I feel alone and like my son is different to others, and I don’t know how to deal with it as everyone else’s child is outgoing and doesn’t act like he does.
My three and a half year old is extremely stubborn and does not like trying new things, and is very shy around new people.
I have spoken to a health visitor about him and she said it’s normal toddler behaviour, but it’s really getting me down.
He’s a lovely boy, speaks as many words as me and is lots of fun 1-1 or in small groups where he knows the people. He’s in a large pre-school class at nursery and gets on well there so he is used to being in big groups, but from what they say when he’s there he prefers to hang out with the same teacher & children.
Myself and my husband are quite introverted in ways, so I think he’s just showing our character traits in ways, but at times it’s really hard as a parent and I’m struggling.
A couple of examples - we stopped going to swimming lessons a year or so ago as it was expensive and we kept missing them. I kept up taking him to the pool on my own but he won’t wear any arm bands or anything so it’s impossible to try and teach him to swim. I found a local pool which did a toddler class with parents in the pool so we went today and he cried the whole class. I managed to get him in armbands as all the other children had them on but he just wouldn’t do anything and kept saying he wanted to go home. I told him a number of times I am always holding him and to join in, but he wouldn’t. Once we were back in the car he was nice as pie again.
I took him to a couple of birthday parties this weekend, which isn’t something we normally do and at the first he hardly knew anyone and the second a few more people, but at both, particularly the first he wouldn’t join in and wanted me to hold him the whole time. Which I don’t mind as I’m happy to cuddle him and help him feel secure, but everywhere I go or everyone else I know
There are no other children acting like that.
Does anyone else have a child like this? And how do you deal with it? I found it really hard at the swimming class today to know what to do, half of me is thinking we shouldn’t go again, but I don’t want to not to everything he doesn’t want to do as I really want to teach him things like swimming and o know later down the line I’ll feel like a bad parent for not doing so.
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Lydialego123
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My little girl isn't introverted, but she's extremely stubborn. We could never get armbands on her. I ended up get her a Konfidence buoyancy vest which she'll wear. We call it her floaty and she's not allowed anywhere near the water until she's in it. She quite likes having rules in place about things, so this has become a firm rule.
I've started taking her to swimming lessons at our local leisure centre in the shallow pool where is just a small group of children and the instructor. I don't go in with her and she seems to have taken to that better than with me being with her. She is quite an adventurous sort though, so she's quite happy to leave me to go to the pool with the others I just sit in the spectator area. They don't have any buoyancy aids except floats and pool noodles in the lessons, but they're never out of their depth.
Thank you, it’s nice to know I’m not alone with the stubbornness! I will give this a try, I think I’ve been to easy to let him have his way in the past and he knows I tend to give in, so just have to keep up sticking to rules and find something he likes if I can! X
Is he quite sensitive ? He sounds a little similar to my little boy who is definitely a highly sensitive child (if you Google that it might or might not ring a few bells!)
My little boy is very sociable but he’s really in tune with everything around him and quite easily scared by things and similar to your little boy can be rigid with doing things one way - needs preparation for change. He’s extremely empathetic for his age aswell and feels the emotions of other people quite strongly I think. My little boy is probably is abit different to other more easy going children but aren’t we all and like you say I’ve realised he is just like me with the sensitivity thing - I see lots of strengths too in being sensitive (even though it feels like a lot harder work for me at times !!)
Anyway these are things that help us which might be worth a try??
-preparation for things that are different, I sometimes draw out a story and talk about what we will be doing / if there are any expectations as he’s calmer if he knows what’s happening and who might be there
-acknowledge feelings - you felt upset as you didn’t want the armbands ? I felt worried as I wanted you to be safe. Sometimes my little boy will tell me abit more about what happened for him here if I wait - sometimes he doesn’t though.
-describe the problem (again do all this in advance so he’s prepared) eg in the pool the problem is we need you to have a float so you can be safe on the water
-think of solutions together if there are possible options can he choose eg floatation vest / regular armbands / foam armbands / pool noodle. Can he think of any ideas? Sometimes my little boy likes me to be silly so we think of silly suggestions etc eg wear arm bands on your arms AND legs / mummy wears armbands too. Cross out any he doesn’t like or the completely daft ones and then can he pick the one he’d have a try with?
Thank you for replying, yes he can be. I’ve looked up about highly sensitive and I reckon he does has a bit of that at least. Those are really good ideas I will give them a try! I do try to remember that it’s a good trait to have but like you say can make life harder for me - the joys of parenting x
Some similarities with my boy. He has been described as 'strong willed'. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. We also stopped his swimming lessons because he didn't want to join in and got extremely upset if we tried. I accepted he's just not into it. Each child is different. I know for sure he'll never be forced into something due to peer pressure. It's a good trait.
