Am I being unreasonable? Annoyed with mil 🙄

Hi everyone.

I don’t know if it’s my hormones or sleep deprivation but feeling mighty peed off with my mother in law I’m sure they’re there to irritate us!!!

I had my beautiful girl 3 & half weeks ago after a long 7 year struggle to conceive. She’s very precious to us. Hubby has found it hard returning to work after his 2 week paternity leave & misses her like crazy.

At the moment we are enjoying the time we have together as a family, our family have visited but most of the time it’s the 3 of us. After such an awful struggle to get pregnant we want to enjoy every moment with our daughter.

Anyway mother in law who always pokes her nose where it is not wanted decided to tell my hubby he should make more of an effort with his nephew. He regularly saw him every 2 week before the birth of our daughter. Our nephew had severe behaviour issues & lashes out physically at other children. One example of this was he was in a queue and randomly bite another child & his parents were surprised when the mother kicked off ( I don’t blame her I’d do the same if it was my child!) Naturally we don’t want our daughter anywhere near him until his issues are resolved ( I have my doubts as his mother will not follow any advice from childcare experts she’s not a good mother & has had 2 children taken off her one at birth she is another story altogether...) We allowed him to meet our daughter ( I held her so he couldn’t get too close to her)

His mother is trying to make him feel guilty why should he not be able to enjoy his time with the child he never thought he would have. It’s made me steaming angry I can’t even speak of it, I have said it’s up to him right now he wants to spend as much time with his daughter I think that is fair enough. She just throws that our daughter has all my family around her & the nephew hasn’t got anyone. She is wrong there as my sister lives in Canada with her partner & 2 children & hasn’t met my daughter yet. It’s very hard being so far away from my sister & her children & vice Versa. My parents are involved with our daughter- 1- they understand our struggle & see our daughter as a miracle ( she is) 2- they have 2 grandchildren they don’t see often so it’s been nice for them to have involvement with our daughter( my son has grown up now) 3- they don’t tell us what to do or interfere they’re just supportive.

I feel like I’m being a bad person but I just want time for us to really gel as a family! And I don’t see what’s wrong with that?! It makes me want to cut some distance with MIL & be unavailable. It really has annoyed me.

I’m not saw what responses I’m expecting I just wanted to get it off my chest!!!

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

I can totally see your POV. I think you and hubbie might have to try not to take it too negatively though. It’s actually a compliment to how good he has been to his sister and nephew in the past. Your MIL obviously worries about her grandson (quite rightly by the sounds of it) and is probably scared of losing another grandchild if her daughter is a poor mother. Your hubbie is just going to have to let them know he has additional obligations now and he’s doing his best but he won’t be able to keep up the level of visits that he has done previously. It’s then up to his family to deal with this. I’d stay out of it if I were you x

[Drives in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Hi Jess was just going to reply but read Lizzielizzielizzie's reply and couldn't have put it any better myself.

I can totally understand why it's made you so angry though...it's still such early days for you guys. I really hope everything settles down soon. At the end of the day your little family is the most most important 😘 x x

[Hidden in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Thank you. It’s his brothers baby. Good advice I’ll keep out of it, families 💁🏻 Hubby has said he will see him once a month instead of every week like he was doing, hopefully everyone will then be happy.😊I was worried as they said he might “lash out at my newborn baby “ it was said so causally like it’s normal 😳 then wonder why we are not keen on him seeing our daughter! You have to laugh!!! Hope you are & your little one are well xoxo

[Kempton]

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable in wanting to enjoy these first precious moments as it will all be over so quickly. Maybe you or your hubby should explain that to your MIL. It's unfair to guilt trip you at this precious time.

In terms of the biting, well it's not uncommon for children to go through a biting stage, usually when something is bothering them or they want attention. From what you've said about your nephew's mum, it's probably something missing at home. I don't think you need to fear him biting your daughter, as I presume he'll be supervised when with her. But of course your reservations are understandable.

It's not your responsibility to make up for the failings of his mum, but you could maybe have him over and the four of you spend time together (you, hubby, your baby and your nephew). Sounds like he needs a bit of love. Could you have the odd day out? Or at home since you're still adjusting to family life?

Your MIL is wrong to make comparisons with your family but you could be the bigger person here helping to give your nephew whatever attention he's lacking. Whatever happens, don't feel any guilt for wanting to be a unit of 3 once in a while.

[Hidden in reply to Kempton]

Thank you.

I appreciate your point of view but it’s more than just biting. His parents said “ he might lash out at our baby” made out like he would hit her said like it’s normal 😳 I need to keep my baby safe. My hubby will visit every month to keep peace & because he’s always been there.tbh they were really unkind to me & wrote very offensive messages swearing saying I was dead to my nephew everything to me when they knew I was having such a hard time trying for a baby getting no where fast. I feel I’ve been a good person to allow them to meet our daughter I only did for my hubby so he wouldn’t get crap from his family. They’re still pushing - Tom said he’d come alone but then last minute pushed for Kelly & Leo to come over which mil got involved 😡 but hubby stood his ground & said no. Tom came in in a bad mood & was rude so I’m not having it. I just said I’m tired & want to establish a routine with our LG no visitors hubby is supportive of.

