10 month overwhelmed in all new/busy/loud environments. Is this normal or common? Tips on helping him settle?

[Gardener11]

hi all, my lo is 10 months and ever since he’s been born has been very alert and observant. All medical staff have remarked on his alertness throughout his life so far.

At home he is chatty and playful and confident but whenever we go out anywhere he has one expression (serious face) or is having a meltdown.

At his 10 month assessment I was assured this is common and normal for some babies to be overwhelmed by their environments but in reality I have not come across any other babies like him. I try my best to socialise him but as soon as another baby makes noise near him he loses it uncontrollably and then can never really settle again once it has happened until we leave.

is this anyone else’s experience? I am sick of people giving me looks of pity or telling me I should expose him more when they don’t even know anything about us.

He will be starting nursery at 13 months and I honestly have no idea how he will cope. I feel like I’ll be coming home to a nervous wreck each night. I just want him to be content and feel secure. I always make sure I’m nearby if he’s not actually on me and I reassure him all the time.

Just looking for some advice if anyone has been through similar please.

thanks

[CJohns]

We have also experienced the same with my now 15 month old.

He was always very confident and chilled, but we found that in new places (and especially loud) that he’d get very overwhelmed, would then get upset and want me to hold him. It would only ease off after about 15 minutes.

We went to sensory classes between 3-10 months and it always took him a good 15-20 minutes to settle.

I found asking people to give him space when we went into new environments helped - although people still now get in his face to say hello and it upsets him. I just think that if it’s an experience that I wouldn’t enjoy as an adult, then why should anyone expect a child to enjoy it too.

He’s been going to a childminder since the beginning of September for 2 days a week and even now 50% of the time he cries when I leave. But I know full well he’s fine after 2 minutes.

I’m sure you’ll be absolutely fine with him at nursery and find that it’s more common than you think.

Perhaps give him a month or two to settle when he gets to nursery and assess it again then. You may like to try him around some older children too to see how he gets on with less unpredictable baby crying etc xx

[Gardener11 in reply to CJohns]

Thanks for your reply. It does sound similar, I think I’ve been expecting it to improve as he got older but have found the opposite but I guess it’s most likely to do with development.

Yes I agree with you about not expecting them to like things we wouldn’t. Like people screaming in your face.

I’m sure he will get there like you say. Asking people to give him space is a great idea thank you x

[Twiglet2]

not to be the person you are sick of but for my little boy exposing him more did help and not always being there with him is also key. We were always the ones at the soft play or the baby classes where he was hanging off my neck and crying or sitting himself not interacting or smiling where as if we did the same activities at home he loved them!! I persevered and the more I took him places and introduced him to other kids the better it has gotten he goes to nursery, started at 11months and is now 2.5 and he cries most days going in but is happy within minutes. He plays so well at nursery but still is strange when it’s me and him and a kid comes near us he doesn’t know, he also mimics any other children crying and gets really worried about it but he’s now at an age I can explain they are okay and why they are crying and that helps. I have honestly been convinced he has autism since about 8months but at every single assessment the day he isn’t showing the signs and I have very close family members including my other half and mum who work with people with autism as part of their job and they say he isn’t as well.

Granny and grandads take him places and he does a lot more socialising and exploring new places with them than he would if he were with me and I honestly think it’s like nursery when I’m not there he seems more confident. He sometimes cries when I drop him to my mum and dad but again minutes later he’s fine. My sister also takes him to the park without me and again he’s mr confident with her and her boyfriend.

We got a wee caravan about a year ago on a park with the facilities for kids such as the entertainment and he wouldn’t join in and then an older girl about 9 or 10 starting talking with him and he was up dancing and playing with her, still had a tantrum when any others kids came near but it was progress. I spoke to the health visitor who said for shy kids that can be there first step away from their adults is to find an older kind kid as they are more fun than adults but still a much ‘safer’ space than an unpredictable toddler their own age.

We just went on holiday abroad and for the first few days he was his usual unsociable shy self wouldn’t join in the mini disco even though it was all his fav songs, scowled at anyone of any age who said hello to him etc but on day 3 beside the pool he saw another little boy with some toys and he was asking me to get the toys and I said to him to go show him his train he had and share as those were the other boys toys and to my surprise he did and then another little boy came over too, all about the same age. For the rest of the week the 3 of them played together and shared and all ran about daft and went to the kids club together and was so settled that the person running the kids club told me I could leave and go sunbathe outside!! I still can’t believe it and he has came home a new confident boy… just waiting to see if it extends to not being terrified of Santa when we go see him this weekend but that might be pushing it 😂

