Really struggling

Hi Folks,

Not been on for a while but really worried I could be about to lose my quit. I've smoked on two occasions in the last two weeks. I can't even excuse it. Alcohol was involved on both occasions but I had been doing great in the four months or so since my earlier 'blip'.

I have lost a quit like this before (granted I had only quit for 2 months) and although when sober I have no urge whatsoever I can feel the addict brain jumping for joy and trying all the usual tricks like "well maybe I can just smoke when drinking" But we all know thats a pile of poo and even when 8 years ago I managed to do just that for 8/9 weeks I was putting myself through withdrawal through the week and it felt just awful. Made me put loads of weight on and was on an emotional rollercoaster. I cannot do that to myself again.

I didn't know where to post this as I don't quite consider myself 8 months quit anymore but to be honest am not worrying so much about that as staying quit and never smoking again.

I had two last night and to be honest folks, for anyone thinking about doing it, I had black stuff coming out my nose when I blew it, my sinuses are sore, I have that really sensitive teeth feeling I had forgotten about and my hair stinks! Also I know like last week I will be fighting cravings again this week, want to eat everything in sight and it will be hard.

I have been reading this morning. Both the caring for your quit link and all my earlier posts to remind myself what I went through and why I was doing it.

Sorry for rambling on but I really need words of support/ass-kicking/advice.

Thanks

Debx

9 Replies

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  • Hi Deb,

    Sorry you are struggling at the mo. Look, at the end of the day you don't want to go back to being a smoker do you? When I get to the stage you are at now it feels like I am in turmoil. Want to, don't want to, everything feels all mixed up. The difference is I always ended up back on them & SO regretting it. Each time becomes harder & harder to get back on a quit SO PLEASE DON'T MAKE MY MISTAKE.

    Find some where quiet, take a deep breath, shut your eyes & really focus on all the good things about being quit. Don't let any negative thoughts creep in, they are not allowed. When you feel ready, get up & get on with your day as a non smoker. Hope it helps focus you.

    As for alcohol, if this is your downfall in your quit perhaps try & stay clear? I had not had a drink for a month (only drank on a Friday night) & did feel better for it even though I had some sulky Friday nights LOL. I had half a bottle of wine yesterday with my son & felt absolutley crap afterwards. Not physically but mentally. It is sadly no good for me at the moment so have to give it a wide birth!

    keep posting as much as you need to till this passes ok?

    Gaynor x

  • Hi Deb

    I'm still only a tiny bit into my quit so can't sympathise with how you feel but I just wanted to say don't give up giving up, you've come so far and just imagine having to do the past 8 months again, remember how tough things were at the beginning of your quit or when you were where I am now (and having a very bad day but thats another story).

    Take lots of deep breaths and think about your reasons for quitting in the 1st place - they still stand and are still your reasons....... (I'm telling myself that as well today!!!)

    Jane

  • Afternoon Deb

    Keep going you haven't lost your quit.

    What you are doing is testing it, the nicodemon still has his hold on you and at the moment he hasn't got you back. You need to get your exit strategy in place for when you're having a drink, as it's when your determination is at it's lowest.

    Don't give in Deb, starting smoking again is foolish. Just remember the early days and all the work you've done. Do you really want to have to go through that again.

    Never Take another PUFF.

    Keep NTAPing.

    M

  • Hi Deb

    You have always struck me as a really strong member on here with a good quit. You already know you don't want to be a smoker and you know what it's like to quit aswell so i would say firstly forgive yourself and then just move on. Forget it and start over. Don't let nicotine get it's hooks back into you! Remember the little nico demon that lives inside us all that will rant and rave and make us feel like we need him and can't cope without him but all he wants to o is sabatage our life by making us unhappy and poorly!!! Just say NO. :cool:

    As for alcohol, maybe its worth avoiding a drink while you are vunerable because it's often a trigger. Smoking and drinking go hand in hand, they are both bad for you imo. ;) I quit smoking in march then quit drinking in may :eek: feels good though. Just a thought.

    Good luck and stay strong.

  • Thank you

    Thank you all so much! I haven't been around for a while and forgot how amazing you guys are.

    Gaynor thanks for your message. Makes a lot of sense. I have many failed quits too so think thats why I currently have huge alarm bells going off in my head. I guess I am struggling with the whole sober = boring thing. I realise that makes me sound about 14 but recently I have been out loads sober and next time I see the same people they always ask if I am drinking this time..... weird. I hope things are going well for you heading into day 2 :) Great to see you back into your quit.

    Jane, thank you so much for posting! I hope your day has got better. Its great to hear from someone earlier on. I did read my reasons for quitting. Am going to continue reading them regularly and keep reading some of the great things in peoples signatures. I know it might sound weird me saying this but it really does get better and is worth every rubbish day you have early on. Just don't get complacent like me....

