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Anjali Singh-Mitter is a qualified therapist with expertise in CBT and Hypnosis. Anjali will be able to to give you tangible tools on how to cope with potential anxieties surrounding COVID-19 and re-entering a 'new normal' life. You can take these skills away and implemented into your routines offline.
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It's important to remember that the lockdown situation will, in most cases, exacerbate pre-existing anxieties rather than create new ones. The solution here is to go to your support system (therapist/friends etc) and talk it through, because there is a reason that this pain is coming to the surface for you. Pain has a purpose: it points you in the direction of something that is hurting that needs attention. If you pay due attention to that part of yourself (just as you would a child who is crying), the pain will end.
With me when I worked at a toxic job that I left last year I would always be angry all the time and seemingly stupid things would set me off that in normal circumstances I wouldn't have worried about.
Now looking back I have learned feeling angry isn't some terrible terrible thing that needs to be avoided at all costs!
Its how you deal with it that matters as with me it was telling me I deserved better than that job and had led me to make the tough decision to leave altogether and looking back the only thing I regret is not having left sooner!
I feel its no happy accident that since I left that job last year my life has changed for the better!
Things always happen for a reason! Our minds are more complex than we imagine, and it's not a coincidence that we find ourselves in tough situations making the decisions that we are. Anger (within reason) is a fantastic emotion - it propels us into doing something about our circumstances and drives us to make change. Think, without anger we wouldn't have people clamouring for justice in society or campaigning for the environment. Anger is good when we acknowledge it and act rationally because of it.
I'm starting to think its true that there's a reason behind why things work out the way they do.
Nowadays I'm not angry all the time like I was then because the source of the problem has gone and its nice to know that I was angry for a reason.
Hi anjalismitter, Welcome to our community. Can I start the ball rolling by asking how I deal with an over-anxious partner who is trying to curtail my life as I try to get back to normal? For instance, yesterday I needed to go out to buy a birthday card and he asked if I wanted him to accompany me! I know he's wanting to be protective, but it's all getting a bit over the top. How can I rein him in a bit?
Addressing the anxiety is key, but in a manner that allows you to remain separate from it. It sounds like they're trying to mask their anxiety in other activities (such as accompanying you to the shops) when in fact, what they need is a conversation about why they're feeling so anxious. You don't need to "do" anything specific because this is something that your partner has to deal with, but by showing that you are there for them and that you want to help/support them, it will go a long way into reassuring that anxious part in them. The second thing is indulge the parts of him that want your attention - so if you don't want to be accompanied to the shops, suggest a joint activity for later in the day (maybe a walk in the park or something like that?).
Good question, and a recurring theme with a lot of people so you're not on your own! The key is to focus on the PRESENT MOMENT and treat each day as separate. Mindfulness is a really good practise here - I'd recommend the app Headspace any day but now is a good time to get into it. Further to that, Netflix have done a great series called "Explained: The Mind" and whilst all five episodes are good, I think the episode on Mindfulness is really interesting and well worth a watch. It really unpacks what I've alluded to here.
What I have found that's helped me personally in coming out of lockdown is setting myself small challenges and seeing them through and then moving on to bigger ones when I'm ready say like meeting friends outdoors and then a visit to the pub, going to the smaller shops first and working up and my next challenge soon will be to go on the train in a few weeks time to meet some friends.
Best of luck and feel free to ignore this if its no help to you.
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I absolutely relate to that catgirl1976. Everything seemed so unreal at first, and, even now, if I stopped to think of the hassle that going out can be, I could stop doing it! But by constantly pushing just a little further each day, it becomes possible to have a sort of normality. I find that 'can't be bothered' is a much harder challenge than 'I'm scared'. I'd say it's a vicious circle to stay home because it's in going out that we re-establish our friendships and relationships. 🙏
I hear you - it's a really tough spot to be in. On one level, I could recommend a load of exercises and podcasts to listen to that might help, but I actually think that what you need to look at is to address this on a deeper level and remind yourself that these things do pass, and this will as well. It may not feel like it right now, but it will.
