A new May-December relationship with Parkinson´s - Should I deal with him as with someone with no disease NO CONTACT or not?

I met him in a spa, he being 77 year old succesful business with obvious symptoms of PD, me being 44 year old single woman. From the begining on he seemed very busy, but I admired his courage, his self-confidence and I fell madly in love with him. Since we are 400 km away (different countries) I thought this would be the end. But he made all the effort to get me and visit me with his car in my country. He loves his expensive sports cars. He´s always been inconsistent with me which made me suffer a lot. Once he told me he needed me so much, the other time he was unavailable. I tried to help him with all I could, but many time he rejected my help and even called me zombie. I enjoyed sex with him, but right now I am begining to question myself if it wasn´t only sex for him. After 5 months of dating, there was his last call. He was so nice saying how much he needed me (note twice divorced with four kids different age from 20 to 51). Since then I haven´t heard from him anymore. I called once but my call remain unanswered and I DO know he hasn´t passed away. My question is: does anybody know how this disease affects the feeling of love? Is it possible that he left me simply because he stopped me loving (still now he is running his firm) or there might be something that this disease is doing to him. I was very tolerant of his inappropriate behaviour only because of PD, but right now I´ve deceided to treat him in a usual way. He doesn´t call and I won´t call him either.It´s two months of no contact but I still miss him so much. And the worst thing is that he is the greatest love of mine and the only so far with this horrible disease - so I really don´t know how to react. Sometimes I believe that he firmly believed that I was with him only because he was rich and he wanted only to play with me, but my intuition tells me that is is aware of my love but simply don´t care for me if even. The basic problem here for me is his PD - I don´t know how to behave since this is not a usual situation (age difference and disease and different country).I hope you got my point. In a normal situation I would live him alone for ever with the motto: he´s just not that much into you, but in this case, so many questions appear. What if he broke contact because he didn´t want me to bring me trouble and removed himself to test my love.There is one thing noteworthy - he appeared to me over time very selfish, self-absorbed businessman, where business comes first. He was never late for his business meeting but very unpredictable when it came to us. Can somebody help me?

37 Replies

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  • He didn't have Parkinson's for all his previous marriages, surely. PD can excuse a lot, but I would say that there are too many indications that he is not a reliable participant in a relationship.

    Hope you find what you deserve and don't take less.

  • Thank you soup for your answer. Jeah, deep down in my heart I know this, nevertheless it is very difficult for me to accept this. I was so patient when we dated. Helped him dressed, eat, get out of a car. It was so nice to see your perspective. Thank a lot for your precious answer. I won´t cry for this man anymore.

  • How mant of the men in this group are sitting wondering how to say it without stating the obvious?

    Soup, I can piicture him sitting there too proud to tell you that, being a degenerating nerve disfunction, PD has finally reached "that bit". Is he of Germanic origin? they are a very proud people, as are many other nationalities.

    the silly thing is that, if he used the internet properly, there are many things there that would help him. Most men tend to think that it is a slur on his manhood.

    and i can confirm from personal experience that it can be sudden onset, just as easily as progressive

  • Allowercase, yes you´re right - he is Austrian living on the border with Germany. As I said before, if this were a normal situation, I ´d immediatelly accept the truth, but since he is so old and sick ... I don´t know. But he knows that I know everything about his PD. I even saw his medical papers. The last time he called he said he wasn´t allowed to drive his car so that he couldn´t come to see me, but honestly I don´t know if this was just an excuse ... (in case this is true it must be an enormous amount of loss for him since he is an owner of numerous Porsches).He seems to be so proud, self-absorbed and mostly he wouldn´t allow me to help. He´d rather pay huge tips to waitresses to help him walk.But when he wanted to contact me, he always did. He told the hospital stuff to give me a call or dictate the receptionist to write me a letter. Another issue that bothers me is his wealth. It could be that he thinks I don´t love him but his money although I didn´t exept anything from him - exept a few dinners and lunches. I´d really like to hear from you again. Thank you so much!!!

  • You have fallen in love with someone that is only interested in self serving! Four divorces? I would run really fast away from him! It's all about him! He's not returning your calls, that would be the end. Unless you would ask for an explanation for his rejecting you? Is it the PD he's embarrassed about or is he done with you and on to someone new? I would assume the latter!! Just my opinion!

