Why I'm Putting Myself Through My Own Personal Hell.

[nsd_user663_33962]

I smoked my first cig 10 years ago. To the week. And I bloody loved it.

I don't know why I did it. But I was glad I did. And even gladder when I became a fully fledged smoker. It was a very sociable thing to do - suddenly, you made lots of new friends simply because you all ended up in the same place at the same time. If you didn't have a cig, or a light, someone would very happily share. It was cool, dangerous and a bit sexy. I loved the way it made me feel. Suddenly, I had something to rely on. Didn't matter if my friends or family didn't care about me, I could have a cigarette and THAT would make me feel better. It didn't judge me, it just washed over me and restored a sense of peace. I never had that before I started smoking.

I also liked the moments of solitude it allowed me. I don't smoke indoors so going outside for five minutes for a quick puff was always my special time.

This love affair lasted about 6/7 years. Then I started to feel the bad effects. I would get bad colds. I started having much less energy. I'd feel terrible first thing in the morning. I always felt dirty. This carried on until it got to the point where I just didn't enjoy the sensation of smoking anymore. I wasn't doing it because I enjoyed it; I was doing it because I needed it.

One day, after a particularly wild night which included copious amounts of smabucca, ending up at someone I'd never met's house party and streaking through the town centre at 4am, I woke up feeling dreadful. My head was pounding, my stomach was turning and I was running late for my 9am lecture. (Those were the days!) So I decided to skip my morning cig, which would probably make me throw up anyway, and run to the lecture theatre. I couldn't even manage a light jog to he half way point. So I decided there and then I'd give up. Cold Turkey.

And I managed it for 6 whole months. But then I got drunk with some old friends who pursuaded me to have a few fags and that was it.

I haven't really tried since then,

But I'm giving it another go because of the same reasons. Again, I jsut don't enjoy it anymore. And my lungs are starting to ache.

I've also been forced to face my own mortality. And I don't want my life taken away from me because of something stupid I did when I was young.

I always said I'd quit before I hit 25 and that 10 years was long enough to smoke. So if I don't quit now, I'll never do that. And I have a feeling that'll haunt me to my grave.

[nsd_user663_33894]

Tyler, I can relate to a hell of a lot in your post (although my 'age I must quit by' is 30), it feels almost like I wrote it!

I know what you mean about the solitude and peace. Quite often it's been my way of taking 'time out' if I'm worked up. The nearest I've come so far is playing a game on my phone that I don't have to think about too much, but occupies me - I don't know if that would work gor you?

Good luck with your quit, you know you've made the right decision

[nsd_user663_20591]

sounds familiar tyler! my age to quit was 30...but 32 is damn near close!

congrats on making this decision to give quitting another go! you know you can do it and better yet you know you want to do it!! best of luck!

we are all in this together so never feel alone!