Im happy to be here dont get me wrong, but i feel thoughtful today about it all. I am a little disapointed i needed to use my quick mist spray again today as i did go 6 days nicotine free until yesterday (but was crying 24/7 lol so im doing that anymore) but i think well, its NOT a failure! it was a choice. One that was right for me at the time. Tbh if i do need to take a cheeky spray now and then when the road gets tough i dont see the harm in that. I promised myself i wouldnt abuse it because i dont want to get in routine of using something as a crutch. I have agreed with myself it is for those *destination fag counter* moments. I feel it gives me the breathing space to get my logical head back and realise i am doing a good thing here, and i DONT want to go back to where i was. NEVER.
I also feel at time i become unsure. I dont know why, I guess its that side of me who *was* that wild child. I smoked weed when i was 12 (before cigs) and i drank weekly from when i was 13, and i dabbled as well lets say. i quit the pot when i was 16 and any other stupid things, and i quit binge drinking about 2 years ago. I now eat right, exercise and am starting uni to get a decent career going. Ive grown up! but the fags is that last thread of me, Nic the kid lol and i dont know at time how i feel about that?
I was shopping today (another new habbit) and for some reason i just spotted old people out of the crowd and i kept thinking 'were they once smokers? are they still smokers? would they be alive now if they were smokers? My gran is 94, never drank or smoked in her life! looks as pink as they come bless her, very healthy for 94. She wouldnt be here now if she was a smoker. My dad was a smoker, died at 53. heart attack. I believe he would be here now if he was a non smoker. my mum smokes. shes 57 now. my uncle does. 64.
The fact my skin is always dull normally, and my hair and now within a week it has come to life tells me my circulation is proberly my smokers weak spot....could i have the same internal makeup of my dad? I feel like he is the one telling me to quit. honest i have had signs REAL signs from above, which is another story
I still keep crying, but it feels more like grieving tbh. sometimes its a sad cry and sometimes its a smile and cry lol
anyways long post again sorry, i like writing here (safe place :))
Ps: anyone struggling at times, just look at this link. If it can be them, it can be us -
peace out xxx