How do they cope

[Nuttyshirlz]

Hi I just want to no how your other half’s cope with your illness. The reason I ask is my fiancé of 4 years just told me last night. He can’t cope with my illness anymore. And broke up with me. I have feeling he’s met someone else but he claims not but then he won’t admit it even if he has. So how do other ppl do it x

[sylvi]

I hate to say this, but the dr told my hubby stress was giving him the palpartations he is suffering from due to my health and his hernia he waiting on having since the beginning of the year. He loves me and he does what he does out of love. He is of the school of thought that marriage is for life and it is in sickness and in health. We have been through the wringer over the 36yrs we have been married with health issues to both of us and we stick together and help each other.

Your boyfriend is a jerk if he is prepared to let a beauty such as you slip through his fingers then my darling your better of without him.xxx

[Nuttyshirlz in reply to sylvi]

Yes I was bought up same way. Has they say a puppy is for life not just for Christmas

[FRreedman]

I have been married for just over 40 years now, and my wife was with me for about 3 years before that. I have been ill for 52 years, but she has good judgement and knows a star when she sees one, that's why she chose me and has stuck with me, but seriously, if he was the one, he wouldn't even want to look anywhere else, however if he can't cope with the illness then he obviously is not for you. You must realise that it is not your fault, nor the fault of your illness that he can't cope, because he has managed quite well for 4 years. I wouldn't waste too much time and energy over him, remain on friendly terms, if you can, but don't lose any sleep over him, there are plenty more fish in the sea, and I am sure you will land one without too much trouble.

[Nuttyshirlz in reply to FRreedman]

Yes he did say it’s a lot to do with my illness. But i won’t be losing anything over him. He did say he wants to be friends but it’s early days. Glad you got a good one. But think I’ll stick to being single x

[JFlay]

Aww 😥 really sorry to hear this. Sending a hug 🤗

[Nuttyshirlz in reply to JFlay]

Thanks having this illness is great

[Thirtynine39 in reply to Nuttyshirlz]

As Cher said. Men are like deserts. Nice to have occasionally but not essential.

[Nuttyshirlz in reply to Thirtynine39]

Yes since I wrote that post. I just don’t bother with men anymore covid came and made me realise what was more important lol me and my family

[Lolabridge]

So sorry to hear this. Your fiancé is a flake and I think you’re better off without him. Can’t think why you would want to remain friends after him walking out on you, whatever the real reason!

Suggest you spoil yourself and surround yourself with your good friends and move on when you feel ready.

[Nuttyshirlz]

I’ve a gut feeling he’s found someone else plus his behaviour as changed. I think he’s using my arthritis etc has an excuse to get out. Think everyone that breaks up stay stay friends 🙂

[AgedCrone in reply to Nuttyshirlz]

Go forward & lead a good life NS.......that IS possible with RA.......maybe your true destiny is just around the corner ?

[Dobcross1]

So sorry to read this. But I think you already know the reason why he's done what he has... and it's not your arthritis! As someone else commented he's coped for 4 years... It's easy for me to say but harder to do - but please don't let this derail your life or wreck your confidence. You deserve so much more than you'd ever get from him. In time you will realise he's done you a favour, making way for someone who will really love and appreciate you (and I speak from experience!). Sending you best wishes and hugs.

[Nuttyshirlz in reply to Dobcross1]

Yes but right now I’m thinking single life is is all I need. Maybe in time I’ll feel different but At moment I need me time and refind myself and get myself motivated to move 🙂

[Mmrr]

I'm sorry to hear this, break ups are sad, but I think you have had a lucky escape from him. He is not the one for you. I don't know if you lived together or not ?

I don't live with my long term partner of 20 years, we have always kept our own homes, even when I was well. But he is my rock, we do lots together and see each other 2/3 times a week, holiday together and are involved with each others families. I think being together / apart works and keeps the relationship fresh and gives each other space.

[Nuttyshirlz in reply to Mmrr]

No we did the same as you saw each other a few times a week and did holidays and family thing. We both had being in long term before so that’s why chose not to live together plus like own space too

[Hessie5]

Love your attitude - I have many friends this has happened too, if it wasn't now it would be down the line. Yes hard at first but know time can be somewhat of a healer, it also enables you to reflect.

Other halves such as these have issues themselves as well as a self centred attitude of me me me, they really can be more of a liability to you.

My friends today are exceedingly happy and in control, loving their independence. They are out meeting friends, hobbies the lot. They look and feel great too. They only wished they got rid of the numpties earlier 😁

Whilst I am not saying you may have a change in heart and rekindle, just be surrounded by those that elevate, and weed out those who feel toxic. That is one thing RA has helped me with as I found toxic people fed my pain, the eliminating process worked wonderfully.

Stay strong - sending you strength during this time. 😌 Hugs, Hessie x

[Nuttyshirlz in reply to Hessie5]

Yes but right now I’ve cry the tears while listening to Lewis capaldi his songs seem to feel how I’m feeling

[Hessie5 in reply to Nuttyshirlz]

Totally understandable, this is not easy, supported friends who struggled endlessly. Just know you shall heal, it’s just a moment in life, never a lifetime of pain.

