Wow today has been so hard...
I think i'll start with a positive, my dad came and took me out today. I had to drop forms off to the council offices and get my sons anti reflux milk. I was so worried about going out as i get bad panick attacks. But i went out, and despite having a few panick attacks i had food in a cafe, which is good as my appitite is none exsitent. So im proud of myself because we had to drive through the road that i got knocked over on three years ago and i havnt been there since that day. So i guess thats been a positve of today.
My son didnt sleep well last night, he hasmt been his self lately, hes not sleeping proply or eating proply and im sure hes loosing weight. He cried all night so by 7 this morning i was exhausted. My daughter woke up in one of her tamtrums (im sure she suffers adhd as she islike me and my brother amd we have adhd).
My neighbour came in with her children, and i broke down, its jus been tpo much. I been feeling down for weeks but today i realised i need more help. Ive got lower than i ever have before.
I text my mum and admitted that my depression is bad and im struggling. I want to run away and dont want to be in the same house as my kids, i cant do this anymore its a constant battle over whos right. I got my daughter kicking off anx tantruming and hyper and my son is clingy and not right and their father is just as bad, hes not supporting, dont get me wrong he helps out round the house but he cant deal with my depressiom or the kids behaviour amd he ends up shouting.
I feel like the kids would be better if i wasmt in the picture as my low mood has to be affecting them and maybe thafs why they are playing up.
My mum asked me if i was suicidle... Which shocked me... I am mot suicidle more on the verge of running away for a few days... I could never leave my kids alone. They didnt ask to b put on this planet so they shouldnt have to suffer amd this makes me more upset as i dont want them affected by this. My brother commited suicide and it tore us all up so i would never ever do that.
I jus need more support. Some one to take the weight off my shoulders, i guees somw sympathy, i live on my own with the kids, me and their father my partner dont live tpgether as it was too arguementative so i moved in on my own. And its jus overwhelming sometimes. Its hard enough dealing with pnd and kids when you live with someone and its harder doing it alone.
I cant see a way out of this. Im hoping now ive broken down amd explained how low i am that i will get some more support. My mums coming down to help me tomoro so i will go to tbe drs as i think i may need to change my meds. Ive arramged for my health visitor to come out to see what other support is available as i dont want this to get any worse. I guess the upside of having depression with my first is that im awafe of warning signs and i knw wen to admit that ive hit rock bottom.
Im broken, i cant take anymore, i feel numb, angry with myself for feeling like this, guilty, ashamed of how i feel, but i feel proud of myself for admitting this finaly., so i knw this cant get much worse as people are aware and can look out for me. I dont have to pretend im coping and everythings fine nymore.
My dad has said once a week hes going to take me out, to try and cheer me up i think. My mum is going to help until i sort my meds put and well i hope my partner will realise and not shout so much nymore.
Untill tomoro......
xxx
