Help

[Ceden273]

So I am 17 and having a baby and i have made a decision that for a few hours after the babys born i don't want anyone at the hospital except me and my boyfriend (baby's dad) but nobody in my family understands why and its starting to really get to me so any opinions on if I'm doing the wrong thing and how i can help thek see my side ?

[roxannacar]

It's absolutely your choice. For my first my mother and husband were in with me throughout however with my second it was just my husband and to honest I felt more comfy second time round for. Serious reasons.

I'm.m not sure there's a way to help them see your side... I would just explain your reasons and explain it your decision.

I can also understand their point of view tho especially in view of the fact that you are still very young and probably still living at home etc etc and maybe they feel you need the extra support as chil birth can be stressful to say the least, and if it take a long time you both might just wanna sleep after but finally it's your decision.

Ps most places allow two birthing partners

[Ceden273 in reply to roxannacar]

I already discussedwith everyone that the only person i want in there is my boyfriend as my family are very dramatic and stress me out further one of the reasons of why i left home and I will be in hospital for 3-5 days because I'm young so everyone wilk have plenty of time to come and see baby x

[roxannacar in reply to Ceden273]

Well tbh if you're not even living home ... if they're difficult you can tell them baby is here only once you're happy for them to visit

[Hidden]

To be honest, and this is only my experience, it’s hours until you make it onto a ward anyway. I had my first at 5pm and then didn’t leave the labour suite for the ward until 2am. They used the time for me to recover, helped me feed baby, I had a shower and some food and they left us to bond too. For my 2nd it was a bit quicker but I was still in the suite for a good couple of hours before I was moved. It’s perfectly normal to want some private bonding time with baby as a new family and recover. Trust me you’ll be tired and you’ll need the rest! But to be honest, it doesn’t even matter if it’s normal or not. It’s about what you want and they should respect that. They’re probably just excited about being grandparents! X

[Hidden]

And of course they’ll only be allowed in the ward during visitors hours anyway so they won’t be able to just turn up and come in....sorry just thought of that! 😂

[Ceden273 in reply to Hidden]

Owh I didn't think of that and they wouldn't be allowed on the ward without my permission would they ? Xx

[Hidden in reply to Ceden273]

I don’t think so. Thet will need to buzz for Entry into the ward but they are midwives with work to do so they will probably need you to speak to them if they did show up uninvited. You might actually welcome the support by then. Don’t entirely rule it out just yet. My parents came for visiting hours for my first and to be honest it was lovely. They only stayed for a couple of hours and brought flowers and a massive box of doughnuts so I was more than happy. 😂 it’s an emotional rollercoaster after labour so having some extra care and attention and a “well done mum” can be quite nice! Xx

[Ceden273 in reply to Hidden]

Yea I want people to come and visit but i need a few hours or at least the first day to ourselves but we i say that to my family they become funny xx

[Hidden]

Yeah tbh the staff usually say only a few at a time and no other kids are allowed and in visiting hours only. Depends on how long your in it’s not long usually so I would worry too much.

[Ceden273]

I'm in for 3-5 days after i have the baby because I'm young xx

[Kate91]

Easy way around it, simply dont tell your family youve been moved to ward right away, they cant visit you in delivery suite anyway. and they can only visit during visiting times so if your on ward before a visiting time dont tell them youve been moved till after it, that way youll get a few more hours peace and quiet. But like others have said you may well welcome the company by that point anyway. I know i did after not getting any sleep the first night.

[Vanessab89]

Do what's best for you and your partner and baby. Them few hours after baby is born are so special it should only be the 3 of you. I think your parents are been abit selfish. In my own personal experience I would of rathered nobody came to see me until I came home. You are just so tired and all you want to do is spend quality time with your precious bundle of joy. Hope it all works out for you and best of luck with the birth, you'll do great 😁

[Ceden273 in reply to Vanessab89]

I know it makes me not want tell them when i go into labour because thsy keep saying well see what your like on the day but i struggle with anxiety and i like things to be set in place without them trying to push me out if that makss sense xx

[Vanessab89 in reply to Ceden273]

If that's what you feel you need to do well do what's best for you and your baby. The last thing you'll need is extra stress. My baby is a month old and I still like my privacy. Don't get me wrong it does be nice to see family but you just need that bit of time to yourself too. If you need a chat and you feel like you can't speak to family don't hesitate to get in contact with me. It's always nice to know there's an ear there to listen if you need it x

[Saminapatel]

I'm sure you can tell hospital you don't want any visitors at all and that they have to adhere to this

[PoppyC38]

Tell the Midwife your wishes. They will definitely respect it and prevent anyone coming in. I completely think you’re right to do what is best for you. Only thing I can think is pick one person, Mum etc, and to appease them say could you be on standby to come and help if I need more support. You can have no intention of ringing them but then they might feel included.

[Cpr2018]

I had my first baby five weeks ago and although I had three birthing partners (partner, mum AND dad!), I was determined from day dot that I didn’t want visitors in hospital as I wanted time to bond skin on skin and same for my partner - I also said I didn’t want overnight visitors for the first four weeks at home and I’d let everyone know individually when I was ready for visitors - people criticised me saying they wanted to meet the baby etc but being strict with it was the best thing I ever did. Those first couple of hours are so precious and you can’t grt them back! I must admit I was happy with visitors much sooner than I expected but certainly not for the first few days of healing and definately not in hospital!! You need to get used to a lifetime of unpopular opinions and decisions that are best for you and baby, it’s part of being a mum. Stand your ground. Worst case scenario speak to your midwives and hospital staff and even write it in your birth plan as a hard limit. However, at such a young age, perhaps consider a close relative being near by...maybe mum? It was incredibly special having my mum who brought me into this world watch me bring my baby boy into the world, and despite being 25 years old there were moments in labour I felt like a little girl again and all I wanted was mum....think about it if you’re lucky enough to have mum around or a maternal figure.