    Blessings,

    Carol <><

  • Dear Carol, I am in a very confusing situation since I really don´t know what is going on. Besides he is so far away and I didn´t know him before. But if he doesn´t believe in my love and that I´m ready to be with him because I love him, there is not much to do, is it?

  • Alllowercase, I really appreciate your opinion! I'd like to hear from more men on this topic too!

    Blessings,

    Carol <><

  • Carol

    as you said, it is only 1 opinion, and, although itis based on personal experience, not many people in any group will have exactly the same experience as others. there are over 2,000 of us here now, so that is probably 1000 men.

    and yes, it is embarrasing for any man to admit that bits are falling off, but being open about it would give us a good voice for approaching our respective government officials both here and across the pond.

    for example, when it first came on the market, we were allowed 8 per month. now the generous government has restricted us to 4. they are shooting themselves in the foot. they are so busy worrying that there will soon be more pensioners with health issues than there are children and young adults. don't they realise that if they gave us back our viagra, we would be more than happy to do our bit to redress this imbalance in population

    and no, i am not wrong to include a joke here. it was just to show that it is easy to make dealing with it less embarassing.

  • sorry, i forgot to say i was talking about viagra (4 per month)

  • and Carol, four divorces is somewhere close to the national average. if you want to cut the divorce rate, make the marriage laws more stringent. the ones you have to watch are the ones who have 5 marriages in various countries and only 2 or 3 divorces. if any.

  • He is divorced twice and has four children,not four times!!!

  • And besides althoug having some problems, I´ve had the best sex with him ever. No younger, healthy man can compare with him. I apologize for my honesty!

  • don't apologise. we all need to be open about our situation. how else will our voice have credibility? and i envy you that experience.

    how many of you went n the "hardest hit" rally a couple of years ago? what happened to the motivation? what have hey done since? (I am not saying they have done nothing, but we have not been told about it.)

    why can we all not lobby the lobbyists and try and get that motivation going again.

    we areParkies. we are special. we have something extra over "normal" people - we have the supportof the emu, and he defeated parkie. we have the chance to do something significant for our descendants. someone upstairs has decided that we have what is needed, so we just need to find what it is He wants us to do.

  • Yes, I do agree with you that men with PD are really very special. Before I got to know him, I wouldn´t have had an idea dating a man so much older than me. But this man exercised a magical power over me and made me fall in love with him so much as never before. But unfortunately it was one-sided love. I was just a sex toy for him, otherwise he wouldn´t let me wait for him for two months with absolutely no contact! SAD BUT TRUE.

  • it happens to the best of us, and i must be one of the very best considering how many times it has happened to me

  • I'm so sorry I commented at all! In subscribing to this! I guess I misunderstood everything! Done! There's other groups! Judy my opinion!

    Blessings,

    Carol <><

  • Carol,

    I don´t know why you regret it. I´m grateful for your honest opinion and advice. I´was just confused about my situation but my guts already told me what it was for. EGO and nothing more. And I´m more than grateful to you since any sincere opinion can help me get thru this - to forget and forgive. I don´t know why I offended you. Please, accept my apology.

  • Give T'owd lad a call to see if he is still on his perch, life's too short, we soon drop off with a clonk and clap out.

    As my Gran used to say.

    ''Many a good tune played on an old fiddle even if the strings are a bit slack.''

    Perhaps he just wants company and is not looking for Holy Padlock, or is it wedlock?

    You don't need a ring on your finger to be friends, it seems he dosen't want one in his nose either.

  • can always count on you, oldtyke!

  • Tell me how can we be friends with a distance of 400 km and no contact? I didn´t want his ring just his company. Very soon I was aware of the fact that his two families would kill me for his money. So even if he offered I wouldn´t take much.I even suspect he abused me to make his rebelious kids to develop fears knowing that another woman might be in play ...

  • I 'm just wondering if he's on Requip or Mirapex, dopamine agonists that cause some (30%) to be addicts including sexually compulsive. (I suffered from that and it wasn't fun).

  • Thanks. As far as I know he is on STALEVO (100 mg Levodopa, 25 Carbidopa and 200 mg Entacapon) and SIFOL (Pramipexol). Besides he takes Xarelto (Rivaroxaban 20 mg) for other reasons. I´d be glad to hear how these drugs affect people´s mind, if somebody knows and how this use of the drugs affects on person´s love and sexual life.