Anyway hope all is going well with your pregnancy xoxo

[ChrisWest1983]

Don't listen to your MIL... Just live your life the way you feel it's right. You don't want to regret anything at the end of the day, so go with your gut instinct!x

[Hidden in reply to ChrisWest1983]

Thank you hun. Amen to that these are precious times! Anyway hope your pregnancy is going well xoxo

[Mantaray75]

First of all I wanted to say a massive congratulations.

After all you’ve been through then I don’t blame you for just wanting to enjoy this time with your precious baby.

We are currently back in the UK and staying with my sister. Her 4 year old is quite jealous of Luna and I’m finding that I’m very protective. Do what feels right for you. X

[Hidden in reply to Mantaray75]

Thank you and congrats to you too. Blimey families 🙄 but it won’t spoil these precious moments ❤️Anyway I hope you & your LG are okay xoxo

[Sprinkles86]

Aw Jess that is totally understandable. He sounds like a troubled little boy and I would maybe question why MIL is directing this at your husband when she could be putting that energy into helping her grandson?

You have waited SO LONG for this, I remember the struggles you had with your endo etc on the IVF page.... you and hubby (quite rightly) want to and need to stay in your happy bubble with your babba right now. She won’t be a newborn for long and these early weeks are really important for attachment to mum and dad etc.

Keep on doing what you are doing. I accept that this little boy is probably missing his uncle. When you both feel ready maybe he could start coming over for an hour, see how he gets on, then build up from there? You never know, having a ‘big cousin’ job helping with the baby could really help him. But this has all got to be on your terms, tell MIL to stay out of it xxx

[Hidden in reply to Sprinkles86]

Thank you.

It’s how she’s going about it that’s angered me.

Also I don’t have a good relationship with my brother & sister in law, they were unbelievably unkind a few years ago, because I couldn’t handle watching her smoking pregnant when we wanted a baby so much, they wrote awful messages to me - swore at me, told me I was dead to my nephew ( which is why I refer to him as my hubbys nephew) I wasn’t allowed near him to his birthday party - hubby was told only he was allowed to the birthday party so hubby refused to go & took my side. I brought loads of gifts cards when he was born wrote to them trying to make peace but the more I did that the more they insulted me. They knew of our difficulties so it’s hsrd being near people that were so unkind at such a vulnerable time, mil never supported because I wasn’t worthy I couldn’t give her a grandchild. There’s a lot of bad feelings, despite all of that I allowed these people to meet my daughter so my hubby could keep peace with his family ( I’m not a nasty person they make me out to be never felt good enough for his family) but then they drop bombshell that their child might lash out at our LG I’m not having them push me to do it if he hurts her I’ll cut them out forever I couldn’t forgive that. They’re still pushing / Tom said he would come alone but then tried to push for kelly & Leo to come over our house mil got involved again & Tom came in in a vile mood & Rude so I have said to hubby no visitors I’m too tired & want a rountine with LG. I wish his family were kinder people but sadly they’re not,

Sorry to ramble & hope your little one is okay. xoxo

[Sprinkles86 in reply to Hidden]

Aw you ramble as much as you want!! Families can be so complicated it makes me so sad. I don’t speak to my own brother after he assaulted me and my sister about ten years ago. He has since stolen money from family members and had drug dealers come to our homes looking for him! Still my mum and sister act like nothing has happened and sister allows him near her children whereas I won’t have him within a mile of mine! He is now staying at mums after another failed engagement (we found out he was beating his ex so wouldn’t be surprised if it was something similar this time too). He is vile but I’m made to feel like the black sheep as I won’t be in the same room as him - for instance my mum chose not to come and see my son on his first birthday last week as she was with my brother and couldn’t understand why I did not want him at my house?!

Now who’s rambling 🤣 hopefully makes you feel you’re not alone though! I would stand your ground when it comes to your nephew, as hard as it is just try and remember that he’s not to blame for how his parents have treated you. Your husband sounds so lovely it’s hard to believe people are related sometimes isn’t it 😂 here any time if you need to offload 😘😘

[Hidden in reply to Sprinkles86]

Thank you it is indeed!! 😂 sorry for late reply.

Oh my god so sorry to hear what your brother did to you & your sister that’s awful. I can’t believe your mum & sister have forgotten & forgiven him. I don’t blame you for not wanting him near your son. How awful your mum didn’t see your little boy on his birthday if I was I’d be so hurt & fuming. At least little one wasn’t aware but that is sad not to see his grandparent on his special day 😔

I actually feel sorry for the nephew having a mother like that. He can’t eat with cutlery, still in nappies day & night & being pushed in a buggy at 3 years old 😳 it just seems negligent to me! Hubby is a nice guy maybe too nice!!! xoxo

[YunaMom]

Im sure everyone is different but my husband hadnt seen his nephew in over a year. Because his brothers wife is toxic to our relationship and we as a family decided to stay away from them.

Our mil wishes that we get along and suggests that we get together sometimes but in the end, the decision maker is us.

Ur mother in law can suggest anything annoying but its up to you to follow her words or not. If I were you, I would just let her words pass through me and do whatever I want for my family.