Focus on what support systems you do have access to. Most therapists are working virtually at the moment and it's not too much of a change to adjust to. Reaching out to friends and family via technology is an adjustment but we are remarkably resilient beings and we can make that adjustment. The adjustment itself isn't always comfortable, but it's always got a purpose. Like I said further up this thread, pain has a purpose. It brings your attention to something that needs healing. Nothing is impossible to overcome (I really do believe this) when we really want to get out of those spots.
Loneliness is arguably one of the most difficult things to grapple with, because it's easy to get lost in the maze that is our own mind. But don't forget that you yourself are made up of lots of different inner characters, and the one that is hurting can be comforted by a character that is not. You do have that within you - we all do - sometimes we just need help in getting there.
Some further writing that I've done that touches on this that I think may help you if you are interested:
It's hard, but things do get better if we focus on the present, and putting one foot in front of the other, rather than focussing so much on the future or the past. Focus on each day individually and it will allow you to bring more energy to the things that you are doing, and therefore help alleviate the pressure.
Further to my last comment - a few more thoughts that you may find helpful:
Monotony comes from disengagement. When we disengage from aspects of our life, it emphasis the bits that are left and they, therefore, feel monotonous. Mindfulness brings attention to even the smallest of things, and the it becomes far easier and more natural to feel the ups and downs in your day rather than just feeling as though the days are blurring into one and life is passing us by. It's an easy cycle to fall into, particularly in the situation that we're in now. Things that I would recommend doing outside of mindfulness:
- Different "activity" every day. Don't get stuck in a rut of my "one walk" of the day in the same park, doing the same route. If walking is your daily activity, try different routes, different lengths of time etc. to keep it interesting.
- Lean on the relationships in your life. Maintain dialogues with people even if it's just a quick exchange every day. Check in on people and share how your life is going too. The life we're leading at the moment is isolating, but it doesn't have to be lonely.
- Don't feel the pressure to "try lots of new things" etc. Do what makes you happy, and what makes you feel comfortable. Some days, that will just be television. Some days, it'll be picking up a new book. Some days it'll be a walk in the park. Listen to what your body wants and don't feel bad about indulging.
This is a tricky one only because the answer here will differ hugely from person to person, from job to job. Some general important things to remember:
- You're not trying to go "back to normal". We're entering a whole new normal, treat it as such. Enter your workspace with an open mind and the acknowledgment that you're creating a NEW workspace to function in. It'll bring a freshness to your work that you didn't have before, and it'll also help you adjust to new protocols that will inevitably be in place.
- If you are anxious about health in the work place, please speak to your manager/boss/seniors. It is really important that those concerns are addressed exactly, and workplaces are held accountable to keep their employees safe. Workplaces do have this in place, but sometimes employees don't know the full extent of it and that in itself can cause anxiety.
- Remember to maintain a sense of balance. Just because you've been working from home or not in work for many months, doesn't mean dive in deeper than you can swim. Take things step by step, and give yourself time to adjust and learn how to keep things going.
How do I deal with uncertainty that's brought on whilst looking for a new job?
It's a tricky position to be in and one that you share with many other people across the world so just that in itself is important to remember.
Take each day as it comes - you WILL end up in the place that you need to be, and your psyche is wiser and more complex than we give credit. Use the time whilst job hunting to focus on other parts of your life as well, don't put blinkers on and focus solely on work and the job hunt whilst neglecting other parts of yourself. Keep a balanced and open mind, which then allows for the most efficient/optimal use of your energy. This will yield better results in the job hunt because you'll be operating from a place of balance and calm rather than stress and anxiety.
That's it I have had times myself when I have taken a step back and told myself how in no way is job hunting the be all and end all of life!
Any ideas on how to deal with unexpected situations that happen in life as I have been doing an investigation on this looking at what it is that upsets me and why say things like unexpected phone interviews which I feel are a bit cheeky myself and having plans interrupted due to unexpected interruptions in the comfort of my own home which has upset me.
I think with the unexpected things the anger is really fear as its jarring when you are sat at home quietly minding your business and there's an unexpected knock at the door and I immediately fear the worst when that happens that some tragic event has occurred.
It's important to remember that we can't plan things exactly. What it sounds like is that you need to unpick the emotion that lies underneath the anger - like you say, the fear.
