A need to speak!

This could be a bit boring, and a post more for myself then for others....but I need to get off my chest!

Ok, so, if you've read my posts earlier, you'll know Ive caved in.......and feel bad to high heaven.

Today, I have craved for the first time......it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I succumbed........

Last night I got talking to someone about my mum. It was a brief conversation, but it must've stuck because my mum was in my dreams!

She suffered with Emphysema (sp), for over 15 years from when she was in her early 50's. She was a hard person to look after, and very demanding, but very loved......albeit that she must not have felt it.

She died August 2011. She had been fine that day.......previously in and out of hospital, for months at a time. Was on Oxygen, and bed bound for years. She never tried to help herself though, which made it very difficult to help her. I was with her hours before she died. She 'seemed' fine. Post mortem said she had died from Bronchial Pneumonia, we accepted that, even though, at the time, she hadn't seemed unwell. After years of looking after her, I could normally tell when she was unwell.

7 months ago, I found out, she had actually commited suicide. It appears she had stopped taking her regular medication....knowing what the results would be. She had written a suicide note, that had been kept from me and my family.

Sorry to waffle, but wanted to explain the situation.....its a situation that only myself and my sister know, as we have decided not to tell my dad and brother (another long story!).

Today, for the first time ever, she was in my dream. We were on holiday, and she was making us all a healthy salad for lunch.......(was a long dram, so won't go into it all!), but when I woke up, all I kept thinking, was OMG, my mum will never go on holiday again.............weird I know!

So for the rest of the day, its been constantly on my mind...............

I'll shut up now, Im sure this isn't a forum for this sort of chat, but I felt the need to put it somewhere....and I didn't think it was appropriate for my facebook status!!!

Thanks for reading!

11 Replies

  • ISHA, thank you for telling. That's a real heartache and appreciated. while its never easy to bare your soul in public, your humility and your reasons for doing so will not be questioned.

    For trying, for showing guts and determination, and for being honest, thanks lovely. Phew. You are genuinely exceptional, You're a wonderful person. Credit to you, love you loads and hope to see you soon.


  • Isha... just caught up with your earlier thread and with this.

    You didn't know why you were suddenly craving today, but I think you've just answered your own question. It was because of your vivid dream and all the unhappiness and stress and repressed information that's been weighing you down. You dreamed it, it opened some doors in your mind, and the addiction came storming in.

    In a perfect world you'd have been able to sort out your craving from your emotions and been rational about how a cigarette wouldn't help anything. But none of us are perfect, and the world certainly isn't. In reality the whole thing became a big jumble and overwhelmed you. Don't beat yourself up about it. People have caved for a lot less than that, myself included!

    But now the crisis is past and you've had your cigarette and also some time to reflect... I hope you will be able to put this behind you and get back on that wagon, for all the reasons you've talked about before. You've been doing so fantastically well, and I really do have faith you can keep going with this.

    I'm so sorry - my heart goes out to you - for everything you've been through with your mum, it must have been absolutely horrible for you. Keep talking about it to people you trust, you need support to work through this stuff, to come to terms with all that pain and find peace again.

    Hope you stick around here and keep posting. We'll get you back on the path!


    Helen x

  • Thank you Hawkeye. xxx

  • Thank you Helles.....

    Just been an odd day all round really... x

  • Isha, my thoughts are with you, when your ready to re start your Quit we will all be here to help you.xxxxxxxxxx

  • ermmmm...not sure what to say...but have you actually smoked...or just thought about it?? trying not to sound unsympathetic but its not clear....

  • Thank you Helles.....

    Just been an odd day all round really... x

    Hi Isha

    Odd maybe doesn't do it justice.

    With a trigger like that I don't think I would have managed to get through the morning let alone the day!

    Thinking of you,

    Take care



  • Just been an odd day all round really... x

    It must have taken a lot of guts to write your original post and I really hope that sharing it has helped you.

    I think the quote above says it all - treat it as an odd day - you feel bad enough already, don't make yourself feel any worse :D

    Tomorrow is a whole new day - it doesn't have to be the same as today and you know that you don't need to smoke anymore and you've done so well over the last few weeks.

    You may have slipped and fallen on your arse but we're all here to help you up again :D

  • I'll shut up now, Im sure this isn't a forum for this sort of chat, but I felt the need to put it somewhere....and I didn't think it was appropriate for my facebook status!!!

    Thanks for reading!

    ISHA I'm sure this IS the forum for this sort of chat. We all need support, often in different ways. We are all to help each other. Sometimes just writing how you feel make a tremendous difference..

    Keep posting, keep trying, you can get through this and when you do you will be so pleased with yourself and we will all be so happy for you.

    Never give up giving up because one day you will succeed


  • Isha, like other people said this is exactly the place to say things like you did - and it must have been hard for you to write as well.

    You've had a really horrible day, and am sure every one of us have caved in at some point - wouldn't be here now if I hadn't - but (cliche alert) tomorrow's a brand new day and we're here to help you!!

  • Day 1.....If I smoked now and trust me I have had many triggers like we all have....I would be going to day One very fast....I think you know its the right thing as well sadly....36 days for me without a drag or a puff of a cigarette..hardest thing I have ever done...Day one if I relapsed....is that just me??

You may also like...