[Ceden273 in reply to Cpr2018]

The reason i dont want family there is because they are very invasive and i maybe young but i want to learn things with my boyfriend and do it as independently as possible because beig young theres added pressure to be a good mum and my family have a tenancy to make it about them selves and there loud and stress me out i love them but i need them fiest few hours to bond and chill as muxh as possible xx

[hxanita]

Hey, I’m with you on it Hun. I was exactly the same. Didn’t want visitors for the first day. Think you deserve that bit of privacy and time on your own. You’ll be shattered and overwhelmed, especially being such young mum. I think your family should respect your wishes. There will be plenty of other times they can pop round.

Lots of love

Anita xxx

[Ceden273 in reply to hxanita]

Yes, exactly i don't mind them coming after a few hours but I just dont want them there right away because i want to get on my feet first and i want my boyfriend to be able to be comfortable in learning how to feed, pick up and change baby and not have my family telling him and making him feel as though hes doing wrong x

[Kate91 in reply to Ceden273]

They wont be able to visit right away anyway, not till youve been moved to ward and then only during visiting hours. it usually takes a little while to be moved onto the ward anyway.

[hxanita in reply to Ceden273]

You seem like you know exactly what you want which is brill! There is another thing you could do which is telling at the hospital you don’t want any visitors until you decide when you’re ready for it so even if they rocked up at the hospital they would not be let in by the midwifes. Plus visiting times are from 2 pm till 6 pm. Keep strong xxx

[McrLass]

Maybe I can give a bit of a different view - hopefully helpful?

Don't know you or your family, so I can only give this based on my experience - my brother and his girlfriend had their first baby about 6 weeks ago, who is the first baby grandchild in our family, clearly this was a big deal to us all. We've strived for months to get to know his girlfriend, her existing daughter from a previous relationship and generally them as a family of three, which was soon to be four.

They must have had some of the same thoughts and feelings as everyone who has replied, and were very conscious of wanting their own space and bonding time which everyone completely understands.

However. Please, please don't make the mistake they did - 3 months before the birth they told the grandparents (and the rest of us by association) that they didn't want any visitors for 2 weeks once the baby was born. To a family that have been close, and incredibly supportive during the pregnancy both emotionally and financially, and bursting with excitement about a new baby this was devastating. To them, this was asserting their rights as parents and no doubt trying to set some boundaries to avoid any surprises at the time, but to the grandparents especially, this was cruelly implying that they were seen as interfering and had no right to expect to see their grandchild when first born. To be clear, this was not just saying 'we might need a bit of space, can we see you the day after' or 'please don't come to the hospital, we'll see you once we're home'.

Carrying on for the next 3 months, trying not to let this change anything, but inside feeling rejected, has been very hard. It's very difficult to get excited and talk about (and answer questions about) the imminent addition to your family when you feel like you've been punished for something way ahead of the birth. It wasn't the parents who ended up picking up the pieces after their actions, the grandparents 'kept it together' in their presence, for fear of saying the wrong thing and risking an even longer period of exclusion. For 3 months the grandparents agonised over what they'd done wrong and it was the rest of us who were left trying to reassure.

The baby was born, we found out by text, and then the very next day they visited the grandparents as if nothing had ever been said. This almost made it worse. 3 months of hurt for absolutely nothing. It was as if this was a provisional embargo just in case they wanted the time to themselves.

I've only met my niece once. She's 7 weeks old this week. I don't feel welcome to ask if it's ok if I go round and have never been invited, and all my offers of help - practical (job hunting, cleaning), financial, babysitting for their older child, having them all round for dinner are just met with maybes. This embargo early on has made us all feel like we're walking on eggshells.

So my plea is twofold -

- don't back yourself into a corner by setting a time limit, be gentle in suggesting that you'd love to see them once you're on a ward or at home or whatever, depending on how things go. Then you can change your mind if you need to.

- really explain to them why you're saying that, and if you're bothered about their feelings, explain that it's not because they've done anything wrong, it's just because you want a bit of time together.

Just my view - I hope it all works out for you xx

[roxannacar in reply to McrLass]

This is quite a sad situation! I hope things improve for you. Sounds all very manipulative 😢

[Ceden273]

Owh god no that must of been horrible I just want the first few hours or the first day thats all and I can see from there prospective (as in my family's) but at the same time I moved out at 16 and I am very independent and my family know that I think from my opinion i just want to have my opinion respected xx

[Kempton]

People can be so self absorbed! You are perfectly entitled to a moments privacy and chance for you both to bond with your newborn baby. Your family are being ridiculous. Why don't you just not tell them when you go into labour? You might be in hospital for hours, or days, before the baby even arrives. You're only usually allowed up to 2 birthing partners anyway.

I do agree with what people above have said about maybe having your mum on standby incase you feel you need her.

I think what you're asking for is totally reasonable, it's not like you're saying they can't visit!

There are so many factors out of your control when it comes to childbirth that I would say don't worry too much. Eventually your family will meet the baby so just explain to your family thst you want your partner to be your only birthing partner but that they can visit.

When our baby was born me and my hubby were just so proud we wanted to share him with everyone, but we still got that one night just the 3 of us.

Hope it all works out for you.

[mrsdala]

Get your boyfriend to tell them you're asleep and to come back later 😂

I know they're busy, but I imagine hospital staff would help with this? Last thing they need is a stressed out mum-to-be xxx