Advice and support needed please

[Simba12345]

Hello, I’m just looking for some advice for a bit of a horrible situation I’m in.

I don’t want to speak to any of my family or friends about this as it may cause alarm and give someone a bad reputation when they could well be innocent.

I’m a first time mummy to a beautiful baby girl who is almost 5 months old.

Since I got married to my husband we’ve lived with my in-laws. We bought our first home last year just before finding out we were expecting. There was a lot of work to do in the house and it’s taken quite a lot of time to get it complete so we are still currently living with the in-laws. We’re so close to moving in now.

Anyways, I thought I’d give a bit of a backstory so you realise how much this revelation could effect me and specifically my baby.

I was having a conversation with my sister in law the other day about a relative who doesn’t really get along with anyone on my husbands side. She then told me that this relative had once accused my father in law of being a peadophile. She was obviously disgusted that this relative could say such an awful thing about my father in law and it was obvious she thought it was just a spiteful comment with absolutely no truth behind it.

I then asked my husband about it and asked why this relative was saying this about his dad. He was just very vague and not very comforting and just said he didn’t know.

I said she must have said it for a reason? Why would someone call another person a peadophile for no reason that’s awful? And he said he knows it’s awful and his dad was very upset at the time but again he doesn’t know why the relative said this.

Anyways I’m a terrible over thinker at the best of times.. and since this conversation with my sister in law I’ve been terribly paranoid. Certain things now that I look back, are seeming a bit suspicious to me. For example, I remember I sent a picture of my baby in the bath into the in-law family group chat. My father in law told my husband off (didn’t directly approach me) but told him to delete the picture from the group chat as it was inappropriate. I found it very strange that he was thinking of the photo of my baby naked in the bath as inappropriate as it was just close family who I sent it to.

Another thing I’ve noticed since being told this information is (and it could be a coincidence and me being paranoid) but every time I am changing my baby’s nappy, my father in law seems to appear.

Obviously we live in the same house and it could just be a coincidence that he walks into the room when I’m changing her but I’m just very paranoid right now after the conversation with my sister in law.

There is absolutely no proof or evidence of what the relative said and it could well be a nasty rumour but how do I know this? And what shall I do to protect my daughter without making it look like I’m trying to keep her away from her grandad.

Sorry this is a bit long winded and thanks for taking the time out to read this.

[cmbxm]

I think the best thing you can do is run a search, if you google “Find out if a person has a record for child sexual offences” a gov website pops up and there’s links that can help you indentify if someone has previous for child sex offenses. The bath photo is borderline, the fact he wanted it removed says otherwise to me, ive got a family member just like him and finds it dead inappropriate if any of the kids in the family have their bath photos shared online and doesn’t think anyone needs to see it, but she’s a nurse, but you need to do what makes you feel comfortable, especially if you’re living under a roof with him xx

[Seb9]

What was your relationship with your father in law like before you had this information? If you had a good relationship with him and your husband is happy with your baby being around his father than I would accept the fact that someone tried to start a malicious rumour about him.

I expect if there is no truth in it, then the reason that the person who they don't get along with has said it, is to get the exact reaction that you've had. To make you suspicious and mistrust a person who has probably done nothing wrong. It's hard to disprove a rumour.

If your father in law was upset about it ( I would be devastated) . Maybe it's something they've tried to forget about and move on from, if your husband was vague about it?

[Hidden]

It’s a tough one, and I don’t envy your position in it. You don’t want to offend anyone, but your daughter is your priority and you want to ensure her safety; which is as it should be so I’m glad she’s got you there.

I would say you’re wise to be cautious but also try not to jump too swiftly to a conclusion. Take some time to sit back and observe. I assume your little one is with you the majority of the time and therefore the possibility of her being placed at risk in any way (if indeed there is a risk) is minimal, so you can afford to just take a deep breath and see what you notice; both literally as well as what your gut is telling you.

It’s hard when the other people haven’t given you a straight answer too; are they being cagey, naive, or is it just that there really is nothing untoward to be found? Answering that is very challenging as your mind has understandably gone in to overdrive. I’d say it’s worth trying to revisit the conversation with your husband to explain where your thoughts have gone to since hearing this information and the concerns it raises for your daughter. Blame your hormones if it makes it more palatable....but even if it annoys him, once you’ve said it you’ve at least planted the seed of an idea and he can’t unhear it. You’re both going to want the best for your baby.

Admittedly a slightly different situation, but from personal experience of being pursued by a male living in my home from the age of 12- 18yrs (I’d lived with the person from age 6), I would caution you against assuming just because there’s no ‘evidence’ there is no reason to trust the previous accusation made by this other person. I didn’t speak up for a long time , no one knew how that person made me feel for many, many years and, as a child, I found ways to convince myself I was imagining things, blowing things out of proportion etc. My point being that just because someone hasn’t been charged doesn’t mean they didn’t do something wrong, or that because other people believe it to have been a malicious accusation that there wasn’t some validity to it. A lone voice speaking up can be very lonely if they don’t have support, especially if they’re going up against someone with an unblemished reputation. Having said that, there are plenty of people who ‘cry wolf’, for a variety of reasons, which muddies the waters for genuine victims and can ruin the life of the person that’s been falsely accused.

The words paedophile and abuse etc are incredibly emotive and provoke many different reactions in people. They want to ignore it, disbelieve it outright because it’s too uncomfortable to think about (especially if they’re close to the person), make out the victim was somehow at fault (even when they’re a child)....and a host of other reactions. It’s why abuse can go on inside families for years and no one is seemingly the wiser. I can say this with some authority having worked in child protection for numerous years and seen the lengths some family members can go to to convince themselves nothing untoward has been going on, because to believe it would cause a massive ripple effect and call a lot of people’s decisions in to question!

For now, be observant, take precautions to ensure your child isn’t left vulnerable, maybe even consider moving where you change her nappy...if it’s usually the front room switch to the bedroom or bathroom (on the pretext of sparing others the smell) and see if your father in law still manages to make an appearance or anything else happens that sets off your gut feeling. But DO trust your gut.

I wish you all the best x

[ericagut]

I would do my best to move into your own home as soon as possible if I were you. And I would continue to be very observant before bringing the topic up with your in laws. But I would not leave your child with them unattended, until the matter is clarified first, just to be safe. Hopefully it is nothing, but you never know!

[Username122]

You've had some good advice above. Ultimately now that you've heard this you will never stop thinking about it regarding your child and your father in law as your child grows up. It's something you will need to find a way to manage in terms of the relationship with him while balancing your concern for your child.

My advice is just always be vigilant and trust no one. It sounds harsh and scary and you must be careful not to let your child grow up fearing family and friends as a result but you really can never know someone 100%. There are plenty of cases of abuse even by fathers or uncles etc that mothers go completely unaware of. I don't want to panic you but your only duty in the matter is protecting your child and you must be comfortable that you have done everything in your power to ensure her safety or you will have no mental peace. Even had this story not come to your attention and be it true or false the matter still remains that there are people out there in the world who would harm a child and we cannot know who they are. Be vigilant and I wish you and your family luck and peace x