Any problems with unsupportive friends post-cancer?

[Dizzydisturbed]

I've felt my friends drift away over the past three years, I know I've been difficult to be with... No-one can understand that even after the all-clear, nothing is the same again. At 61 now, I've been through the menopause twice now - radiotherapy caused the second menopause, which was horrible. But, as a 'friend' I've recently lost says, "no-one has to understand". This hurt a lot, but I suppose it's true. Why should they? All they've seen is this angry, hurt, needy person suffering from abandonment issues, you know those feelings after the all-clear? Of course, everyone was supportive during cancer treatment, it was wonderful, but afterwards that cushion disappears - of course! I understand that - why would there be when, after all, you don't have cancer anymore? I'm very lucky, please don't think I'm not, but anal cancer and treatment takes a toll not just on your intimate life (profound difficulties) but your mental health as well. But because you don't have cancer anymore, your friends assume it's all over. That's why I'm here, I'm hoping/wondering if anyone else has experienced feelings of loneliness and isolation as well... Thank you for reading.

[HarleyQuinn82 Community Pioneer]

I too have found it difficult since finishing treatment. So much support during both from friends, family and health professionals then suddenly people think because you finish treatment your fine, that’s what I thought before I went through it myself, I had no idea what it would be like afterwards.

I’ve been lucky I’ve not lost friends but I definitely don’t speak to them about my symptoms or experiences but I have found new amazing support from my online friends who’ve been through the experience and get it with no judgment. I feel I have been more honest and open with people I’ve never met than someone of my oldest friends.

I don’t blame them for it, I get it it’s hard when you have no idea and it upsets them to hear our experiences and it reminds them it can happen to anyone which is terrifying.

I hope you find this group and others provides you with some comfort and camaraderie and that you can open up about your experiences here.

I found that having people I can be honest with really helps and I then use my non cancer friends as an escape from it all as I can focus on other things aside from cancer xxx

[SpaghettiBetty]

Oh Dizzydisturbed I completely understand.

I’ve had so many friends and even family be totally baffled why I’m not back to ‘normal‘ after treatment. I’ve had such severe side effects that were hospitalising me regularly for years that I stopped telling friends when I’d been admitted. I tell a select few but I get worried that others may think I’m being overly dramatic or making it up.

It’s so hard for anyone to completely understand unless they’ve been through it but you absolutely deserve compassion from friends.

We’re here if you need to talk.

Sending you a big solidarity hug.

You aren’t alone ❤️

[jude-the-obscure Community Pioneer]

Harley Quinn is right! Our friends find the whole business of cancer upsetting and want to enjoy our company in a more light hearted way.

Family too can be resistant to such conversations! This web site is helpful 'cos we all understand in one way or another.

The Macmillan helpline is good too - you can find the number on line. Other counselling services are available thro your oncology team.

So sorry you are so down - I have even phoned the Samaritans in the middle of the night when feeling really desperate for a listening ear.

Be kind to yourself and seek out the help that you need!

Very best wishes

Jude

PS it is really a big let down when you are discharged from care. I can remember it well!

[Skellige Community Pioneer]

Hi there

Oh yes, your experience is familiar. I ‘lost’ friends immediately after diagnosis, those who were terrified even of the word ‘cancer’, and didn't know what to say. It’s been 8 years since then, and it has got easier. For one, the absolute need to talk about cancer has finally faded - at first I just needed to voice it all, as let’s face it, it’s a momentous, terrifying experience which overtakes pretty much everything else. Having to face our own mortality changes so much, for a start!

I too found Macmillan a great help, and used their helpline a few times when I needed to talk (and cry uncontrollably).

I guess even the best of friends and the most loving family can lack the skills to hear, understand and redirect such grief. My brother has recently had neck and mouth cancer, and has rung me often to vent a bit and to escape his partner’s relentless positivity!

Sharing here is a start, and if you still find friends drifting maybe some separate counselling could help focus the cancer related stuff and leave you freer to just chat about everything else.

Good luck - and keep coming back here ...

[Dizzydisturbed in reply to Skellige]

Hey thank you...yes too much positivity can be annoying, everything in moderation. Totally empathise with the mortality aspect, oddly I felt a strange sense of peace when facing the possibility. I think it’s partly that that makes friends/family who haven’t faced mortality shy away or lack empathy - of course...it’s nobody’s fault but cancer’s. Hope your brother’s ok, it’s good he has you who really understands to talk to. Many thanks for your post and I wish you well. 😌

[RoseTyler]

2 years after I finished treatment, I had a 'friend' write an entire blog on the Internet criticising how I was dealing with everything and berating me for 'not being over cancer' yet.

Needless to say, she's not my friend any more. Despite many of my 'cancer friends' reading the blog, being appalled, calling her on her insensitivity and complete lack of empathy or knowledge of what it's like, she refused to concede. What a narcissist > .

[Ladyparts in reply to RoseTyler]

Wow! I'm glad that 'friend' is no longer a friend! Incredible. As I said to someone recently - if you think hearing about it is painful, trying LIVING with it!!

[Ladyparts]

Sorry I'm a bit late to the party here! Yes, I completely understand. I had wonderful support during treatment and there were some friends, in particular, who really went above and beyond for me. After treatment and the initial all clear, though, all of that died down. There are a few very tuned in people who still ask how I'm doing, but most find it a bit of a drag I think and just expect us to pick up where we left off. A bit difficult when you have basically gone through the most traumatic experience of your life and you are living with the much-underestimated and unexpected aftermath.

On the outside I look the same as I did before. On the inside I am dealing with daily pain, the grief of infertility and childlessness, sexual problems/issues with intimacy, early menopause, fear of recurrence, sadness over losing my health and the life I thought I had - and an enormous sense of pressure to keep all of that under wraps so that I don't start to lose 'friends'.

Like others here, I'm so grateful to have found people who understand the complexities of this and what lies beneath the surface of our 'I'm well thank you' response to the 'How are you?' question people really don't want us to answer honestly!

xo