So glad to have my wife home. Am having to do everything for her atm and have been unable to post for a few days, but don't mind. Anyway, on with my diary.
So, here I am. Into my 3rd week and I haven't caved in yet. I am officially going mad though. Been feeling decidedly grumpy over last few days, despite having lots of reasons to be happy. Is this normal?
It's like I wake up every morning and my first thought is "Right, Who can I have an argument with today"? I'm putting it down to missing the smokes for want of a better explanation. The good 'ol drinking straws are still proving invaluable. I've noticed I don't get out of breath anywhere near as easily as I used to.
In an effort to alleviate the morning craves, I've taken to barking at the postman. You all should try it. Helps with grumpiness too.
For the best effect get an old envelope, tear it into thin strips and chew them up a bit. Then, lie in wait for the postman (it helps if you have an accomplice to act as lookout - I use a conveniently placed 5yr old son).
The next steps are all about timing. When postie walks up garden path you need to be hunched down at front door underneath letterbox with your chewed up bits of envelope in a free hand. Then.. as he inserts the letters through the letterbox do the following all at the same time.
1. Hurl your entire weight at the door. You are trying to achieve a window-rattling thud here.
2. At the top of your voice, let rip with your best impression of a psychopathic rabid Rotweiller on bad acid. One bark only for dramatic effect. (for those that can't do a deep voice - impression of yappy little ankle biter is acceptable)
3. Grab hold of letters (preferably while postie still has hold of other end) and violently waggle them about in the letterbox before snatching them in.
4. And for the coup-de-grace, take your chewed up bits of envelope and blow them out the letterbox creating gently wafting cloud of debris. Snarling sound effects can be used to embellish.
Collapse in heap of silent rib-shaking mirth and await letter from Royal Mail. Meanwhile, rejoice in the fact that you havent thought about smoking for 5 minutes
onwards and upwards.