Relationship

[Djohnston1971]

I was diagnosed with seropositive ra 4 years ago. It's been a tough 4 years jumping from dmard to biologic to biologic. I now feel stable with regards to ra but my relationship with my husband has changed so much. I feel angry towards him for not being supportive, he is a GP. I feel selfish that all I want to do is look after myself, both physically and emotionally. Is this normal? Any advise will be welcomed.

[Deeb1764]

I have sent you a chat message re my experience as all so different x

[Madmusiclover]

Oh I’m sorry to read this. Might I suggest you phone the NRAS helpline? They will know how to help. Chronic disease is a bugger and no mistake.

[wilbertjellyfish]

Does he realize? Might sound stupid butWhen I was first married my father in law lived with my husband and our first child. He required some care from us and had carers also. I wanted my brother in law to take him one Sunday in three and on Friday nights, to. Allow my husband and I some together. It was never guaranteed this would happen and at times they took him for less than two hours. I got to a stage of not wanting to be in my own home. Eventually I was planning to leave and only then did my husband even realize there was a problem.

I was amazed that he did not see what was so obvious to me. He did not recognize that we never had time to ourselves, he did realise I was so uncomfortable in my own home nothing. He had never appreciated how important it was to me that his brother would take him away for a awhile.

It really helped me to be less angry at him knowing he just hadn't been aware and then I was able to push for changes.

Eventually he went to a home for respite, my brother in law couldn't cope with the guilt and took him to their house then moved him into his own house before he went to a nursing home full time. He lived 10 years after he left our house...a lot longer than if he'd have stayed.

[KittyJ in reply to wilbertjellyfish]

This is a very good point and I have found the same to be true too here. I think sometimes we are so good at trying to remain independent that we don’t realise that others may not see how we are struggling. It is hard but to sit down and talk about what’s going on really helped and was an eye opener on both sides.

[janmary]

As a doctors wife (and friend of many doctors wives) myself I know exactly what you mean ! Doctors partners are not supposed to be ill - thats what patients are for!

I’m not sure I have any specific advice, except to say you’re not alone - try to seek support elsewhere NRAS helpline, or locally, is there a friend or another GP or practice nurse in his surgery who could understand and ‘have a word?’

Hopefully your treatment path will be more settled soon

[oldtimer2]

This is his protection against emotional overload that develops during training and is a defence mechanism for people who are exposed to draining emotional onslaught on a daily basis. I know I have it too and it makes me appear remote and uncaring - and I compensate for that when it's not necessary that I shut off. My children (adults now) have learnt to ask for hugs not analysis when they need them!

I'm sorry that he can't see that this puts your relationship at one remove from him. Does he have anyone else close to him that can explain to him how awful it makes you feel?