Some progress, I think... ? 🤔 But having wobbles, struggling on lockdown now 🙄

[Positive2022]

Evening all,

Thank you to everyone who kindly responded to my last post. A ittle update...

Spoke with my GP surgery as I was feeling a little run down and struggling to sleep which was having such a negative impact on me. I thought it possibly was side effects of medication so I was changed onto something else. Totally unable to tolerate. Terrible side effects so I ended up stopping everything. My long term goal was to come off my medication and I obviously did not intend on stopping so abruptly; it sort of happened accidently. Also had bloods and chest x-ray.

I do feel better for stopping. Psychologically a huge step forwards and I seem to have less 'brain fog'.

But I have had a huge wobble tonight. I just hid away and cried. Lockdown is really getting to me now. I am lucky, I have a small support network but I find it so hard communicating to loved ones why i'm feeling the way I am.

I would love more children. I can't help it. Just feeling so emotionally fragile about how i've been left.

Surrounded by pregnancy announcements with family and friends. Obviously thrilled for them all but it just reminds me of my situation. And almost feels ike I did when I went through fertility treatment. I was really upset the other day when my neighbour decided it was appropriate to shout across the road congratulating me about my 'pregnancy' saying that she didn't known I was 'pregnant' again. I then had the humilliation of having to correct her. Honestly, I know people generally mean well but why do some people feel the need to comment on something so personal ?No idea where she got that from. Like rubbing salt into a wound.

Not even sure the point to this post really. Just looking for a little emotional support at this incredibly difficult time. Had to get things off my chest. Perhaps feeling run down is not helping.

Sending love and hugs ♥️

[Hidden]

Big hugs 💕 you will get there. Lockdown doesn’t help at all.

Can’t believe your neighbour said that but people just don’t think. I don’t blame you for being upset.

Always here if you want to chat xx

[Positive2022 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your support, I am very grateful ♥️

[Lesmec]

Sorry, didn't want to read and run. Some people can be so thoughtless at times, but just try to block them out and not take it on board ( I know it's super hard and if your like me you analyse every little detail) but try. Lockdown is hard at the moment mentally but maybe try doing some yoga. There are loads of videos online to start and can help.

Also, Fertility treatment is hard but can be done. I'm currently pregnant after my 3rd round so it can be done, but yes it's stressful to do and not assured of success.

[Positive2022 in reply to Lesmec]

Thank you for your support, much appreciated. Just feeling so low ♥️

[Seb9]

If you've stopped your medication abruptly please make sure to let your doctor know, it can not always be a good thing to do and sometimes it's best to go on something at a lower dose and keep lowering the dose.

Lockdown is so tough mentally even if you're not already struggling with other things so I really feel for you.

I've found that doing some mindful practise, helps me block stuff out even just for a few minutes, one I did the other day was doodling while listening to a song on my headphones. Sounds crazy but it really helped me, or some colouring in but using your weaker hand,so you really have to concentrate.

It just gives your brain a few minutes of not thinking about all the stuff!

I'm not very good at yoga or breathing exercises so I have to find other things to distract myself to have a break from worrying.

Does your friends and family support you and now how you're feeling? I know on here is a good support but sometimes having a good chat with a friend can really give you a boost, my best friends are on my side no matter what and a long talk with them and I always feel better after xx

[Positive2022 in reply to Seb9]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes my doctor knows. I phoned them for advice as i was struggling so much with side effects of new medication. Doctor said try for a week without them. I have actually been okay and mentally more positive that I have stopped them as it was a long term goal. I have literally just heard surgery unlikely to happen any time soon. Devastated. Heartbroken and very alone. No one knows my situation apart from my husband and my mum. No other local family. Feel like giving up. No hope to extend our family without surgery and throwing fertility treatment into the mix just adds to the complications.

[Seb9 in reply to Positive2022]

It's great that you're feeling a bit better without the medication, have you thought of getting some support from the a charity like the birth trauma association. They have some Facebook groups as well where you might be able to talk to other mothers in your situation and get some support from them or maybe some friends with children you can talk to about it and share stories?

I can't imagine how sad you feel knowing that until you get your surgery you can't try for another baby but maybe you could focus on yourself for a while and taking care of yourself until the world starts up again and you can be booked in for your surgery. Maybe focus on getting yourself in the best place for surgery and for fertility treatment. Focus on your diet and fitness etc so you're super ready for the world when it starts again.

Take care xx

birthtraumaassociation.org....

