Day 8 - I dont know how i feel?

Im happy to be here dont get me wrong, but i feel thoughtful today about it all. I am a little disapointed i needed to use my quick mist spray again today as i did go 6 days nicotine free until yesterday (but was crying 24/7 lol so im doing that anymore) but i think well, its NOT a failure! it was a choice. One that was right for me at the time. Tbh if i do need to take a cheeky spray now and then when the road gets tough i dont see the harm in that. I promised myself i wouldnt abuse it because i dont want to get in routine of using something as a crutch. I have agreed with myself it is for those *destination fag counter* moments. I feel it gives me the breathing space to get my logical head back and realise i am doing a good thing here, and i DONT want to go back to where i was. NEVER.

I also feel at time i become unsure. I dont know why, I guess its that side of me who *was* that wild child. I smoked weed when i was 12 (before cigs) and i drank weekly from when i was 13, and i dabbled as well lets say. i quit the pot when i was 16 and any other stupid things, and i quit binge drinking about 2 years ago. I now eat right, exercise and am starting uni to get a decent career going. Ive grown up! but the fags is that last thread of me, Nic the kid lol and i dont know at time how i feel about that?

I was shopping today (another new habbit) and for some reason i just spotted old people out of the crowd and i kept thinking 'were they once smokers? are they still smokers? would they be alive now if they were smokers? My gran is 94, never drank or smoked in her life! looks as pink as they come bless her, very healthy for 94. She wouldnt be here now if she was a smoker. My dad was a smoker, died at 53. heart attack. I believe he would be here now if he was a non smoker. my mum smokes. shes 57 now. my uncle does. 64.

The fact my skin is always dull normally, and my hair and now within a week it has come to life tells me my circulation is proberly my smokers weak spot....could i have the same internal makeup of my dad? I feel like he is the one telling me to quit. honest i have had signs REAL signs from above, which is another story ;)

I still keep crying, but it feels more like grieving tbh. sometimes its a sad cry and sometimes its a smile and cry lol

anyways long post again sorry, i like writing here (safe place :))

Ps: anyone struggling at times, just look at this link. If it can be them, it can be us -

peace out xxx

3 Replies

  • Nikki,

    What Max posted is spot-on. One of the hardest aspects of addiction is that, when you're in the middle of it, it becomes impossible to see it for what it really is. Far from being your best friend, it is your worst enemy. Put a decent distance between yourself and your addiction - two or three months. Only then will you be able to look back on it for what it really is. Once you've put that time in, and feel truly free, you won't be looking back with an ounce of fondness, but with absolute horror:eek:

  • I can identify what you mean re: grieving from when I quit before...I didn't grieve myself because I was too worried thinking I had a serious illness as I had no idea that we would suffer physical withdrawals :eek: but I did notice that it was as though I had lost a part of my identity and started to begrudge that a little....when I started smoking again I felt like I got a part of 'me' back, but it wasn't long before I started to regret it once I realised this 'part of me' thing I had regained was actually something that controlled me, rather than me control it! I knew I wasn't as physically fit than when I had stopped before, felt groggy and could just feel the nicotine in my body but I was already hooked again!

    We're bound to have a desire at times to smoke because its the pleasure side of things that we remember rather than the crappy stuff, especially if we're going through a tough time, but we just have to remember we got to the place where we knew we didn't want this anymore and desired more how we would be without it! Don't beat yourself up for having a spray...heck, at least you didn't light up! As you say, get back into the positive reasons why you quit and stand firm and deny those feelings when they rear their ugly head....for someone who sounds like you have an addictive personality....YOU HAVE DONE AMAZING!! Stick to it! ;)

  • i am 100% sticking with it. Im looking at it as more of a journey this time. Everyday is 'i will not smoke today' and what ever it takes to get through that day without smoking, by god i will do it because having a fag only leads to one thing. relapse. I am now happy at bed time i did not smoke today :D

    I went out for dinner with friends earlier. after dinner they went for their fag. i stayed at the table. i had a moment of oh god craving time. I said to them 'looking at me now, craving a fag, would you rather be me or you going for one'? and they said...rather be you n didnt have to do it. quite liberating.

    As for the grieving, I am starting to see it as a very positive sign actually, you wouldnt grieve something unless you were sure it was gone for good. I never grieved it before funnily what does that say?

    I love this site! couldnt of come to this point without all the help so thanks so much!! xxx

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