Hi all you amazing lovely ladies.
Not been here a while. Having a bit of a crap time at home and started chemo last week (third line)
I just want to say I’m always thinking of you all and love this site as everyone is so friendly and supportive.
Sending you all a massive hug. Keep strong lovely ladies. Xxxxxx
Praying for you!
Been wondering how you are Suzanne. You keep strong too, us ladies seem blessed with much resilience xxx
Hi Jessica.
We certainly are resilient. We just have to be. I’m having a terrible time at home. My relationship seems to be dead in the water. That, along with dealing with another recurrence just gets too much but somehow I keep going. I’m off to work now. I love work. Then chemo this afternoon.
I’ll be back at work tomorrow.
Feel a bit like that Dory fish in finding Nemo. Keep swimming, keep swimming. 🐟
Lots of love and hugs to you xxxxx
Aw Suzanne, I’m sorry you’re having a rubbish time, I had hoped your relationship had taken a turn for the better, I’m sad you’re having to deal with this on top of your latest treatment, you really don’t need the negativity.
There’s nothing I can say to make any of it better, I wish it was that easy but I can send you lots of love, remember we are all here to support you via the interweb, Good luck with the treatment, big hugs lovely lady❤️Xx Jane
Hi Susanne, First I'm sorry to read that you are having a hard time at home it hard enough with treatment to also have trouble in a relationship.
You know we are here I know it's only corresponding but we all need encouragement, support or some where we can just let of steam and here we understand.
All the best wishes for chemo and pop in more often take care Lorraine xx💙💙
Thank you Lorraine.
It’s just a really horrible time at the moment. Lucky I’ve got my work to take my mind off everything else.
All you ladies are so kind and lovely.
Sending hugs xxxxxx
Hi Suzanne
This really is such a shitty disease. It can take over your life in all sorts of ways. Just when you think you are just about living with it, it throws another spanner in the works. Glad that you love work and have that to hold onto. Counts for a lot.
Best of luck with the chemo
Fay
Aww thank you Faye. I think without my work I’d end up in a nut house or jail or worse. Lol.
Thank you for thinking of me.
I hope you are doing ok.
Big hugs xxxxx
I feel the same my work is my sanctury lol xxx
Oh Suzanne. What a sad post. Having to deal with a relationship that is as you say, "dead in the water", is rotten in itself but to cope with chemo too is testament to your fortitude and character. Has the cancer made your relationship bad or was it that way before and the cancer was the icing on the cake? If it's the former then perhaps chatting to a counsellor could help. Hubby and I have one each as it really does help to keep us strong together as we can put all our fears and woes onto someone who isn't affected by it all. If your relationship has been in the duldrums for a while then maybe it's time to think about cutting the ties. Counsellors can also help you to do that so that it's as easy as it can be. You need to be in a stable place with love and warmth around you, not dreading going home after work as you don't know what you are walking into. That will not help you at all.
I remember your partner lost his job and got very low. Maybe he's depressed - but men are not good at admitting that they are. Even my hubby went through a phase of intermittent depression where he would get angry and then go quiet (sulk) for a few days and the atmosphere was horrendous. I just ignored him as I don't do sulky adults. Had enough of the children doing that when they were small. Once he got his Cancer Support Counsellor he turned the corner and now when he feels the anger coming on he just tells it all to the counsellor and he's fine. The anger comes from not being able to make my cancer go away and he feels helpless. If he had to cope with being out of work too then I guess it would be doubly difficult. Thankfully we are retired.
Still, I'm no expert but I do know that you need a stable environment to deal with your third lot of chemo and it would be better that you got that at home. Imagine if you got sick on the chemo and couldn't work. Who would take care of you? We all need someone, even if it's just a neighbour.
I hope things improve. Please try to sit down and talk with your partner of if that causes arguments then both agree to write a letter to each other. It's amazing how much you each want (and need) to say to each other and each of you actually listen instead of jumping in and having your say as a retaliation. It's the only way. If you still love him then there's a chance. If you don't then you've got some tough decisions to make and I hope it works out for the best whatever you do. Much love and big hugs Kryssy xxxx
Hi Kryssy.