  • If you really love him, give him the "benefit of the doubt." I have PD and met a wonderful lady with PD. When my PD gave me problems, I did not want to be around her because I like her and did not want to burden her with my problems. Now I wish I had spent more time with her; even if I was not functioning well. I would have loved it if she contacted me more. It really would have helped me.

    PD is expensive to care for. One with PD must face enormous financial hurdles, so it is not uncommon for a PD patient to put money problems first. Even wealthy people I know with PD have filed for bankruptcy. Follow your heart, and understand that people with PD need more help and compassion then others. I'm sure the rewards you will receive will make it worth your whole heart and effort. I wish you luck, and thank you for helping another human being.

  • Yes, I really love him. But since it´s two months since he hasn´t me contacted in any way, I really don´t know what to do. I called him once, but didn´t answer. You must know that I noticed that he takes his PD even as advantage. When he wants to talk to me it´s everything ok, but when I want to talk to him, often he doesn´t seem interested and is falling into sleep. I´ve read a lot about PD and also found the specialist in his contry and offered to go with him since he claimed that he might lose his driving licence. Can you imaging a man with numerous Porsches without driving licence? The last time we talked he said that he is without his driving licence and can´t come to see me and also that he would need a woman like me. His children do not be much of helf they are more interested in his money. I´ve listened to him - all his problems with children, offered him help etc.

    When we first met, I immediately knew that he is suffering from PD and had doubt to go with him in his car. But interstingly he is such a good driver that I immediately lost my fears. Well MagicMax - he was in hospital for several times and called me - I don´t know if he is really ashamed of his disease. I am beginning to think that it is more that he is a selfish businessman who knows how to seduce women - but because of his PD I´m not quite sure. And that´s my problem. So much help and compassion that I gave to hime - I can´t imagine more, but he was laughing at me as if he wanted to say how stupid you are.

    There is another thing - his driving licence. If he is really without it (he didn´t want to show me) - this might be the reason for him not to contacting me anymore. I´m definitely sure that his cars are his EGO. But what should I do?

    MagicMax, I´ve tried to save my ex-relatioships in that way and it never worked for me. With the age of 44 I am getting sick and tired of chasing love. My fear of rejection is so big that I really don´t know if I am able to do it.

    Especially since I know he still runs his firm as the only owner. And when he was interested, he always found the way to find me - other people called me, other people wrote letters to me, other people invited me to see him. And no no contact for two months. I would appreciate your answer since my soul is restless - it was so easy before in previous relationships because nobody was ill, but now ...

    Yes, I love him so deeply that I would be ready to help him and go with him to the doctors. The problem is that he believes that he can buy everything. He paid the best doctors and they prescribes him so he said "the best medication",He didn´t have questions about anything. Note he lives in Austria, I in a small country nearby. One thing I know for sure- you can pay all the money you have, but if you don´t actively participate in your own fight, the doctors won´t be of much help. I learned this from the experience (my parents are his age) and I know that my sister and I have saved our parents´lives many times because we fought. Old people are treated differently - they don´t pay much attention to old peple, unless they know they have somebody who really cares for them - this is at least the way our health system works.

    I am too long and too confused, but MagicMax, I´d really like to hear from you since you are man, you see things differently. I´m pretty sure that you didn´t perform an act of disappearance on your girlfriend and beware we are 400 km away - so I have no idea what he does at the moment - the only thing I know that he still runs his firm. Hope to hear from you soon!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH! PS: I don´t know what the benefit of the doubt is?

  • I think your final sentences say it all ' He was never late for his business meeting but very unpredictable when it came to us." Men who are self-absorbed are just that...there is no room for anyone else. They like to play for a while and be on their way.

    Remember that you are very special, and you deserve someone who deserves you. Don't settle...and don't go back.

  • Thank you, I think you are absolutely right. Even though I find it difficult to accept all this. Before that I was acting on my emotions, but now on my brain and intuition. When he disappeared I called him only once after one week actually I couldn´t know since our calls were not so frequent, but now after 2 months I realize he´s gone for good. The advice of MadMax is that sometimes men are ashamed to show in what bad situation they are. He is right. but how can be I of help since he is avoiding me. More and more I believe I was a booty call for him to boost his ego!!! Thank you so much Raveneaux - I am surprised how many people try to hel me here. Nice day to all!!!

  • I wish you all the best with your PD. Don´t give up!!!

  • Always difficult to give advice to others on matters concerning feelings, but here goes - and please forgive me for unitentional slurs on you.

