My rants and reasons!

SO I don't forget and to see if anyone else has had similar situation!

Reason Number 1 - I want to be able to sleep better, and not cough sneeze splutter and catch every single repository problem going!

No matter what I do I am awake till around 9am then sleep till 3pm, if i try sleep at any normal time 11,12,1,2 i'll wake up every bloody hour and sneeze and cough nonstop.

I have been trying to give up for months now, my pattern is always I change my habits a bit, maybe go see my parents or see different friends for a few days, or start a new placement/job, and manage to go up to a week smoke free then get restless into a bad sleep pattern a mate will come round start smoking and I will just beg and nag until they let me have one. The next day I have a crazy smoking binge, then smoke my usual amount (only 2-3 a day, but still 2-3 a day more than I want to!) then at the wekeend have a boozy night, lots of smoking, feel terrible next day and insist I quit again and start again.

This time I really want to stop and have already made it past the first test of a mate coming around and smoking when I have had no sleep and am stressed, I didn't even want a puff I just wanted it away from me!

I didn't even tell myself I was going to try give up, but now I realise i past this test by accident I am gonna try roll with it!

I just realise I am less days free than I thought :(

I sleep such odd hours I can't tell.I had 2 on Saturday afternoon because my friend was driving me crazy as she got drunk at 6pm and I had to look after her all day, I got her back to mine and she was such a handful, my mate was smoking in the corner laughing and chilled and I practically ripped it outta his hands, then had another!

Since then I have been coughing like crazy, so resisted anymore.

To be honest, and really harsh and a reason I have such a fakey username so they won't find me. I know it is my friends making it hard for me, and my housemate. They are all chain smokers, of not just cigs, and I got into the whole little world and enjoyed it on a very superficial level, but deep down I hate myself for it and want so much to stop. It is like how i hate myself for having a bad diet only 10000000x worse and something I know I can get out of whereas the food thing has been my problem my whole life, this is a new thing.

I had my first ever cig only around a year ago, and have fluctuated up to as much as 20 a day. I know am usually 0-5 a day, and if I don't see my friends its is 0 and I don't miss it I just feel guilty for all the times I have.

I want to see if I am right in that it is cigs making me unable to sleep right and get ill all the time, if not then I have at least got rid of messing up my lungs in the future and can carry on to what else it might be I can fix, allergies, diet etc.

The realisation that the reason I keep getting so ill isn't because I moved house and it is a bit damp in places, and really dusty and I have a poor diet it is because I STARTED SMOKING ON A REGULAR BASIS WHEN I MOVED HERE (because I had tonsa dust and odd bit of damp and same diet in old house, difference was I couldn't smoke there, so would only have them on a night out and very rarely then go home to sleep in nice smoke free house!)

I have to live in this house now, and it stinks of smoke and my housemate leaves dirty ashtrays all over front room near where I eat, and in a way, I am glad they repulse me a little because it helps me smoke the little amount I do. I threw the ashtray outta my bedroom and now don't let anyone smoke in here unless it is a VERY rare occasion, I want my room to be smoke free at the least.

I need to change my life and let my mates realise I am serious this time about giving up and I really want them to stop coming over to see me, lighting up and makign me and my house fill with tempting smoke. It also stops me from doing anything useful, I have projects I want to do, things I want to study, books to read, chores to do you name it. MY entire circle is stoners who even though they are good to me and my best friends and always want to see me and have a luagh with me, help me when im upset at end of the day they are -not- good for me in so many other ways. Wasters with no career, getting into heavier and heavier drugs, the otherday (reason I took my mate to pub at 6pm) they had a frikkin mushroom party in my house and acted like it was all normal!!

Now because I have smoked lots of pot with them in the past (and I have been slowly cutting down on that in line with the cigs to the point its all or nothing, therefore nothing it all goes!!) I feel so judegmental and hypocritical to tell them off for anything, they also use MY MOBILE to call dealers because I have free minutes, I have said I dont like this anymore and they just say "number of times ive given u a free joint/bought u a drink/any other favour dont worry it wont get traced" and I feel I have to.

I just want to not cut them from my life but distance them, I am doing it by being a bit antisocial at the moment saying it is because i dont want to join in with the other drugs and also because I am a bit ill. In truth I just want out of that pointless lifestyle. Yet they are my friends and if they want to do it, thier choice, but by me giving it up seems I am judging them, and removing favours such as using my house and my phone i used to give them seems awful now.

I never really learnt how to say no to friends because I am not used to having many the first time i really have true friends i feel so awful wanting to cut ties and judge them, but it is really not where I want my life to be anymore.

Ive applied to go back to Uni to get a funded masters degree, I have a language exam I cant wait to take and really want to do well in in a couple of months and I want my life to go back on track. I am going to start volunteering this afternoon (on no sleep at this rate - joy!) and am really wanting to find a job soon as my last few have really knocked my confidence (kept getting fired by my temp agencies for "personality reasons" when I try hard to be friendly and work really hard just people dont seem to like me and think I am weird so I get really nervous itll happen again so it does!) I have had about 5office jobs in 3months all the same way, I have zero confidence left so am seriously considering going back into the sorta jobs I used to do I was good at and liked (minimum wage retail) Yet it conflicts with my ambition to be successful and have a nice little smart, clean, smoke free, idiot free house for myself...and money to travel and take night classes in random things I find interesting, and learn to drive and have a nice car and all these things the world told me I would have by 25 I now realise is such B$

This is a lot to talk about on a smoking forum but I had to say it somewhere, I guess giving up that is a step in the direction back towards what I was trying to become when I went to Uni and I want to get back on track!

I know my friends will support me if I can prove to them I am serious about what I say, and be firm when I say no to them using my phone and filling my house with drug parties! If they don't then I guess they are not real friends..

I hope the people of this forum will help me to give up smoking weed and cigs (i dont even really like being stoned! it is just like an extra strong nicotine hit at first then it gives me a stupid headache i talk crap and feel woozy n sleepy and whereas it used to give me a giggly happy feeling it never does anymore anyway just makes me feel isolated and paranoid I am talking b$ and just want to lay there half passed out :S)

If I can give up these I will know I can achieve a goal and be more confident about my other life goals.

2 Replies

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  • Well Bumble, I dont know if you come here anymore. It must have been difficult to bear your soul and get no reply.

    I think it will be very difficult for you to change your life in your current set up. You need to get away from these people. They may be very nice but they are dragging you down, and stopping you from acheiving your potential. I dont know where you live, but if possible, I think you should move.

    There that is very bossy of me, but it really doesnt sound like you are happy, and your sleep pattern is seriously crazy.

    Best of luck anyway xx

  • Hi there

    Wow, you certainly are a brave soul to bear all on this forum. Sounds like your going into the next phase of your life. which does not include smoking..of any sort...

    it's a natural phase of life to want to progress .and remove yourself from cigarettes. and you have friends who have seen you jump off and on the band wagon, quitting not quitting.. on again..off again..

    but that why we are all here, i certainly am no expert as i am only new to quitting so I hear you.

    You cant control your friends, you can only control you and your environment.

    keep a smoke free environment inside your house. if you have to.. say whatever you have to, to your friends to keep them from smoking inside your property. you hold no obligation to them to allow them to smoke inside your house. it is called respect.

    true friends understand no, no is a word a true friend uses as honesty. it is hard to come by these days.(honesty)

    good on you for wanting to better yourself by quitting. it is taking control of your life.. all the best to you.. everyday not smoking is taking control of you..for the better..

    take care...

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