Here goes, you may want to get a cuppa as I feel an essay coming on.
I have crashed and burned, failed miserably, given in to the monsters, given up, bottomed out, disgraced and dissappointed myself and let down all the other New Year Revolutions. My heartfelt and most sincere apologies to all.
I thought I was bigger than this, I thought I could do this, I thought all I had to do was just make that decision to be a quitter.
I massively underestimated my addiction. I thought I had a bad habit that had a little bit of a hook in me. I was wrong.
I was so impressed with myself getting through the first 3 days and I fully believed and expected that it could only get easier from then on. It didn't, and I just wasn't prepared for the level of intensity that those cravings reached. It was just constant,constant, constant, like some drill in my chest and I just wanted it to stop, to let up, to leave me be. I kept wondering when exactly I was going to start to feel better, when I'd shake those shackles off and feel wonderful and free. I just felt like c***.
So maybe I didn't want it enough? Isn't that what everyone says?
I've spent the last year reading and reading and arming myself with information, I tried zyban, patches, gum, inhalators, hypnotherapy, even herbal cigarettes and craving essence. I just wanted to do it, I wanted to get all the rubbish out my system as quickly as possible and then get on with my recovery. Easier said than done it seems.
I am no different to an alcoholic or a drug addict. No different at all. And if i thought i was, who's to say that if they put the price of cigarettes up to a tenner for one i wouldn't find myself out robbing handbags to pay for it?
I guess i need to find a way to pick myself up,dust myself down and start all over again, but right now at this moment I'm depressed, disappointed and de-motivated. I'm sorry this isn't a happy, success story.....not yet anyway.
I would hugely appreciate any help or advice from anyone who has been here before.