I now have enough days under my belt for me to realise that I no longer fit into the category of a smoker, which I obviously used to be. I am a non- smoker. It feels right, new, weird and normal all at the same time - but it also feels like a relief.
I have just got back from a surreal and devastating 3 weeks of commuting to and from my friend's whose husband's funeral was on Friday. Now I've stopped being responsible for all the practical arrangements, the grief and exhaustion has truly hit like a merciless juggernaut but the last thing I want to do now is smoke to change the feelings. I've been surrounded by chain smokers and yesterday, I nearly hit what I call the ('scuse the language) Eff-It button - you know, that one where you finally just cannot take anymore of anything.
But I'm so glad I didn't. And I have no idea how or why I didn't. I think part of it was because I know I have the forum - or the choice, anyway, to use it. It's like a safety backdrop for me. And I know that if I had capitulated, that I still would be welcome back with open arms to get straight back on the horse with no judgement or retribution.
So thanks guys. Normally I would be reading everyone's posts and encouraging the freshly started but I feel like all the stuffing has been knocked out of me so I may well lie low for a while (apart from the Linked Word game which is a welcome distraction).
Smoking does not help or cure anything and more importantly, we definitely don't need it in even the worst of situations - that's the truth!