Diary of a quitter - Day 36: Right, I am not... - No Smoking Day

No Smoking Day

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Diary of a quitter - Day 36

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Right, I am not *expletive* happy!

Yesterday I managed to *deleted* wrap my new(ish) car around a *censored* *censored* lamp-post. And it's all Frank *deleted* * expletive* Bruno's fault!

He was doing an interview on Radio 5, and made me laugh so *deleted* much that I momentarily forgot how a *censored* steering wheel works.

So, now I have no *censored* transport, and to add insult to *censored* injury, some *deleted* knuckle-dragger nicked the milk off my *censored* doorstep this morning!

If I ever get to lay my *censored* hands on the *censored* cretin responsible, I'm going to *deleted* insert a *expletive* red hot poker up their *deleted* jacksie!!!

In other news, I really want a fag! Who's stupid idea was it to give up smoking anyway?


On a slightly more upbeat note, my first cookery class will be posted later today. Anyone who wants to 'come cook with Hodges' needs a string of onions, a stripy black and white top, and a squeaky bike. Beret optional.

Onwards and *deleted* upwards

5 Replies

Oh Hodges I'm really sorry about your car and the *censored* cretin that stole your milk. BUT you did cheer me up! Still howling now. What a very nasty person I am to laugh so much at someone else's adversity...:o

However I note you have a secondary means of transport in the form of the pre-requisite squeaky bike, so all is not lost. Routing out the onions as I write. Will vertical black and white stripes do? Horizontal ones are SO unflattering!

The smoking. Very well done for merely fuming not lighting up during all this. You continue to be the most entertaining and inspirational member!

Twas today, April Fools Day, and all through the forum

The quitters were posting with wit and decorum

The oldies were sharing their pictures of cats

And posting their funnies, and NOT causing spats

(Mr Legro exploding the Myth of Nicotene

With out any unseemly venting of spleen)

When all of a sudden there arose such a din

That we leaped from our seats to see Hodges burst in

As the smoke rose in wisps from his cool driving jacket

We could see through the doorway the cause of the racket

The Hodges Mobile was a pile of scrap

And as for the lampost it hit... holy crap.

But concern was shortlived, for the language he spouted

As he stomped round and kicked things and bellowed and shouted

Was frankly so horribly expletive-laden

That it bruised Karri's ears (she's a delicate maiden)

And the effing and blinding and tooting and cussin

And Muttley-esque shassinandfassinandrussin

Was frankly the wildest the forum had seen

And the poor moderators were really not keen.

But after the dust storm had settled around him

Hodges said he was happy to have us to ground him

And we all forgave, for that's what we do

Cos we quitters are loyal and honest and true

And despite his disasters, he'd had nary a drag

On even one small tiny wee crafty fag.

So we sent Hodges home to the Hodges abode

With instructions to please keep his eyes on the road

Buy some milk, get some sleep, give IKEA a miss

Suck a straw, take a breath, give the missus a kiss

For we all feel your pain, and we pity your plight

Happy Fool's day dear Hodge, keep the quit strong. Goodnight.

Thanks hodges I had fun inserting my own swear words!

, hells bells Helen, that was good x

Oh dear, make me laugh too though! :D

day 35

Bad new about your car - but where is the cookery class that you mentioned you were going to post?

From someone who will always be two days behind you . . .

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