    Bottom line, give up now. If he had feelings for you he wouldn't let you slip away.

    During my lifetime I have unfortunately worked with one or two individuals (male) whose inerests were purely physical in nature. One guy I recall told us he made use of the local marriage fallout clubs (pre-Internet so I don't know anything about how that worked). He said there was plenty of free sex available from partners who needed that sort of companionship. To him, women were just objects.

    For some men it's a rotten game of conquest, where they see the win being what's in your knickers. Once there, they lose interest and move on.

    Your guy shows the warning signals which I would be very suspicious about. Two failed marriages? Big red flashing beacon for me. Why did those marriages fail? His philandering and inability to remain faithful?

  • Thank you for your honest answer that deep down inside me has been there for a long time. I was just confused because of his age and PD. Yes you're right, when he had some feelings of even liked me bit (not much) he wouldn't have disappeared like that with no explanation. Yes there are plently of men who only want one thing, healthy or unhealthy, young or old.

    As far as his two marriages are concerned, all he said was they both had married him for money and none of them loved him.

    It hurts being aware that I was just an object to him. Anway I'll go my own way. And he's lost perhaps the last opportunity ME, who was ready to take care of him, while his children are planning to send him to odl people's home. So there he GOES and I just don't care anymore. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

  • Hey, we've all done things we regret. There's no point looking back, you can't change history. Look forward, and influence the future!

    If he really was 77 (who knows whether this might be part of his patter, to make a younger woman see an opportunity to get-rich-quick) then he's pond life by anyone's judgement.

    Please bear in mind that you might well be looking for an attachment (not necessarily physically). Be careful about putting the "I'm available" signs up because regrettably that will draw the wrong sort of attraction from people like this, and leaving you feeling wounded.

  • Kmxsoft,

    I do really appreciate your answers and rediness to help since recently I have almost lost hope to be loved by somebody. Right now I´m deep down - I´ve reached my bottom. And now it can only go up. You can´t understand - neither can I what I have done, what a stupid woman I was / am. I´ve got PhD, a good career and a well-paid job, my own apartment in the capital city, can travel worldwide,can pay myself expensive holidays in Germany or Switzerland (of course I can´t afford expensive sports cars, but who would want them??).Or could I? And I always did what I wanted to do, I studied what I loved not what will bring me more money. Money was never my priority (only to the point GIVE US OUR DAILY BREAD!!), I just did what I loved and I received a lot and achieved a lot - much more than I ever hoped for ...

    And still I am stupid and naive as far as human relationships are concerned, especially men.

    Since I met him, I´ve stopped writting my scientific articles and stopped reading my professional books, and PLEASE NO OFFENSE starting reading books, articles etc on PD, writing numerous letters to Parkinson´s organisations and searching for the best PD specialists since I felt that he can´t help himself as much as he could despite his wealth.And stop meeting with my friends and some Professors who always helped me. I can´t recognize myself anymore!!!

    And yes he is really 77, will soon turn 78. I know he played a pity play on me, but before that he wanted to impress me with his wealth. Of course I do not deny that I completely ignored his social status. But the way he seduced me was crucial: he acted as a man who knows what he wants, who knows how to treat woman, as a stong man with strong moral principles and values. As a catholic man (we met in a catholic monastery). But from my now point of view I see it was all just the game and from the beginning there was a lot of mistery involved.

    The only thing I regret from this experience that I will stop automatically pitying ALL the people who are sick. I´ve always thought that suffering makes people better - not in my case. Actually it wasn´t all of a sudden that I fell in love with him. He begged me to write, to call. Begged me. And at the beginning believe me I did it only because he seemed so lonely and ill but later strong feelings developed. Now I am the one with a broken heart.und hopefully not with a broken career or even existence.

    But having made so many wonderful experience here to see that there are PEOPLE OUT THERE, FAR AWAY FROM ME, WHO EVEN DON´T KNOW ME and suffer from this horrible disease and STILL DO CARE FOR ME. That´s been the best blessing and message I´ve ever received from GOD. That gives me strength not to give up searching love, but like you said with a totally different approach that will eliminate s... from the beginning. Kmsoft, Thank you so much. May God bless you. Josefina

  • You know something ? Love makes us vunerable and can also make fools of us...but in the big picture if what you felt for this man was real....you wouldn't be hanging around this website waiting for our response...you would put your pride in your pocket and go find him and talk...really talk with him. How many opportunities do you get in one lifetime where you can reallly conect with that "special" someone ? If he means that much to you..go find him...otherwise you will always be left wondering. The worst that can happen is that he tells you it was an affair...and its over. You deserve to hear it from him. I suspect his reaction could be the result of a reality check....his PD..and the age difference..but give him the confidence he might need in order to address the situation...tell him how you feel...take your courage in your hands...and if its meant to be...it will happen. Good Luck.

