM in control. If you have a healthy mind your body will begin to thank you and your heart will feel warm again, I promise. xox