Day 4 - Hardest of All

Today began pretty well. Woke up extremely early (done that every day I've quit so far), bummed around a bit, then went for my first ever outdoor run. I do HIIT on the treadmill but never just ran outside. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time but keep putting off. But I figure if I can successfully quit smoking, I can do anything.

I loved it. Only managed 20 minutes but I hadn't paced myself and was running to the Prodigy so I was going far too fast haha. I reckon if I learn to control my pacing, I'll be able to last much longer. (It's hard to find a medium when you're used to HIIT!) But my lungs were just packing in and I couldn't breathe at all. So headed home. It took 40 minutes for my chest to clear which I am disgusted at. But I suppose my lungs will be starting to clear out all the junk so they'll be working a bit harder.

For the next few hours I lounged around in bed and on the laptop before I went for a shower. But I hadn't put my patch on yet so was going totally nicotine free for half my day. And I got extremely irritable and angry but I didn't want a cigarette!

So at about 6, my partner and I decided we'd go for a nice long walk seeing as it was a lovely evening. Walked down to the local park and then round the lake (think about 6/7 miles in total) but before we'd got back to the roads, it got dark and we were basically wandering through the woods in the pitch black. Not exactly the most comforting of experiences; at this point, I'd usually have a cig to reassure me. The thought did cross my mind but only for a split second out of habit. Bearing in mind my OH had had a few smokes during the walk, I was quite proud of myself.

Got home, had dinner. Didn't even miss the after dinner cig.

Checked my phone and had 4 missed calls from my mum and then from my dad. Rang to see what was up (they sometimes ring me about the daftest things so didn't think too much of it.) But then my dad told me my grandpa had died. :(

My first response was to cry. And then I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a cig.

But I didn't have one... Actually because of something I read last night from this forum about reasons someone might give in. (Smoking isn't going to make it better; it's just something else to worry about.)

Today has been the hardest. But it's brought me to a turning point. I've also realised that the main reason I smoked was for an emotional crutch. So that's something I can now address and not only will I be a non smoker; I'll be better able to deal with my feelings.

My grandpa was also very antismoking (unusual for an east-ender) and aside from everything else, I didn't want to insult his memory by having a cig as a result of his death.

4 Replies

  • I'm really sorry to hear about your grandpa Tyler *hugs*

    Jen x

  • Really sorry for your loss. Well done on not smoking though. Bet your Grandad would be proud.

  • Hey Tyler

    Really sorry for your loss, well done for not caving - it would have been very easy to slip back especially so early on...Good luck with your continuing quit.

  • Cheers everyone.

    Finding it much more difficult today. But I just gotta get through it.

    It's hard not to smoke.

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