Well after 4 months to the day, my quit went up in smoke. January 20th 2012.
No reasons just the excuses. So, thought I would write it all out. Maybe seeing it here and reading it back would be better for me. Everything!!!!!!! is here.
On April 19th 1990, my middle son became seriously ill. So ill in fact he had a cardiac arrest and stopped breathing in our local hospital. He was rushed to Great Ormand Street where he was for 3 months. 2 1/2 ventilated. Goes back to the local hospital,there for 2 days, stops breathing and is rushed back to Great Ormand Street, vented for just over 2 months. This set the pattern for the next 2 years and 4 months. The times he was vented became shorter and the last time he was on a ventilator, it was just over 2 weeks. Vented 4 times in total. He did get to a stage where he was only in hospital over night, after about a year. Then he was only in at weekends. His 2nd birthday was on a ventilator is GOS, his 3rd birthday was in our local hospital. I was pregnant with my youngest when he became ill. He was born while my middle son was in GOS. My son was left profoundly disabled by the illness. He came home officially on 17th August 1992. Until almost 6 years old he was in and out.(The 3rd time he was on the ventilator, we thought that this was it. The 3rd time was just before his 2nd birthday. Even the hospital didn't think he would pull through this time.) Then, he didn't go back into hospital until 16th December 2001, when he had a broken leg. I moved him in bed and his leg broke. This was how I found out he had weakened bone density, due to being in a wheelchair.
We had sent my son to a spe******t school. Due to this, after the February half term, while in traction he was able to return to school. They have a medical wing there that is like a hospital and staffed by registered pediatric nurses.
He thrived there.
He finished his schooling in July 2008, after being in the college there as well, aged 19. On March 2nd 2009 he died in our local hospital from Bronco Pneumonia and an extremely low platelet count. He was just 20 years old. He was on a ventilator and this time I knew in my heart that he would not return home. There is more. But, for now, will leave it here.
To this day, we don't know what the original illness was. They never were able to diagnose him.
On Wednesday January 4th 2012, I had an accident in the car park where I work. A drainage ditch had a broken covering I found it with my foot, fell and smashed my face in. I also had pain in my right arm where I fell on to it. 2 weeks later, after being pulled about feeling very sorry for myself, in pain and looking like the bride of Frankenstein, I had a cigarette. Also at this point, we were going through the will he wont he, scenario of my husband be made redundant. He wasn't, but to keep his job, had to take a 4% pay cut.
The 2nd March this year has been the toughest so far. 3 years and the heartache has been so very hard. I met a couple of other Mums who also lost children around the same time and we have all found the 3rd anniversary the most difficult to deal with.
Smoking is not going to change any of it. But, I think I needed to fail. I know that sounds pretty stupid. I failed because I chose to allow myself to fail. I could have gone and spent money on me. I could have bought a new pair of jeans. I could have bought a new book and buried myself in it.
Never believe just one. One leads to two, leads to three and so on.
Any way there it all is. If you have got this far without falling asleep, thank you. If not, I totally understand!!!!!!!!!
redlady X