Thanks for replying, it’s nice to know I’m not alone! Agreed I try to remind myself it’s a good trait to have and that it will do him well in later life x
I think you're trying too hard. He's only 3.5 so he's got plenty of time to learn how to swim etc. My daughter is the same age and we had the same situation with swimming. She gets shy around people she doesn't know and that's good. Let him be a child and love him for who he is. Putting so much pressure is never good on you on him. Every child got their own timeline to learn stuff and every child is different. This is why as parents we have to love and protect this uniqueness 🤍
You might be right…my husband says similar too and that I tend to worry instead of recognising the good, e.g. that he did actually put the armbands on yesterday. I will try and relax about it more and support him in being happy in what he does, thank you x
It sounds like they are exactly the same - he often does warm up just before we leave somewhere! It’s really nice to know I’m not alone, you are right I don’t really like those situations myself so probably feeding off me too, will carry on as I am all the best x
yup ours is like that! I just kept going to the swimming lessons and by about the 4th or 5th one he was loving parts of it. We didn’t make him wear the arm bands he choose a vest thing instead., maybe ask the instructor about alternatives? Our instructor doesn’t really rate them as a tool anyways when learning to swim. Arm bands are awful for some kids (painful to get on restrictive etc,) we don’t use them on holidays either!
Our wee guy runs away if new people say hello and hides behind me, we went to a bday party and he sat and ate some sandwhiches and wouldn’t go in the bouncy castle etc until I do the things and show how it’s okay over and over again. My partner and I disagree on this method but I’ve now just been (ina playful way) just flying him over to things he’s scared of (like bouncy castles with other kids on fairground rides etc) and throwing him on and laughing and gojng with it. He has ended up loving them and wanting to go again (most of the time sometimes he gives me evils like why did you do that so this might not be the best advice but it’s worked more than the long drawn out preparation conversations of how it is actually fun and okay, which is do still do but then suddenly we are a rocket flying to the bouncy castle or game of pass the parcel etc.) He’s still shy making friends and gets harassed if other kids come up to play with him but nursery has been helpful and they do t have concerns that he plays alone at times said some kids like some space during the day or just a couple do friends. I’ve been teaching to say ‘hi’ instead of crying when a nee kid approached him or even just gets in his space (as toddlers do like pushing past him on a slide etc he can’t cope with) and that seems to calm him down (although now he’s ran up to a random wee girl in the park shouting hi and she was scared so I’m gonna need to watch that one 🤣)
I thought maybe he was neurodiverse in some way but the health visitor (and family members I know who specialise in autism) has said his communication is brilliant and can’t see any signs of it except shyness. The health visitor also said that adults and older kids (the only ones he will talk to) are safe spaces for many children and a stepping stone to making more friends who are peers so it’s all healthy for shy kids at this stage. I’m obviously still like why can’t I just take you to a party and you go off and play without hanging on to my leg but I’m a bit calmer lately that he is ‘normal’ and they are all just unique and I’m just going to keep preserving to normalise social situations for him …even if I have to jump in every bouncy castle , talk to every new mum and child and go on every fairground ride myself first 🤣 which is NOT my preferred social stance either lol. Hope it helps to hear defo not alone and sounds normal. Ps my little sister was the same when little and now in her mid 20s she’s the most sociable and functioning adult of us all! Xx
Aw thank you for replying our children sound very similar! I’m going to carry on with the swimming lessons and encourage him for the term and see if we make any progress, if not will leave it for now and try again in the future I do the same in terms of trying things myself to show him so will keep that up too. I do try to remember that it won’t be long till he doesn’t hang out with me at all so I should relish him wanting to stick with me - but it’s hard when everyone else joins in! I shall try not to worry about that and enjoy the cuddles more x
My nephew is exactly the same. He is a lovely wee toot 1-1 with such a fantastic personality and character but it’s like if you take him out of his comfort zone he clams up. He asks to go home or when we’re going home and at nursery prefers to sit with the teacher or just a couple of children. The hv doesn’t seem concerned as he is well other wise and hit all the Mile stones. He is 4 and a half now. My sister has decided to keep him back and put him to school next year. And they have been adding extra little social events to the calendar in order to hopefully prepare him for school.
You are not alone some children just take a while to come out of there shell xxx
Thank you, it has really helped me feel better that He’s not the only child who is like this, I will keep supporting and encouraging him and hopefully he will get more confident in his own time! Xx
To reassure you this is absolutely normal toddler behaviour! I have a very confident and outgoing child yet most of what you described applied to him. Defo has his close friends and those are meaningfull friendships. At this age they develop a healthy and close bond with key workers and a small group of friends. If he did that then is on track!
Due to our LO’s stubbornness we had to stop football classes as he’d make up his own games and play alone. We tried various things until we saw what he likes and kept it consistent then tried again a year later with football. Swimming was always up and down. At 2 he jumped in water, at 3 he avoided water, at 4 he on holiday he tried to get his head underwater and dive but still not swim. As soon as we were back home he stopped again and took us 4-5 times until we got him again to be more confident. Toddlers pick up on things that we have no idea of and can make them hesitant and resistant. What helps as parent is to change our mindset and accept that not everything happens as we’d want it to be, as hard as that is. At such a young age we put a lot of expectations on them and all that happens is we get frustrated, we show this frustration and they can shut down even more. Accepting that every child is different and excellent in their own ways is key. As you described he has lots of positive characteristics. There is not one perfect child as there is not one perfect parent. Also our behavioural specialist advised positive reinforcement and that worked wonders for us ( we used star charts etc). Somebody said you need to say at least 7 positive things for one negative.
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