Your post makes so much sense. I was wondering whether him talking to a professional might help. He often says he has no friends to talk to.
I’m just sad that he doesn’t seem to think about me. I seem to bring him down and I’m not a miserable person. I just don’t know if I can make the effort anymore. It’s so difficult.
Perhaps we need time apart to see how we both feel.
Sending you lots of love Kryssy. Xxxxx
There are two types of people. Those that can cope with sadness, loss and stress and those that can't. Your partner is obviously the second type. His mechanism is to put up a barrier so that his emotions stay on one side of the barrier and your need for him stays on the other. He's losing everything at the moment. His job, his friends and his beloved Suzanne. The reason he comes across as angry and not caring is that if he showed how much he cared then he would fall apart because he can't make your cancer go away. By keeping up his barrier he hopes, subconciously, that you will end up hating him and he feels totally inadequate to cope with what's going on. He hasn't got the mechanism to deal with it all so he backs away. I wonder if he's said that you'll be better off without him. That's a common saying amongst those that feel helpless and wretched. Deep down I bet he's dying inside as he wants to show how much he loves you but he's scared as he knows he may lose you - just like he lost his job. It's a double edged sword. He wants to hold you and make everything better but he can't make everything better for you (just like my hubby can't) so he's racked with guilt, sadness and a feeling of loss and backing away keeps those feelings submerged. The point is though that he hasn't lost you. You are still here alive and breathing and you need him. Not as a prop, because at the moment he cannot cope with being supportive as he must sort out his deep feelings first, but as another human being - the closest one that you have - to hug you and just be there. No solutions. No miracles. Just be there to make you feel that you are not totally alone in this. There's no use him saying that everything will be ok, that he'll make it all go away etc etc. He can't and that's what's frustrating him and depressing him but he's too far down now to actually see it.
Before you (both) give up, please find a quiet time to ask him to write down everything he feels and that he wants to say to you and put it in a letter to you and you will do the same. One piece of advice I would give you when you write is that you do not accuse. i.e. You don't do this or You don't do that.... You are this or You are that. Just by rephrasing it can reap rewards. For instance, if you say that when he is distant or when he's angry, you feel as if you have done something wrong and it makes you feel ....... It's saying the same thing but in a gentler way and telling him that his actions have consequences and he has to take responsibility for that. Also don't drag up bad things from the past. It's fine to say that you remember when.... and make it a happy thing. Just keep it simple and tell him how you feel - but without the accusations - and tell him that you need him because ...... If you love him, say so.
In any relationship someone always has to be the catalyst and although I don't know either of you I can tell that you are the stronger of the two right now so if you are prepared to be the catalyst here then perhaps it will be for the good. I hope so. As I said before, if you don't love him enough to try then you have tough choices to make. To be honest, the fact that you have shared your thoughts with us tells me that you still have feelings for him. I doubt you would mention his name without some expletives or nasty remark otherwise - and you haven't done that.
I honestly think that writing things down is a start for you both. I think the discussion stage without an intermediatory is too risky at the moment. If the letter to each other is ok and you can talk about it calmly then you can each give the other 5 minutes (or not as many) to just say what you think, feel, want and need and the other one has to listen and then have their turn. Sometimes you'd be surprised what comes out. The silent one has to remain silent for the whole time the other is speaking, even if you think that they have their facts a bit wrong. And remember - no accusations. It gets nowhere.
End of lecture and I wish you all the very best in the world. Love and hugs xxxxx
Aww Kryssy what a brilliant post. You’ve got it spot on. He has said before that if he lets himself break down then he’d never get up again. I’ve spoken in a sort of jokey way about when I die (hopefully not for a long time) and he tells me off for speaking about death and says “ you’re here now, live your life”. like you say, he can’t acknowledge it. Can’t make it real. Doesn’t want it to be real.
I totally get what you say and it has made me see things more from his perspective. I do think he’s backing off from me but I can see why now. If he invests too much love in me then he loses more. I can see that. I think that’s what he’s subconsciously doing.
