Wow day 38 and after just reading someones 1 year post i wanted to bring out my famous fork and stab her in the eye... that's how much a hard core addict I am.... jesus will this feeling ever go away ? Now i have had some amazing days, days I just want to smoke, days I just want to cry, days I want to jump up and down as feel soooo good like super good meaning you would i was on drugs kind of good, days I just want to batter my boss with a stapler because she wanted a report in an hour... its all part of the withdrawl.... This addiction we have to get over and that want, I can't call it anything else as its that desire to smoke and feel like a hippy sitting on a beach next to a fire whilst some girl runs out to sea and gets eaton by a shark ( ok so i clearly watch to much Jaws that or my Champix driving me nuts, or i just want to get out this hell hole i call an office) anyways my point is. Will it ever stop ? i know it wil lbut part of my persona or title as people like to call me has a 'queen' in it so I'm allowed to be dramatic! this morning again it happened, driving to work, road closed turned around SH1T, going to make my partner late for work considering he air crew he has to be on time or not to late for obvious reasons , panic set in not sure why as I was not goingto be late for work considering this was 7am and dont start until 9 but the point is I actually went for a smoke and when i could not have one that feeling of redness that WANT, i just needed it to take the stress away. my partner lit one up in a very casual monotone whilst sipping his coffee all relaxed with out a care in the world " well this is a bit sh1t isint it" do you think im going to be late" i said " you will in a minute when I boot your ass out this car and you and your god dam fag can walk it" i never really but it was in my mind, i just said " no darling we wont be late maybe a min or two" absolute crazy isint it ? i am finding it hard as time goes on and I dont know why, its like its getting harder and harder and harder but not in a good way!!! i am sane, i know i wont smoke as i dont want to end up crapping my teeth out with my left lung but, I just want it to go away!!! i read that 1 year milestone and got so envious, i know I will get there as I know i will never smoke again but jesus please make it stop... I read from another person who was an alcoholic and was sober for 22 years nailed it, smoking is a severe hard core addiction and i guess we just have to ride it out! weather it takes a month a week a year or 20 if you really want to you will....... now my queeny strop rant is over, yesterday was actually a good milestone... I noticed all day i never went outside once like i normally do at work ,never even entered my head and considering i was in office from 6 am to 5.30 pm its AMAZING, i got home half dead of course but the point was the firsttime in 37 days well actually 2o years since i was smoking I never thought of them alllllll lday
ok chow for now..