Im sorry that a big ramble but I guess what I’m saying is it’s taken 2.5 years of me feeling like the odd one out and wishing he would interact with the world outside more and having to think about every situation and how far to take it but persevering and pushing him a little outside his comfort zone with socialisation where possible (we go to as many bday parties as we can for example as he loves seeing the candles on the cake and getting the cake so puts up with the socialising bit and now enjoys it). I also have to do most new things with him where as other kids just do it themselves (the amount of bouncy castles and slides I’ve been on is more now as an adult than when I was a child 🤣) and slowly slowly it has been working and i could have cried with happiness on holiday at how well he has done I can honestly say nursery has been so helpful for that as hard as it is to leave them there it’s the best thing for them so try not to worry too much and there are defo lots of kids like ours! The world needs the quieter, shyer types too but is defo harder as a parent sometimes 🥰 Xx

[Gardener11]

thank you! That’s such a relief to know your son is finding his feet a bit more. It can be hard to know how far to push it when the aftermath can be such hard work to deal with. I also have wondered if my lo has autism but again I’ve been assured not at his progress assessments.

I am deliberately trying to do lots of new things with him. Sometimes I think I find it so hard because a lot of other people come and interfere trying to ask if I’ve tried x,y or z and maybe I should do it like this. It just makes the situation more stressful honestly and makes me feel judged which I guess is on me and I just have to let it wash over me more. That can be hard when you are a tired mum who is out of ideas.

Thanks for sharing your experience, makes me feel like we will get there 😊 xx

[Twiglet2 in reply to Gardener11]

Being happy at home is the main thing and it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job! He has plenty of time to learn to be comfortable outside it he’s still only little. I get annoyed at people too ‘helping’ but I just try to remember they mean well rather than judging me and it doesn’t means I’m failing, having him at nursery helped me overcome that too as there are a whole other bunch of people ‘parenting’ him a couple of days a week with new ways and ideas so I let go a little (but it’s still really hard). You will always know him best though so smiling and nodding and like you said letting it wash over you if not helpful is defo the way to go🤪 🤗 xx

[FiveTeens]

My first babies were twins, and I remember taking both of them to a workshop on solids at 4 months old. One twin sat on my one leg cooing and smiling and trying to make eye contact with everyone around, and the other, on my other knee, became increasingly agitated and upset with his eyes darting from face to face, visibly recoiling at every noise, his whole body starting to shake. Eventually the only thing to soothe him was to create a dark space by covering his carseat with a wrap and moving him away from everyone to settle.

As he grew older he seemed to thrive most in open spaces, on the beach, out in open fields, around animals, and in pre-school/school environments that were less structured, less crowded and (literally) not so in-your-face. A very "good" preschool with lots of activities and furniture packed into indoor rooms and a high ratio of teachers who crouched down at your child's side to discuss what they were doing was less effective for him than a looser, outdoors free play environment where he could choose and monitor the levels of stimulation and interaction he wanted. He was confident and chatty and didn't seem to have any social awkwardness, but in busy, close, or unfamiliar peopled environments he seemed to be prone to tipping rapidly into overwhelm.

When a diagnosis did come -- at around 6 years old -- it was actually dyspraxia, not autism. The overwhelm through those preschooler years was because so much of his cognitive bandwidth was required to achieve mastery of physical development milestones (which he did at the same pace as his twin, so there wasn't an obvious discrepancy there) that he frequently didn't have a lot of headspace left for dealing with new and unfamiliar sources of stimulation.

As he got older and more physical skills became more automated for him, this eased up, so the key for us was really just to not pathologise his need to downtune the sensory volume periodically, and to ensure he had access to spaces he could withdraw to self-soothe as needed. In general he did fine when he had a sense of control over his level of engagement, so we did our best to find schools and activities that had this baked-in, to some extent, and to ensure that our home spaces and routines enabled him to decompress when needed, since life is hectic and sometimes that's just the way it is.

He is now 19 and a well-adjusted young man with a wide social network, lots of activities and a busy life of studying at an inner city university as well as a bunch of entrepreneurial ventures. He started taking anxiety medication in his mid-teens, which he found helped, and he also has a repertoire of intentional practices that support his well-being, from getting out into nature, diving, spending time with animals, daily meditation, and regular gym sessions. He knows he needs to be vigilant about managing the balance of stimulation and calm in his life, and is getting better at recognising when a meltdown is imminent.

[Gardener11 in reply to FiveTeens]

Thank you this is really helpful to know your experience with your son. I’m glad to hear how he has developed and what has helped him. Thank you for taking the time to share this, it really is appreciated.

My son even at only 10 months is visibly calmer and happier in outdoor environments and so I often take him outside or to at least look out a window when he is getting overwhelmed.