He came to chemo with me today but barely spoke to me and now he’s laying in the garden. I don’t mind him laying in the garden stall but thought he might sit with me.
I feel like I’m a single person sometimes. I feel more lonely being with him than if I was actually physically on my own.
I think the letter is s brilliant idea and will definately not add accusations to it as that will annoy him.
Thank you so much Kryssy for being a brilliant voice of reason. You’ve certainly helped me.
Sending you a big thank you hug xxxxx
Dearest Suzanne. First, thank you for your praise but even I get things wrong a lot of the time. I do have the knack of seeing things from both sides though and am quite intuitive - or so my friends say - so often can find a solution to their problems. I would say though that today when you got home from chemo and he was in the garden alone that you could have gone to him. Just sit beside him and not talk about the chemo or the cancer or anything else too heavy but just enjoy the sunshine together. No pressure on him to respond or say anything. Maybe just take his hand and press it to your cheek and give him a smile. If he freaks out and thinks you've gone weird then what's the worst that can happen? As I said. One has always to be the catalyst. Yes, I know you wanted to be hugged after chemo but he can't. It's too painful for him. There has to be moments when the cancer doesn't exist and chemo is nothing more than an inconvenience otherwise it will dominate your whole lives. I know it sort of does but don't let it take control. There are so many other wonderful things to share together. Hubby and I have had friends over for a BBQ today and we worked together this morning preparing some recipes from a book hubby bought on BBQ's. Now this is a man who can make brilliant porridge but nothing else. We had some fun this morning making kebabs and marinating chicken etc. whilst wondering why we were going to such trouble. Our friends have just gone - 11pm here - and were here for hours eating and drinking and being merry. The big C didn't come up in the conversation as it was banned today. Sometimes we have to leave it on the back burner and put more important things in front.
I'm not telling you off for not going to your partner today but credit where it is due. He went to chemo with you. For someone who supposedly doesn't care about you it's a strange thing to do. He's so right in saying that if he lets himself break down he'll never get up again. That's exactly how he feels so he's opening up to you without you realising it. Your job is to encourage him to break down but in a controlled way and let him know that he won't fall apart or not get up again as you are there to support him all the way. Men are wired up differently to us. They are the hunter/gatherers and their job is to protect their mate and when that breaks down it hits them hard. We are the nurterers and we don't feel that void until our children leave home or we don't have children for whatever reason. It's not true of everyone as everyone is different but generally that's how it works.
Your partner needs to find his role in your new life. His world has shifted, as has yours. It's not the time to talk about dying yet - even in a lighthearted manner. He cannot cope with that and it certainly isn't a joke to him. He hasn't been able to accept that you are ill yet. One thing at a time. You sound like a strong person but I wonder if you have ever told him that you are scared. To most people I come across as strong and independent but my hubby and children know the real me. To the outside world I'm coping really well and am positive and strong but in my real world I get scared sometimes and that's when I tell my hubby that I'm scared and the power shifts to him and he feels totally in control of something he can do rather than something he wants to do. He can make me feel less scared by hugs and love and I even let him tell me that everything will be ok - even if I think (know) that it won't. I don't take away his feeling of protectiveness as it is a positive feeling for him and he needs support as much as I do. Besides, having a big strong pair of arms around me when I'm feeling in the pits is the best feeling in the world. No words are necessary.
I am feeling more positive that you and your partner are going to get through this. It's going to take time, patience and a lot of give and take on each side. Don't let this bloody disease dominate your life. Today I received the date for my PET scan and it's the day I had planned to go out with a friend for the day. I phoned the hospital to try to get the scan the day before but couldn't so I lost it. I screamed at the top of my voice, "This fecking disease is ruining my life!!!". Then I thought, no. Don't let it take control. So, phoned my friend and rearranged. Job done. So you see, I even lose it now and then. No-one's perfect, but we try.
Now I must go to bed as I'm cream crackered and I've got to be up early as nursey is coming for blood tests.
This fecking disease..................................... blah blah blah. 