[PinkLamb]

Hi shirlz,

What an absolute waste of space to do that to you!!!! As everyone else has said, you are for sure better of without him, and in time when you feel ready, there is someone out there for you, who will truly love you for you,

Treat yourself to something nice, and wash that loser out of your hair!!

Hugs to you

I wish you all the very best

X

[Sumdy]

So sorry Nuttyshirlz. I'm sure it wont feel like it just now but I think you may have had a lucky escape. Better to see his true colours now than later. Although years earlier would have been much better. My GP told me the stress caused to me by my OH probably triggered my RA! Life! 😣 To be fair though he has his own health issues and as the saying goes....in sickness and in health and all that. Hope you are able to move on quickly. Thinking of you x

[Hidden]

I didn't have RA when my hub and me married, but my diagnosis came 5 years afterwards. He is still with me and now (aged 72) has OA himself, but he isn't any more tolerant of my condition and its 'pals' (Sjogren's, Vasculitis, OP) I also now have OA on top of these, with Bronchiectasis, high BP, and Breast Cancer (in remission). He is my carer, but it's hard for him to look after me when I can't look after him. It's all very one sided I'm afraid.

[Hidden]

What a looser. God forbid he gets ill I wonder how he would feel when they buggered off. I believe in karma.

Not all people are like that my husband said he knows it’s not me it’s the disease I was always so adventurous but now getting up the stairs is an adventure. 😁

There’s someone out there for you better to know now that he is weak rather than after you married.

[Gigi71]

My ex husband left me after 23 years of marriage because he couldn’t cope with my illness, this was 1 year in. He did have someone else, I went on to find out. He thought the grass was ‘greener’ it was devastating at the time. With two teenage sons, I had to sort my life out, with being extremely ill. Not only my family and friends were disgusted with him, but his own family too. He thought they would all sympathize with him, such was his ego. He wanted to come back after a year, too late, all trust had gone. When the house was sold, I had taken on a new career, office based and a mortgage, life wasn’t easy, but I have no regrets. I have a partner of 23 years and we both have our own homes. Apart from this damm disease, I have a very supportive family, wonderful grandchildren and good friends. You will feel sad for the time you have invested in him, but with time you will be much better off. Hugs G x

[Pippy25]

Be surrounded by those who really care about you, as they are the one who will 'stand out in the rain and hold that umbrella' for you and weather the rainy days with you, while those who are there for the short term will simply 'run for their own cover'. Trust me I know. Take care

[oldtimer]

It isn't easy. I know that I get short-tempered when I'm in pain and fatigued. It makes me a lot less tolerant of other people! I have sometimes needed pushing around in a wheelchair, and the chair taken apart to get it in the car, have had to driven to places sometimes too. And I can't walk in the mountains with him as I did when we met.

But my partner gets quite a bit of support from me too - I look after the money and he never managed his money before, or finds now that he has so much more than he had before! I manage all the things like contacting the electrician (like today to come and mend a broken switch), anything that needs a computer, or a phone call or form filling. The shopping is organised, the cooking in my adapted kitchen is simple but manageable most of the time.

It is give and take. Sometimes more take, but I do remember to thank him for what he does and not just take it for granted!

Having a long term illness AND having a relationship are not incompatible.

[Hidden]

We have been married for almost 35 years and my husband now has to do almost everything for me. He does all the housework and cooking and he even has to dress and undress me and help me to have a bath. He gets very wound up at times and raises his voice and upsets me but I tolerate it as I think that in his place I would probably be the same. There are times though when I can't understand why he is like he is. I fell over a few months ago and he shouted at me and told me I was clumsy and then walked off leaving me sitting on the floor and not able to get up on my own. He came back twenty minutes later and helped me up but I felt that was not a very nice thing to do. However, at other times he is wonderful and he takes me out for the day and pushes me about in my wheelchair for miles. I have become used to the fact that he is quite moody.

However, I think that you have been very badly treated and when you really think about it, it is better that this has happened before you got married. You will be upset, of course you will so let yourself cry when you want to. But this will pass and you will be happy again. xxx

[Chester02]

Oh wow what a jerk! I was diagnosed with RA at 17. At 19 I met my husband to be when I was 19. After a few weeks when things were getting serious I told him all about it. I gave him the option to stay or leave before things got even more serious but he immediately said he wanted to be with me and everything that comes with it. That was 36 years ago, married for 34 yrs and he’s been my absolute rock . I could not have gone through all my joint replacements and I’ll health without him. You are so better off without him as you deserve happiness with the right person. Hugs 😘

[Lucky4]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I got married after I was diagnosed; we dated through the illness and I have had several surgeries and health set-backs since. However, my husband is very nurturing by nature. He did take a few years to get used to the idea he was the one for me but it wasn't due to the illness. I think the right person is the right person and won't be put off by the limitations. We just make it work; some stuff we do together, others he does on his own so he can have a satisfying life doing what he likes to do (e.g. sailing).

Maybe your guy will rethink this and maybe he just knows he can't be there for someone with an illness. However, a good marriage is one where someone doesn't bail but truly is there in sickness and in health because they want to, not because they have to.

Wishing you all the best. You're getting some really great replies.

[hatshepsut]

So sorry.....but I think k you have had a lucky escape. He's not worth your tears, but I know that's easy to say. Please don't turn your back on further relationships, you never know what's round the corner. Meantime take care x