I'm really struggling with a recent discovery, I did horse riding for years and have had some nasty falls, none of which did anyone think it a good idea to get me checked and I wasn't at an age where I was able to understand that I should do that. Now I have been told my back has spastic rigidity in the muscles, nerve damage all the way up my back parallel the spine that connects to my neck, sciatic nerve damage on the right, nerve damage in my right shoulder as well and displacement above the midsection of the spinal column. I am furious, and very very very sad.
I can feel the anger manifesting into depression and the medication makes me confused and disoriented to the point where I can't keep up with moderate conversation and I have to think pretty hard about simple conversation. I've seen the looks on the faces of people I care about when they genuinely lose interest in conversation because they don't understand me/I don't understand them or the answers I'm giving aren't complex enough, they see someone who isn't all there and therefore isn't worth communicating with at that time. It's so very hurtful because in reality I'm just very locked in and unable to function outwardly. I can't talk to them about this, I have tried with certain people and it made them feel so bad, I didn't want anyone to feel bad I just needed them to understand my state of mind to make communication easier and create steps/short cuts for communication while I'm unable to do so.
I'm so worried about the potential consequences of this injury. I can feel my right hip/where the femur joins becoming very painful and difficult to use, being on my haunches is painful in the left side of the pelvis. My back is in ribbons and codeine is the only thing that helps, I don't want to take something so addictive so I use it sparingly but I'm so scared I'll be put on more medication that will phase me out even more or just make it so I'm still like this and my life is still going to suffer as it has due to it as such. I'm 24 and while this means it's probably the best time to get serious operations and heal from them well, I'm also incredibly unable to deal with the thought of not being able to work due to medical issues and therefore becoming homeless, I can't rely on family and I couldn't ask my friends to support me through that with living expenses/looking after me and so on. I don't know what to think or do.
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OrthocerasMaximus
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Honestly I've just been told about this by my doctor, given medication until I can be taken in and seen by the relevant people in the health service, I haven't yet been scanned, nothing has been confirmed (part of the reason I'm worried is because nothing has been confirmed and the thing is I've been in pain before, this is something else) other than there is an injury that has been there for 9 years and has been exacerbated a few times due to trauma and neglect, seems to be that the muscle rigidity had kept everything tightly wrapped up and now that that has come to a point where it's a danger to the spinal column they've put me on these muscle relaxants, the pain I'm in while everything has been unravelling inside is phenomenal, basically constant in one form or another, whether it's nerve shocks ripping through my back/up my neck or constant pain where my ribcage connects to my spine, the hip issues travel all the way up the right side of my back etc.
The initial injury happened when I was bucked off a 16 1/2 hand horse, I somersaulted twice midair and landed with my legs outstretched and my back upright, I was not issued a back protector by my guardian/parent and therefore landed bold upright on wet sand having been propelled from a height of a large animal, my spine absorbed all the shock. I couldn't walk properly for two weeks but nothing was ever said about it or done about it. I've had issues with my nerves and my back ever since, I never knew to do anything until I was unable to be comfortable and saw the doctor recently.
At the moment it's very very early days. The doctor and I have talked about a lot of things, he's very reluctant to confirm or deny anything of course, and I completely understand that too. I'm doing a very good job of keeping a level head, though the anxiety is starting to get to me. The discomfort/displacement and the feelings of displacement are situated just above the midsection of my spine and that fact alone is disconcerting just due to where it is. Most of my issue is lack of information and not knowing what's going to happen, I'm not old enough or experienced enough to know what to do or how to even begin handling this situation. At the moment I'm doing a lot of yoga, going to the pool slot and doing lots of light exercise as much as I can handle as well as still working my nine-five job as best I can. Surgeries haven't been mentioned at all, I'm theorising the possibilities of serious side effects of where it is and what could happen to nothing gets dropped on me that I haven't at least thought about and accepted the potentialities. I probably should have mentioned I'm on the autistic spectrum (high functioning autism) and my way of dealing with this is to calmly, collectively and objectively look at all of the possibilities, mentally and emotionally prepare for all of them while hoping the the best and praying the worst are no where near me. I don't really have the support of my family, my sister doesn't care very much about my life (sad but true), my mother is not in a position to safely or objectively look out for me without an agenda involved, so no bingo there, and my dad lives in England, and as much as I know he would move hell and earth to help me, completely uprooting my life to be looked after would affect me so much as well I'm not sure if it would be in my best interests to move across the water for something like that (even if left no choice in the end).
I'm just in a state of confusion and trying not to go straight into denial at this moment.
Thank you, this is so new to me I'm feeling overwhelmed by the information presented to me every day. It's nice to have a place to go and talk to people who understand. I'm always hoping for the best case, and even then it could always be worse.
No problem..we are all in the same position. Chronic pain sucks. I've been in pain over a year due to a car knocking me down off my bicycle. Drivers fault as he didn't see me and told me he wasn't paying attention. I am very lucky to be alive but it suck being in pain. I'm still very angry at this driver over his care less driving.
That's horrific that someone could do that, if you are not going to pay attention and be careful while operating a death trap you should have your license taken and put under a ban to teach a lesson. What goes around comes around but that isn't much comfort when it hurts so much. I still have contact with the person who was responsible for me not being looked after properly and realistically is the cause of my pain now. I'm finding it very difficult to be around them but feel trapped by the relationship we had BP (before pain) and the realisations that came with it. I don't know how to forgive.
It is good to be confused. Referred pain does not make sense. It is going to take time to learn the things you need to learn.
Avoid counselling that could make your situation worse. You have been a horse rider. You know a jittery rider makes a jittery horse. The horse picks up the body movement. You know a calm rider makes a calm horse. Again the horse picks up the body movement. You know what is a calm horse and the way it moves and breathes. You need to copy the movements and breathing of the calm horse. This way despite the fact you have good reasons to be anxious about you will hopefully find the anxiety will not be any worse than need be.
As a horse rider you hopefully know about the subtle movements that you control the horse with. Think about the subtle movements and work subtlety back into your muscle behaviour. Slow and gentle and just perceptible. Think about breathing being at one with the horse and applying that back to being at one with yourself.
Not sure if you have understood what I am getting at. Though I am hopeful that you have.
Let me know if what i have suggested is workable. All one can do is investigate and see what happens.
I completely understand what you're getting at here mentally. I'm very strong mentally and emotionally, the physical strength lost being on the muscle relaxants is causing distress and anxiety because I feel like in a lot of ways my physical strength was all I had, I was capable of carrying and lifting, moving, reaching, helping g others. I need to be able to help others otherwise my own worth will become less to me, to myself being available to anticipate others needs and be able to look after myself and others is imperative. I think that's why it's getting to me so much. I'm so confused and lost. Thank you for your kind words and support
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