Big love xxxxx
Kryssy.
I will praise you as your replies are absolutely right. Each sentence I read I absolutely get what you’re saying . You make so much sense. You are right about when he was in the garden. I should have made a kind gesture towards him. I do need to work on that. I’m a very fiesty person and I do need to be a little more understanding and forgiving.
He had a gambling problem when he was unemployed, he played on the day trading. Making thousands but losing more. He was getting low (lower than usual) he kept it from me just how much he was losing. I did find out. A lot of people would have been very angry. I hugged it out of him. He broke down and said he was so sorry. I simply said - it was a mistake. We all make them. He shut down the account and has not been in it since. So I know I’m able to be forgiving. I’m going to try harder.
I do love him and he’s very good to me I’m so many ways. I just feel hurt and resentful that he seems bored when he’s with me but when with other people , he’s the life and soul.
I don’t mind mention cancer much. Only in a silly , my way of dealing with it, way. I go to work every day and am a very smiley positive person when I’m
There or out with friends. This is generally my nature.
I think he and I need to work really hard on us as I don’t want there not to be an ‘us’.
Bloody cancer hey.
I like the sound of you and your hubby doing the BBQ together. Being busy in anticipation of a great time with friends.
You are amazing Kryssy and I will give credit where plenty is due.
Thank you lovely lady. Xxxxxx
Morning. I'm up with the chickens waiting for the vampire nurse to get an armful of blood before Thursday's toxic heaven. Feel crap. Too much wine last night. Why do we do it? I'm not supposed to drink on caelyx but sometimes we have to stick two fingers up at the system and say "bugger it". Then pay the price the next day. I can't wait to crawl back into bed. Poor hubby has root canal work pending today. I think he's going to have to face it on his own as mamma ain't functioning at the moment. Poor sausage. I'll smoothie his dinner tonight for him. Bless.
I'm soooooooooo pleased that you admitted that you still love your partner, despite all of his hiccups. None of us are perfect - well, I may be close - and forgiving is a part of loving someone so long as another woman isn't involved. I draw the line at that - and murder. Having said that, hubby did put my cashmere snood in the washing machine and tumble drier once and it came out the size of a toilet roll tube and rock hard. It was over two years ago when I had my knee replacement and he was in charge of domestics. That was a hard one to forgive. It gets mentioned every winter when I'm cold around the neck, especially last year when I didn't have any hair. I just like to see him squirm a bit..... wicked lady.
Things will get better but it's going to take time and effort on both parts. Just taking that first step is the most difficult and then once you have overcome the fear that it's all going to kick off, you'll find the next step so much easier. As they say, feel the fear but do it anyway. Things often don't turn out as we expect and if there's something difficult to say we go through the conversation in our heads over and over and when we actually (wo)man up and say it, it doesn't always turn out as bad as we thought. It's rare, but sometimes I sit hubby down and tell him that something he's said or done has upset me or hurt me. Of course he never means to hurt me but his sense of humour sometimes goes beyond the boundary of good taste. He never gets angry as I don't accuse or moan but simply say how I felt about something he said or did in a quiet way. It doesn't happen often and we are happy 99.9% of the time, despite being together 24/7. It clears the air otherwise I would keep going over the incident in my head until the resentment builds up, then the anger and then the smallest thing triggers an argument. I don't do that. I'm too blunt and honest and it has to be dealt with toute suite. Best way. Resentment is a killer.
I'm here for you and you can pm me any time if you prefer not to lay your heart and soul out pubicly. Some things are best kept close to you.
Have a lovely day. We have clear blue skies and wall to wall sunshine. The birds are singing and the hubby is snoring somewhere up in the bedroom. I wish the nurse would hurry up as I'm gagging for a cuppa. No more alcohol for a me............ until the next time ay? Big love xxxx
Oh Kryssy. I love the way you write. You’re witty and clever. You should write for a living. You’re brilliant.
I can’t thank you enough for the help you’ve given me. You don’t realise how much help you’ve been.
Thank you.