    MAH thanks so much. Thats exactly it. I have re-awoken the monster and he's trying to creep back in. Am going to have to be strong but you are absolutely right. I do not want to go back. I can't. I have gained so much in this past 8 months and I refuse to hand it all back.

    Mainly my confidence and the ability to afford to run my beloved wee motor.

    Fallen angel that is a brilliant way of putting it. I am strong 99.999% of the time, its just being drunk with certain people seems to be the only time that I am even aware of the nicodemon. Truth is that I had completely stopped having cravings or even an interest ing smoking a good few months ago. I would be interested to hear more about your decision to stop drinking and how you are finding it. See my above comment about being 14 ;)

    Thanks again everyone. Sorry if I have waffled but I am slightly hungover and emotional......

    Debxxx

  • Hi Deb

    I really felt for you when I read your post tonight, its like reading mine a few months ago. Plesae Deb, dont smoke again, you have done so well and you will feel so lousy going back to Day 1, if ever you do, you have a good quit going, so avoid those friends who mdont supposrt your quit until you are strong enough to be amongst them, or they realise what a great thing you are doing and turn and support you.

    I have friends (and family) that are still smoking but they cant always support us as they havent had the bottle to quit yet (always saying they dont need to), so are really quite envious of you.

    Sorry to sound as if I am lecturing, but its just what I have learnt along the way, and if you ask me do I still miss my smokes the answer Debs is " Yes Debs often", what I dont miss is the stink of my hair and clothes, the effect on my family when I had cancer and I still smoked, the money, and the greatest bit, battling the addictions and standing upto the horrid nicodemon when he comes prowling.

    Hope this post helps a little bit.

    Dee

  • In response to your question; My decision to quit drinking was down to the simple fact that it's not a substance i want in my body anymore, but here's a few more anyway. It isn't attractive to be pissed, nor are you really that funny or impressive, most drunks are full of themself and their own ego and usually regret it the next day and on top of that feel pretty toxic and look like crap lol.

    How do i cope now? Easy. Much better! :D:cool::p

  • Hi Deb, you've got to get yourself into a positive frame of mind and stop worrying about the blips so you can move forward. If drink is the weakness, avoid it for a month or two. I do, I always drive now when we go out and yes, there are some that are just really thankful not to have to wait for taxis and others that are alarmed that i'm not drinking, but I really do have a better time. Don't worry about what others think, you must do what you need to do to get to some sort of comfortable compromise.

    OK, you might have stirred those cravings again, but you can pull this back with no damage done. You've done it before, don't let these niggling doubts about wanting to smoke when drinking bug you. Tell yourself no and tell yourself firmly.

    Strangely, i've been thinking about smoking more lately, don't know why, and I won't smoke, but it's odd that 8 months in i've suddenly started to think about smoking again. Maybe it's that old devil complacency?

    Onwards and upwards Deb, you've got a little repair work, but you've come so far that you can't possibly go back now. Positive thinking now, no dwelling on the past.

    Lorraine :)

  • New day, new attitude

    Morning folks,

    Dee thanks so much. Didn't seem like a lecture matey, just common sense. I had kinda forgot about that fact some friends aren't so supportive...... I guess you are right. Both times I was with people who didn't exactly discourage me. Not that I am blaming them. It was my choice. I didn't realise you had, had cancer Dee. I really hope you are well now. Thats really the most important reason any of us should have for quitting.

    Fallen angel, thanks for your post. I have thought about stopping drinking alcohol many times and what you have said really echoes how I have felt loads........ am ashamed to admit it but I have been all of those things. Real food for thought, thanks for that.

    Lorraine, thank you so much. I have had a word and feeling much more positive this morning. I am going to move on and be positive and will lay off the alcohol for at least a month or so. Probably longer. I drive now so I like it when I can leave when I want and get home quickly and safely. My quit is too important to me to go back.

    I wonder if its the change in seasons that gets you thinking about them again? My friend who is 2 years + quit said that the first year is harder cos you have to do lots of stuff (Christmas, birthdays, anniversarys, holidays, changing seasons etc) for the first time as a non smoker. He said the second year is much easier. You are almost 2/3 of the way to getting to the start of that second year.....how good does that feel?

    I won't start smoking again. I promise. I promise myself as much as you guys. I can get through an hours tough Zumba class without gasping for breath. I can afford my car and to spoil my niece. My time is my own. Nothing is controlling it or stealing my focus and making me want to be elsewhere. That is how I want my life to continue.

    Going to get my head down and get on with life as a non-smoker.

    Thanks so much!

    Debxxx

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