Those that can't do... RANT!
rantingsofamadwomanblog.com...
Warning; This blog post may contain some strong language. If you are easily offended by expletives, perhaps you want to think twice before clicking on the link above. There are but one or two in this particular post.
So beautifully written and poignant mamic1.
You still have the wonderful memories of your mother and brothers.
Hold on to that Spirit.
Thank you, I will. I have no choice as they are part of my very existence. xxx
Dear Melissa - words fail me - it's just SO HARD to lose the people we really love - I also miss my wonderful Mum and my sister Kim every day - but try to keep them 'safely tucked in' my heart ...
Rimmy
XXX
Melissa, anniversaries can be especially hard, but as you say, you think of your Mom and miss her every day. You were a wonderful daughter and sister.
I was sitting outside, knitting in the sunshine the other day and all of a sudden started to weep for my Mum, who died over 4 years ago - I don't know why - not an anniversary.
Have a peaceful day today. xx
Thank you. I know that feeling... it comes out of nowhere doesn't it?
I've just stopped crying so I can reply to you now....how often do you hear someone saying they'd just left the room.....your mum was so young and you losing your brothers as well....you've had a lot to contend with and dealt with it, on the surface, admirably it seems. I have similar memories of my parent's dying. My mum was in a coma for 4 days, she knew what was going on I swear, she never regained consciousness and waited until 35 minutes past midnight when it was peaceful - dad was 21 days dying, we didn't know that - thought he was going to get better - so he decided to go when everyone had gone to get something to eat. I was winging my way back from Essex to Yorkshire (third time) - as he was being discharged I'd headed back home - until I got the call to say he was in a bad way again and to get there asap - I raced the 250 miles, driving that journey on my own for the first time, and got there just after he'd gone, my brothers and sisters were waiting outside of ICU for me so I knew - I just screamed 'he can't have!'.
My father in law died on my OH and his sister's birthday, they have the same birthday 3 years apart.
Take your time today Melissa xxx
Ohhhhh Telian, ...you've been there too! I'm so sorry I made you cry, but I hope it was as cathartic as writing this blog was for me. And thank you for sharing.
You are welcome and I did not, for one minute, expect those emotions to come back to me as they did, just shows what we're hiding. I nearly put 'please don't be sorry', because I knew you would, so don't, there really is no need, just shows how good your writing is! I blame it on the pred again!! being emotional so easily and not being able to hide it I mean...
Yes, we'll blame it on the PRED! ; )
I can relate to those feelings Melissa. The loss pain, the anger,bewilderment,lack of control & sense of abandonment maybe! You do the words so well.
Thanks Pepperdoggie. I guess, at our age, we have all lost someone close to us... if not many. Thank you for reading.
Thank you so much for sharing that. It made me cry, but then it made me realise that life is for living, so get on with it no matter what!
Like you I remember my parents every day. My father died in 1989 and my mother in 2002.
My father was in hospital after a heart op, was out of intensive care and was making a good recovery. So I too was away from the hospital when the call came to say he had passed away. For many weeks afterwards I was sure I'd seen him in the streets or in a shop and go rushing over. But no, it was just my mind wanting it to be him. I wanted him to carry me on his strong shoulders and take me swimming in the rain again.
My mother was in hospital too and like you I told her that it was ok for her to go and we would all miss her, but we would be ok. She too waited until I had left. She had dementia and although she didn't recognise many family members she always knew who I was. Even though sometimes she tried to get me to go on a date with a doctor. It was always upsetting when she would say that her mum and dad hadn't visited for a while and I'd have to tell her that they had died many years before. While she was ill her young brother, Sam, died, it was sudden. I went to break the sad news to her and all I said was "I've got something to tell you" and she turned, looked me in the eyes and said "I know, Sams dead". I don't know how she knew.
My parents were dancers and used to teach dancing, so I like to think of them together dancing to the music they loved.
There are so many happy memories that I can bring to mind and, although it often makes me cry, it's such a comfort.
Also as a family we often recall happy and funny things that happened with them in the past. So I hope you have friends and family you can do this with.
Blessings to you x
Our family has a similar story with my great aunt. When my mother got the call early one morning that my aunt was gone, she went to the hospital upset that she hadn't stayed longer the night before. My aunt's roommate told her that after my mother had left a nice young man had come in and visited with her for quite awhile. She didn't know the man's name but when asked described my cousin perfectly. Little did the roommate know that he had died many years earlier.
Ohhh Footfairy-1, If my rant prompted your walk down Memory Lane, I am so happy! As difficult as those memories can be sometimes, it's important to relive them and resurrect our loved ones! How did your Mom know about Sam???? Wow! I'm sorry if I made you cry, but I hope it helped to cleanse your soul. : ) Thank you!
My Mom did the same thing. I signed the DNR, and sent my sister and brothers home. I told Mom she was free to go. I sat holding her hand, waiting for the monitors to tell me she was gone. Some hours later, I had to use the rest room. By the time I returned, she was gone.
Weeks later, we brought her ashes to the beach, as instructed. My dad had passed a few years earlier, at the same beach near our summer house, sitting in his beach chair gazing at the ocean while we were all around him, reading. He went so quietly we didn't even know he was gone. At his request, his ashes were scattered at that beach, where we had so many happy memories.
When it was time to honor Mom's wishes, it was a cloudy day in September. Just before sunset, we walked into the warm water to cast her ashes into the surf as we had Dad's. Don't you know that just at that moment, a huge wave came along and knocked us all on our butts! I mean, we were floundering and sputtering as we tried to come to our feet, and we kept getting knocked down. We were laughing like lunatics.
No doubt, the two of them were playing their old tricks on us, because as we made our way back to the beach blanket, lo and behold the sun came out. And there was a rainbow shining over the beach pointing in the direction of our house.