Has hubby had his root canal? Ouch!! I’m supposed to have that but told them I’m on chemo so I delayed it (indefinitely) 😂
Your snood story cracked me up. I’m still chuckling. You are funny. You’re like a breath of fresh air in so many ways. You make me laugh and you make me think.
Thank you lovely lady.
Have a cheeky wine tonight. 👍🏻👍🏻
Big hugs xxxxx
No more wine for me. I'm super-gluing my mouth shut. I've been stumbling around like a zombie all day and can't seem to string a sentence together. I feel as I did after the last chemo - a massive headache, just like a stonking hangover. Oh yes!! I have a hangover - but it's worse than that. Hubby brought me some ice cream back from the dentist. He had his root canal drilled but only a bit of it. That's three times now he's been and they've said another two more sessions before they can put the crown on. They have drilled that much down through his tooth that one days they'll come out somewhere around his backside! Just one tooth has cost almost a grand. I could have had a little holiday for that. It would have been cheaper for me to bash him in the face with a cricket bat and knock the tooth out. Trouble is, my aim isn't that good these days.
Your comments are too kind. I like writing as I find that I'm sometimes inadequate with speaking and stumble over what I want to say. I hate speaking in public - which I have had to do many times in the past. I just crumble. Trouble with writing is that I never quite know when to stop and ramble on a bit. But, nuff said for now but I want to know how things go with you. Remember, softly softly catchy monkey. It means something a little different but I couldn't think of the other maxim that would fit the bill in this case. Dough brain.
Good luck girl. You can do it. xxxxxx
Aww. No wine? I had a glass. It didn’t go down easily. I’ve got a hernia and with the ascites, I’m struggling to eat and drink certain things, wine included.
Hope hubby is ok after his dental appointment. Bloody rip off they are. Mine causes me more pain and costs me more money. Don’t like them one little bit.
Things are ok here. I’m taking your advice. I’m being calm, holding my tongue. I’ve got to keep it up. I’ve spoken to Antony. Tried to explain my feelings without being accusing.
We’ve had a nice evening together. Watched a horror film. My favourite. Lol.
I hope you and your hubby are having a lovely evening and hope his tooth is ok.
Sending you lots of love xxxxx
Sent a p.m. xxx
Hi Suzanne, really feeling for you but so pleased you are able to work during chemo and you enjoy it. Kryssy's post is amazing and I hope it will help. I certainly think it's possible that your partner has depression and agree that your relationship needs all the nurturing you can get if you still love him. Good luck with everything xx
Hi
You are quite right. I try to help him but I think he needs extra help. I get moaned at.
Maybe time will tell. It’s quite sad really.
I hope you are doing ok. Hugs xxxx
Sorry to hear that Suzanne. Hope things are better at home now. We're here for you if you want to let rip. You take care, xxxx
Aww thank you Zena. Things aren’t great. I’m sort of getting by.
I hope you are doing ok. Big hugs Zena. Xxx
All well here thanks Suzanne. xxx
Hi Suzanne,
Sorry you are having a crappy time 😔 I hope the chemo is going OK.
Vicki xxx
Hi Vicki.
Thank you. I’m at chemo at the moment. It’s ok. I’ve just had my favourite sweets. Fruitgums. I often have fruitgums at chemo. Lol.
Big hugs Vicki xxxx
Right back attcha, Suzanne 😘 Enjoy those fruitgums! I’m at the hospital waiting for scans to determine my 3rd line fate, or a bit longer on watch and wait... xxx
Aww thinking of you Vicki. Hopefully you can delay third line for a while yet.
I’ll keep my fingers crossed. Sending you a big hug xxxxx
Awww Suzanne, I really cant add anything that Kryssy hasnt said. Im so sad for you to having to cope with all this. Sending you a massive hug xx Kathy xx
Thank you. It’ll sort itself out one way or the other. Just such a difficult time for everyone. Xxx
Hi Suzanne I am on 3rdine at mo! Taxol weekly and tolerating it well. Huge hugs and so sorry home is not great for you 😥
Lots of love and hugs
Maxine xxxx
Hi Maxine.
