This could be a bit boring, and a post more for myself then for others....but I need to get off my chest!
Ok, so, if you've read my posts earlier, you'll know Ive caved in.......and feel bad to high heaven.
Today, I have craved for the first time......it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I succumbed........
Last night I got talking to someone about my mum. It was a brief conversation, but it must've stuck because my mum was in my dreams!
She suffered with Emphysema (sp), for over 15 years from when she was in her early 50's. She was a hard person to look after, and very demanding, but very loved......albeit that she must not have felt it.
She died August 2011. She had been fine that day.......previously in and out of hospital, for months at a time. Was on Oxygen, and bed bound for years. She never tried to help herself though, which made it very difficult to help her. I was with her hours before she died. She 'seemed' fine. Post mortem said she had died from Bronchial Pneumonia, we accepted that, even though, at the time, she hadn't seemed unwell. After years of looking after her, I could normally tell when she was unwell.
7 months ago, I found out, she had actually commited suicide. It appears she had stopped taking her regular medication....knowing what the results would be. She had written a suicide note, that had been kept from me and my family.
Sorry to waffle, but wanted to explain the situation.....its a situation that only myself and my sister know, as we have decided not to tell my dad and brother (another long story!).
Today, for the first time ever, she was in my dream. We were on holiday, and she was making us all a healthy salad for lunch.......(was a long dram, so won't go into it all!), but when I woke up, all I kept thinking, was OMG, my mum will never go on holiday again.............weird I know!
So for the rest of the day, its been constantly on my mind...............
I'll shut up now, Im sure this isn't a forum for this sort of chat, but I felt the need to put it somewhere....and I didn't think it was appropriate for my facebook status!!!
Thanks for reading!