[Positive2022 in reply to Seb9]

Thank you, yes that's what i'm doing. Keeping busy, exercise and distraction techniques help but don't take away the sadness. I am just so low about how i've been left 😢 i was clinging onto a little bit of hope but that's just been taken away from me this afternoon. I am tired of putting on a brave face and pretending everything is okay when i'm not

[Seb9 in reply to Positive2022]

You really don't need to pretend to anyone, why not give your best friend a call and tell them everything that has been getting you down. If people don't know you're struggling they can't help xx

[Positive2022 in reply to Seb9]

Perhaps i'm naturally good at hiding things. In my own way I have tried to open up. I have talked about how stressful things have been in recent years and I have said on occasions that I am struggling and finding things hard to come to terms with but I tend to get the usual 'chin up' type response so I dust myself off, move on and end up having a cry alone. I don't know of anyone who has battled infertility and all the struggles a traumatic birth comes with and so I guess it's very difficult to fully understand when one has not gone through the same 'journey'. I guess i'm just really upset tonight about what my Consultant's secretary confirmed this afternoon. Not even sure why as it's what I was expecting. Just the reality kicking in and knowing that I still have a very long way to go. I will recharge my batteries tonight and hopefully wake up fresh tomorrow. Thank you for listening. This is my safe place for virtual hugs. ♥️

[Winter_Girl in reply to Positive2022]

Sorry you are feeling this way. It is hard to talk to people and for them to understand when they haven't been in your shoes. I found that with the infertility; even my best friend would make comments that hit a nerve or made me roll my eyes. They don't mean it, but it is tough to understand unless you have been through yourself. Birth trauma and depression are the same. I think you would benefit from speaking to people who have experienced birth trauma and can give you support you need (so maybe check out the website above). I follow an account on Instagram called Make Birth Better who also have a website - perhaps that might help.

Do keep coming back to talk on here if you need to xx

[Positive2022 in reply to Winter_Girl]

Thank you so much. It's my safe place here. Some things said however well intended do hit a nerve sometimes. Tbh i just feel like a number lost in the system somewhere. Through no fault of my own my bits have been left in an absolute mess. I actually feel really angry about it all now. I have always been so resillient but just feel devastated that I could be left in such a bad way. I even made a formal complaint at the advice of my consultant. Got me no where. I have joined the FB group for birth trauma for some extra support. Thank you so much for listening. Means the world , I was just so upset when I was told this afternoon not to expect any help soon. I get that they are having to prioritise more urgent care. But this feels like a life sentence to me xxx

[Winter_Girl in reply to Positive2022]

It is great that you have joined the FB group - I am sure you will get lots of support from those who understand exactly what you have been / are going through.

I know being told you can't have the surgery any time soon must have been a massive blow, and it is ok to feel angry about it. Have a cry, get angry, talk it through - whatever you need to do.

Was your complaint dismissed? Can it be taken further?

Xx

[Positive2022 in reply to Winter_Girl]

I've just had a big cry tonight and tucked into some chocolate 🙄 it's scary how badly it's affected me. I hit a real low point when I was diagnosed with fertility issues. I did find it hard to come to terms with. Then after going through such a traumatic delivery and being so physically unwell it's come to a big head and hit me really hard. I was admitted in February for my operation. Practically being wheeled off to theatre when they decided to cancel my op. My Consultant was furious. Advised I complain which I did. After I badgered his team for more info on when I would seen, another date was arranged for my surgery. I did get a call from the matron and I explained things but by that point i had already been given another date (arranged by me after lots of pushing). Then it was cancelled again the night before. Now no hope. Part of me feels like sending in another complaint but it couldn't be helped with the pandemic. It's just so upsetting as I can't progress with the conservative treatment. They openly admitted to me that I haemorrhaged due to being left in labour for too long. To this day I don't know why I was in labour for that many hours. No one has given me an answer. I was struggling massively with the medication I was on, terrible side effects so I called my GP for advice. Ended up getting switched onto something else which I just couldn't tolerate. It knocked me sideways. I called GP back but there was a delay in being able to speak to the doctor so I was left with no choice but to stop. Once I did get to speak to someone, they said it was fine stay off of them. Psychologically this is possibly the only thing I have control over and stopping has enabled me to feel like I have moved a step forwards but i'm frightened that i'm starting to regress. To embarrassed to call GP back 🙉

[Winter_Girl in reply to Positive2022]

When this is over and things start to go back to normal, chase them for a date. I understand that they have to prioritise, but this is obviously having a massive affect on you and needs dealing with in order for you to move forward with your life. Right now it is hard to deal with as you have no 'end date' in sight.

If you feel like you are regressing perhaps it would help to go back onto some medication, but a smaller dose? Obviously seek advice first! Don't ever feel embarrassed about asking for help, I am sure GP won't mind. You have said she has been supportive to you, so definitely keepnin contact with her if you need to.

Perhaps give yourself a bit of time to come to terms with not having a date for the surgery yet, and then maybe you can find the strength to follow up your complaint. It definitely sounds like you have good grounds especially if they are admitting negligence. It is hard to do anything right now with the pandemic, but I wouldn't let it go. I know it must be exhausting feeling like you are hitting your head against a brick wall but I think it will help you to get some closure. Xx

[Positive2022 in reply to Winter_Girl]

Thank you so much for listening ♥️