Snap! Same as me. Third line. Weekly taxol. How many are you having.? I’m having 12
I’m ok on it. It doesn’t affect me (yet)
Big hugs to you xxx
Hi Suzanne I am having 18. Weekly for 3 weeks then a week break then off again for 6 rounds. I will be having no 6 tom 😐 only 12 to go lol xx
Big hugs back to you xxx the hair is very thin now 😥😥
Aww. It’s horrible losing your hair. I e lost mine three times in 2 years. This will be the fourth. I miss my hair. I might be having 18. I’m only down for 12 at the moment.
I hope you are ok. Keep strong xxxx hugs xxxx
It is horrible and it's to warm for a wig 😎 at the moment. I am ok and I hope you are too. It's amazing how strong we are xxx
Bits hugs xxx
Hi Suzanne. Really sorry to hear all you’re having to deal with at the moment. Wonderful advice from Kryssy, what a wise lady and so articulate. I guess many of us will have gained much needed insight from her words. I started third line yesterday, taxol and cisplatin so we seem to be quite a big gang of third line girls at the moment. Sending love and hugs and all the very best wishes for you and your partner. Jo 🌸🌼🌺🌻🌹
Ahhh thank you Jo.
Yes Kryssy is wonderful. She has a great insight. Such sensible words she writes. She helped me so much.
Yes we do seem to be a group of third liners.
I hope you are doing ok on the chemo. I’m just having taxol. Twelve lots. Weekly.
Sending you a big hug xxxx
Suzanne--I always look for your posts to see how you are getting on. So sorry to read its more than just the chemo but WOW I felt like I had a therapy session reading what you a Kryssy were writing back and forth. Agree agree! You and I had spoken about encouraging your partner to do some volunteering too--something he would love--perhaps an animal shelter? Food bank? Something where he could connect to other volunteers and maybe have friends there he could talk to or minimally, connect with outside the home, giving him more of himself to you when he returns. Not every day of course, but something all his, so he's not just dealing with his moods at home (or you get a break!) and with your illness if he feels like a failure (which it sounds like might be part of his silence). But I will stop here because Kryssy's post was brilliant and I know you will try these things. You writing the letter will be cathartic for you as well so don't forget doing your part to explain your feelings through all this too. I am so glad you have your job to go to as well. And then you have us to come to. With love, Judy
Hi Judy.
Ahh thank you for your reply. You too speak wise words. 👍🏻👍🏻
My partner does have a job now so he’s happier in that respect. We do have other issues. Both of us. I’m trying hard to be a better person.
How are you doing? Are you ok?
I love this site. I find all the ladies here very caring and genuine.
Big hugs xxxx
I am OK. Really don't know if I am OK but I feel good and last ca125 was 6. I have my first scan after starting the PARP on July 2nd--started the PARP April 24th--so that will be the most telltale. I am trying to wait to get nervous till the day before!! I hope you can get on a PARP after this treatment--has that been discussed?
Bug hugs back to you! oxox
Judy
You’re doing great and will continue to do so. 👍🏻👍🏻 This disease certainly keeps us on our toes.
I’m hoping to get a PARP. niraparib was discussed. Fingers crossed.
I understand your scanxiety. It’s horrible isn’t it. You can’t help but worry.
I’m thinking of you. Big big hugs xxxx
Hiya so sorry you having a rough time and hope with the thread I've seen things get easier at home for you.
I'm in awe that you are still working with weekly chemo, I have just finished week 4 and I'm shattered I worked through all my other chemo regimes but not managed this time, took my onc advice and have took some time out. It could be the addition of the trial drug who knows..
Keep in touch.
Much love & hugs xx
Hi
Ahh thank you. I think work helps me. I’m off for 9 weeks next week as I work in a college so I’ll have the majority of my chemos then. That’ll be good as I can rest a bit. I do feel ok on taxol. I worked through it last time.
I hope you are doing ok.
Thinking of you.
Hugs xxxx
I'm doing okay, just the fatigue but working on that 😀 Xx
Sad news