  • Annh, thank you for your kind comments. The reason why I hang around this site is quite simple - I wanted to hear the point of view from people suffering from PD. I made so many compromises, I helped him a lot, I always waited for him, I was being patient, I overlooked many things which I had never done before for anybody for the simple reason that he is so sick. And I believed that his inappropriate behaviour might be only the consequence of his disease, which I would be able to tolerate. And this is the mere purpuse I am here - to hear what people with PD think about it.

    And as far as I can see, the majority believes his behaviour has nothing to do with PD or side-effects of his drugs. I am pretty sure that he knows how much I love him. If this isn´t his disease, than it is his characer that clearly says to me "I don´t care about you" Do you really think I should find him and ask for the truth. As far as I know him I´ll never get it" since he was always so mysterious. If this isn´t his disease, then if I go and ask him, it will give him even more ego and at the same time it will take away that little bit of pride I still feel I have inside me.I had already tried to tell him how I feel before he disappeared and he said that I was trying to terrorize him. I simply don´t know what to do.

    And our last phone call: he said that I am the woman of his life and that he needs me so much and that he will never let me go ... and then no more calls and my ananswered call. I really ask you Ann, do I really need to know more than that? Can it be his PD on the work???

  • Josefina

    Did you ever spend the night at his home? I don't mean to be harsh, but it sounds like he might have only been interested in having an affair with you. If a man really loves you, he would move a mountain to come to you. I would forget about him if I were you.

    And, for what it is worth, his behavior does not sound like it has anything to do with Parkinson's. Not everything does.

    Tgrrrl

  • Tgrrrl,

    yes I did, but only at the beginning. He showed me all - his company, his house etc. Now I realize that he was trying only to make an impression. If I take a look on our relationship, I have even an impression that he wanted to make his families and especially his children jealous. He begged me to write a letter, postcard and e-mails to him, but gave me the address of his company, where (which I didn´t know) the main business assistence is his 25 year-old daughter. In Austria he took me to the excellent places but only where everbody knew him. It might sound stupid but I think it was even worse than affair .- he might have used me a tool for the revenge against his disobedient children. According to his statement, he has had so many problems with his children because they did not seem to obey him and his top priority is his company - he lives for it.

    Thank you for your valuable information. If his behaviour has nothing to do with his PD, then I will try to forget him ASAP. Thank you once again, and no you are not being harsh, you are being very nice to me. You know when a person is so deeply in love, he needs more than 100% of evidence, at the same time the people who are emotionally not involved, can see it much clearly for what it is. And I am not a person who doesn´t want to fache the truth, on the contrary only the truth will set me free. Thank you!!!

  • Tgrrl,

    I have already written to you but my answer disappeard. You are by no means harsh to me, on the contrary you are being very nice and helpful to me. I do want the truth, the truth liberates. It is so when a person is in love, he can´t see the things so clearly for what they are as the people who are not involved emotionally.

    Yes, in the beginning, yes I spent the night, he also showed me all of his property including his company, I guess with the intention to make an impression. My intuition tells me that it was even worse than affair. I realized pretty soon that he wants that everybody knows that we are together (which I thought were his serious intentions). But very soon I had an intuition that I was being used as a tool of revenge against his families and especially his disobedient children, who don´t want to follow his rules in a company and he sometimes seemed so desperate that he was seriously considered to sell his company to other people leaving his children penniless.Of course my intuition might be wrong, but it is clearer and clearer to me that this man is without a heart.

    And Tgrrl, what has confused me most was his PD - in a normal situation I wouldn´t tolerate this kind of behaviour - I never did before. That´s why your information is so precious to me. I wish you all the best. Hopefully there is a lot of better medication in the US as here in Europe and I´m sure you will manage to beat or at least surpress this PD. I´ll be thinking of you. Josefina

  • PS: No this man will never move MOUNTAINS for me, NEVER!!!!

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