My story...

[kitjules]

I was In Africa last year having treatment for lymes when an examination showed I had Ovarian Cancer. I kept blaming my eating habits and stomach pain to be a symptom of lymes... lucky for me the Doctors had far more experience in that field and questioned my symptoms or I would be walking around today non the wiser that I had cancer.

I had one Ovary and Tube removed this year and currently undergoing six sessions of chemo. I am holding on to the hope that I will be able to have children and gain a lot of comfort for seeing success stories on here. Obviously I have to finish the chemo and see the results, but I have to have hope.

I feel lonely and vulnerable and tired of being strong to those around me. Everyone else seem so much stronger than I am. Seem to cope better than I do and I do feel such a failure. When I just want to scream and shout about how unfair it is.

But I know I am not alone. We are not alone x

[Hidden]

Dear Kitjules,

It IS unfair - scream and shout about it. You need to express these things and let yourself feel what you feel. Being strong for those around you is ok some of the time, but finding someone with whom you can express rather than repress your true feelings is important and will help you recover as it will strengthen your immune system.

Everyone else is NOT stronger than you -whatever they 'seem'.

You've had a long frightening journey which is not yet over. Look after yourself - and express!

Very best wishes,

Isadora.

[wendydee]

Hi Kitjules

Yes, it is unfair, and yes, you're OK to shout and scream on this site because we all know what it's like. I often think I'm feeling positive and healthy, but just a little twinge in the middle of the night and ooops! There I go again. It's 8 and a half years since my op and I'm still feeling like this. It touches us all in ways we'll never forget. Don't worry about feeling scared, go with the flow. Treat yourself kindly

Love, Wendy xx

[janbeegee]

Hi Kitjules

Chances are that you actually seem strong to everyone else and like others reading your story I say it's OK to scream, shout and rail against the unfairness of it all but don't do it to loved ones because their sense of hopelessness is great enough already. Ring any support line and tell them how you truly feel and use this Ovacome site for support. My husband was my rock for months through chemo and surgery but since it's in his nature to try to solve problems I could not add to his sense of futility. We were open about my condition and the future and I cried often with him but crucially I cried on my own too!

lots of hugs and good wishes Janbeegee

[parvinc]

hi Kitjules.

you are expressing exactly how we all have felt. oc is such a silent cancer that more than not most of us have had vague symptoms. my only symptom was low back ache and tiredness. being a mum of 3, working full time and being quite overwieght i didnt think of these being a symptom of a possible fatal disease. when i was diagnosed i was stage three and had 14 litres of fluid drained off. i wasnt treated for nearly 6 weeks and my family all thought that this was because my survival rate was poor. i felt anger for the first eight weeks but then realised that if i had a negative attitude this would not help my fight. i channelled alot of my fear, anger and dispair into my faith and positive thinking. i have cried a sea of tears in the last year and even now when i remember everything i cannot hold my tears back.

everyone says oh you are so strong and have coped well but i too feel that is not so. what i have learned from this experience is to love my self, to let go of negativity - it isnt worth worth it and to enjoy simple uncomplicated things.

you will get through the treatment and all that is put your way, but you will come out of it a better person. unfortunately fear is something that will never go away even after you get better but you will learn like the rest of us to deal with it.

this site is a godsend as we all understand each others situations perfectly and is an escape when you dont want to worry loved ones with your niggles.

look after yourself and indulge during treatment, laugh, cry and enjoy every moment. lots of positive thoughts, hugs and good wishes parvin x

[hereshoping]

Hi Kitjules, am fairly new to this site and it has helped heaps. Don't pretend. It catches up to you eventually. I thought I was fine, everyone around me said they couldn't get over how well I was coping with everything and I kept saying that it wouldn't change my diagnosis if I went into that dark place etc. etc. A big brave know it all. After I had 4 rounds then had my surgery and was home on the 6wk recovery it hit. I was reading a book that made me laugh and cry and when it made me cry I couldn't stop. I was home on my own sitting in the sun and I cried buckets. For the story, for me, for what I didn't know was ahead of me, for the ?? of whether I would see my grandson grow up, etc. etc. Did me the world of good. Haven't been back to that place since but when people ask me how I am, if I am worrying about anything or have had bad results, I am honest and say, I feel bad. I think as women we are more likely to cover things up and "be brave" for everyone else but this is my time and its a really scary thing we are going through with so many uncertainties so be brave and honest by screaming and crying and whatever else you feel like. Good luck. Chris.

[kitjules]

Thank you all for the lovely supporting comments, hugs to you all x

I agree, this site is wonderful and has really helped me feel normal.

I know I still have a long way to go and I know I wont always feel like this. I do have the odd good days when I feel positive, so hopfully they will increase as time passes! But in all honesty, I just dont feel like 'me' anymore, when all my dreams and plans for the future have been thrown out of the window! Perhaps that person is gone for ever now, and maybe this will make me a different person, hopfully a better one.

I guess its one step at a time, one day at a time....

Good luck to you all, I wish you all well

love jules x x