I'm not one to believe in such things as spirits and afterlives, and neither were they.
But there you have it.
You should see the goosbumps on my arms! Wow, what an experience!
Oh my goodness... that made me laugh out loud!!!!! "No doubt, the two of them were playing tricks!!!!" For sure. I do believe in those things and the wave would have been enough... the sun and the rainbow clinched it!!!!!! Thanks for sharing that!!!!
My mum did the exact same thing. We had all been with her the whole day. Had gone home to get something to eat and sort the children out for bed. We got a phone call to say she had gone. We raced back hoping that they were wrong and I would see her still breathing. Alas it was not to be. I was like she had said ‘ok I have seen you all now do I can go in peace’.
When I got home that evening I sat in the garden for a while and saw a shooting star like a sign to say she was still watching over us.
Will never forget that day. It’s like it happened yesterday but was 14 years ago.
Oh wow! Cool, a shooting star! Yup, it does feel like yesterday huh? How can that be... Mine is 27 years ago!!!!! Thanks for sharing.
So sad. No words. Just hugs via the air waves x
I caught them... thank you! She was totally cool, Pongo. xx
I am so sorry you are grieving. Sometimes it just washes over like a giant wave. It amazing me what people can manage to do at the end of their time on earth. A close friend waited two weeks for her brother to get home from an aircraft carrier half way across the world, let go just after he had to return. My Dad had brain surgery for cancer, showed the doctors he could walk and do stairs so they would let him come home. Immediately started to fall and became bedridden. He faded quickly and stopped eating. If I am being honest he was already gone for over a week when he stopped breathing, but he waited until my Mom left his side to go to the bathroom. She believes he did it on purpose. I do too.
My Dad now appears to her in dreams during stressful times and it seems to bring her comfort. If you believe that cardinals are visits from loved ones, he has visited at church in our outdoor sanctuary where services are held in the summer, sitting on the wall where his ashes are interred. It's been five years but I still grieve. I was trying to be the strong one for my Mom and my daughter who was 14 at the time and very close to my parents. I did not take care of myself and I think it was the first of a few events that brought me to the land of PMR. I'm hoping I have learned from this journey that one can't care for others if you neglect to care for yourself but it seems to be a bit of a process.
I think it's important to acknowledge grief, cry and remember the good times instead of pushing it away. Hard but healthier. Hugs 💗
Beautifully written TooSore.... I am sorry for your loss. And I so agree, it is very important to "acknowledge grief, cry and remember the good times instead of pushing it away." xxx
That was just so beautifully written and bought tears to my eyes mamic1 it does help to talk about it and if it helped you then it’s good to share although you owe me a box of tissues!
Oh wow.... thank you Suffolklady. Thank you . If my words moved you to emotion, you have just payed me the biggest compliment!!! Thank you!
Yes, reliving that day helps me a lot... now I have written documentation of it, that will be here long after I'm gone! : )
IOU one box of tissues. Deal
xx
So hard Melissa, I'm sorry! Hang onto the memories and they will be with you for ever!
Love 😢
Thanks stellafmdm, I will! : )
Special thoughts .. xxx
Thank you. Appreciate your comment!
Yes, it made me cry too....my mum died the same year as yours...and in June, her birthday would have been today....she was 66 my age when she died.....it may be a lot of years ago...but I can cry easily thinking of her....I am convinced it depends on the life people have had that makes a difference to how you look back....my mother had a horrible sad life with my step father...….so this we all in the family struggle with....but I learnt lessons from seeing this......and would never allow my self to have that sort of life, my sister`s too.....
It`s hard seeing those close leave us....but we try to stay strong...….it was lovely to read your account of the past...…..Enjoy the good memories.....I wish I could with my mother, I make sure my family especially grand children will have them of me (us) xx
Very, very lovely, Melissa...xxx
Thank you Pipalina.... Thanks for your continued support.
Are you really out of the PMR Club?
That was brilliantly written and a privilege to read.
Thank you Peachy6958, what a lovely complement. Thank you! Thank you for taking the time to read.
Oh well you've just finished me for the afternoon!! These things don't get any easier!!! Each year that passes - its just like yesterday!! Best wishes x
Ohhhhhh, I'm sorry! ...but hope by "finished," you mean awakened some lovely memories, of loved ones lost, that's not such a bad thing!!!! Just go with it... xxxxx
Beautifully written. My mum did the very same x
Thank you MayH. I think they do what they want to do.... and they do what they think is best for us.
Thank you for sharing Melissa! Very moving and poignant. How hard it must have been to go through all that with your mum and then with your brothers. These experiences, I believe, help shape us into what we are. I wonder if these experiences were instrumental in you doing the job you did,later on in life, to be with folk during their last hours and moments of life.
Hi Jackoh, Thank you... and thank you for your support! Yes, absolutely these experiences do shape us and contribute to who we are... And YES, again, all of these losses (especially the loss of my brother Charlie) sparked something in me. I knew (after that) that I wanted/needed to be with people, during the end of life journeys, and that I had something to offer to that experience. I am comfortable with death now and not afraid to talk about all aspects of it... people who are dying appreciate that and want and need that honestly. Thank you for asking that !!!! xx
I've been arranging a funeral this week, so this was timely, thank you. I also peeked at another of your blogposts - my steroid tabs will forever more be known as 'the Devil's Tic Tacs' x
Sorry to hear that whisperit. I hope it all goes well and you get to sit back and relax with some good memories soon...
'the Devil's Tic Tacs,' not my creation, but I love it too!!!!! Thanks for reading and supporting my blog.
❤️❤️❤️
Taking pred at the exact same time each day
11 days back at 10mg
Flare question
Still on Pred after 11 yrs 
Success! Off of prednisone and Actemra. 