Be kind to yourself, recognise that those unexpected moments have a significance to what you need to go through because if they didn't, they wouldn't trigger an emotional response in you. The key is in the moment of fear that happens when you get thrown off course, and when you unpick that fear then the jarring feeling will start to dissipate.
Another important thing to remember is that over analysis of our lives actually trips us up more than we might imagine. We can't and shouldn't have to unpick our own minds by ourselves, because we can't do so from a place of objectivity and we will always have a bias (without even realising). Here, instead of analysis, practice acceptance. Practice just acknowledging the emotion and acting from a place of "this is happening, this is what I feel about it, and it is OK". If we fight it, we fuel the situation into something bigger.
A kind colleague at my previous job had said how life throws up events we don't plan for which was right!
Last night myself and my husband did a role play with unexpected knocks at the door and how I would respond when it happens again and I had come up with the idea of counting to 20 before answering which I found helpful and telling myself that I would cope if the worst did happen as I have done in the past.
I feel next time this happens I will count to 20 for anything and take a step back before responding after taking 5 minutes to look at what it is that upsets me about this event and why that's the case and go from there.
This is good - and I can see that you find it helpful. Also just remember to trust yourself, you don't need to rehearse everything. Rehearse and walk it through to the point that you have a plan (just like you've done) and then also just reassure yourself and leave it alone. Overanalysing and overthinking will inflate the situation so do some general things to lower your anxiety levels on a whole:
- Breathing exercises
- Meditation/mindfullness
- Yoga
Three pillars to keep in check are sleep, nutrition and movement. If you are ticking all three of those boxes (ie. enough sleep, good nutrition and some degree of exercise/movement), your body will be in a good state to be able to withstand pressure and deal with anxiety in a logical, helpful way.
How to deal with people who won't take no for an answer as this infuriates me greatly!
Really, all that we can do is practice letting it go and setting boundaries. Make your boundary very clear, and hold it strong. It doesn't need to be a war, you don't need to get into a war about it, but just maintaining a boundary will send them on their way.
Ultimately, we can't do a lot about the lives of others. If somebody won't take no for an answer, that's because they are going through their own battles and struggles that prevents them from really hearing that "no". Just recognise that and hold your boundary with that in mind. The thought process is "this is my boundary, you are not welcome to cross it, but your feelings about it are your own, not mine".
Hi anjalismitter, thanks for taking the time to be with us this morning. My question is, what advice or tips can you give our members who have come out of lockdown, only to find they are experiencing it again with local lockdowns that are happening from region to region. This yo- yo effect could be happening for some time to come and people are apprehensive it will come to their area. Thank you. 👍🌈
Good question, and what's important to remember here is that this virus is not a "short term thing" that we just have to muddle through once and be done with it. It is very clearly something that is going to take time to move through, and there will be different phases of what is doable and not doable (I reckon for quite a while yet). Therefore, with this in mind, the important things to remember are:
- We are creating a "new normal", not waiting for things to be going "back to normal". Put energy into finding sustainable ways of living for the foreseeable future, which allow for social distancing measures/keeping safe etc.
- Place an emphasis in your life on maintaining communication with other people virtually whether you are locked down or not. Lockdown has been an extraordinary chance to really check in on one another and develop a sense of community that was, in many cases, lost in the sea of "the everyday" prior to lockdown.
- Treat each lockdown as a new one. Use what you've learned in the past to make it better/easier, because it's more familiar every time it happens. But it is always new, and it is never a "repeat of the past".
- Look for the silver linings, because they do exist. Look at what lockdown GIVES you as opposed to what it takes from you. If you look for those things, you will find them!
This blog post of mine might help in more detail if you are looking for something more detailed:
I think a similar answer to that of your last question would be applicable here - boundaries is key. You focus more on YOU and less on them, and they will untangle their own journey. The moment we get over-absorbed in other people (including being massively triggered by them), is when we give that emotion or action far more power than it needs. If it bothers you, disengage and get on with your OWN life because we can't and shouldn't change other people, we can only work on why that other person has triggered us so much. When we find the answer to that question, the external situation disappears because it no longer affects us in the same way.
I see our hour is almost up, so I'd just like to thank Anjali so much for being here. It was interesting and I'm sure, helpful too..... thanks Ajali! 🙏👍
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