Here goes, you may want to get a cuppa as I feel an essay coming on.
I have crashed and burned, failed miserably, given in to the monsters, given up, bottomed out, disgraced and dissappointed myself and let down all the other New Year Revolutions. My heartfelt and most sincere apologies to all.
I thought I was bigger than this, I thought I could do this, I thought all I had to do was just make that decision to be a quitter.
I massively underestimated my addiction. I thought I had a bad habit that had a little bit of a hook in me. I was wrong.
I was so impressed with myself getting through the first 3 days and I fully believed and expected that it could only get easier from then on. It didn't, and I just wasn't prepared for the level of intensity that those cravings reached. It was just constant,constant, constant, like some drill in my chest and I just wanted it to stop, to let up, to leave me be. I kept wondering when exactly I was going to start to feel better, when I'd shake those shackles off and feel wonderful and free. I just felt like c***.
So maybe I didn't want it enough? Isn't that what everyone says?
I've spent the last year reading and reading and arming myself with information, I tried zyban, patches, gum, inhalators, hypnotherapy, even herbal cigarettes and craving essence. I just wanted to do it, I wanted to get all the rubbish out my system as quickly as possible and then get on with my recovery. Easier said than done it seems.
I am no different to an alcoholic or a drug addict. No different at all. And if i thought i was, who's to say that if they put the price of cigarettes up to a tenner for one i wouldn't find myself out robbing handbags to pay for it?
I guess i need to find a way to pick myself up,dust myself down and start all over again, but right now at this moment I'm depressed, disappointed and de-motivated. I'm sorry this isn't a happy, success story.....not yet anyway.
I would hugely appreciate any help or advice from anyone who has been here before.
Jenni
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I know what you mean...Seems, like me you know what it's all about...Know it does nothing but cause misery but time can't pass quick enough to get to the other side...
I remember quitting a few years back for 6 months. Woke up coughing my guts up after a 5 am session and croaked...'That's it!' It wasn't easy and after the first night at the pub I got my friend to shave my head to keep my mind off smoking. It worked (I needed to shave my head anyway as I also had to face up to going bald).
At that time my mind set was that, that was it. Not how long can I go. I feel the same this time and I feel lucky as I don't feel anything. I'm not waiting to feel different or for anything to go away. I'm just not going back.
Wish I could help you to feel like I feel. Just keep talking to us... You are not alone
Got any good Music recommendations to help you through and us?
It's an evil thing and if it must be a battle then it's time we fight!!!:mad:
I firmly believe its worth fighting for. For all of us.. and for you.
Reading your post it seems that you were more enduring the pain of the withdrawal rather than fighting it all the way. Thats where you become more a victim than a victor. By waiting for it all to just get better and easier, the feelings you've experienced during the withdrawal process have just stacked up more and more and for you this became utterly unbearable.
Now jenni, you are NOT a lost cause.. you have NOT lost your desire to be free of the addiction but you have took a knock to your confidence that you can do this because you just found it difficult this last attempt. I presume you tried to do it cold turkey method and that does indeed take alot of willpower, determination and support in many ways from the folk you live around too. Its not easy, and yes the nicotine is out your system much quicker. I personally didn't quit cold turkey because i've tried that before and failed it.. so i quit using patches.
If i was yourself, i would sit down and weigh up the pro's and con's of trying to quit using NRT methods vs. cold turkey again and really decide which is the method that best suits you. Did you try to quit using NRT methods while also using a forum like this for example? perhaps both together may work for you?
Just don't give up trying to be free of this 'drug addiction' Jenni, you ARE worth it. You really are.
First I'm so sorry this has happened but you owe none if us an apology indeed many of us have also had the same thing happen many times
Please don't beat yourself up about this but learn from it instead the craves can be the very devil I know
Just accepting that you're an addict will help a lot promise not just you all of us on here are addicts OK and you had every right to be proud getting through those 3 days
The craves can wear you down I don't know how you tried to beat them but water for some reason really does help. also a walk is good, deep breathing in fact anything that will distract keeping busy is another good one I promise my home had never shone as brightly as it did through those first really tough couple of weeks
To help you get ready for your next assault on the Nico :eek: Demons
Read, read and read some more read the posts on here and click all the links you can find learn to know your enemy as well as you now yourself or better he is very wily and nasty and sneaky and any thing else you can think of as well, try and learn his sneaky ways and tricks for he has plenty having said that you can beat him I promise
Take the time to get ready for the next time and when you're ready we'll all be here for you every step of the way
One more important thing to remember
YOU'RE NOT BEATEN AND YOU HAVEN'T FAILED, THE ONLY TIME YOU FAIL IS IF YOU STOP TRYING AND JUST KEEP SMOKING FOR GOOD
This time the Demons won the battle but next time it will be you but with a difference because
Wow ....................... yup that about sums it up. It almost made me cry cause that is exactly how I feel. I'm on day 6 this time but have tried before so many times. My only advice is to keep keep trying. I have tried patches, inhalers, hypnotherpy, accupunture and Zyban. I tell myself every day that I am a dirtly adict in the hope that I will remind myself of the gravity of the habit and shame myself into staying quit.
This time I have some left over patches from last attempt, a heavy cold and a self loathing. Maybe this will be the right combination. If it isn't I will keep keep trying till I beat it!!!!!!!
I can't tell you how much it means to me to get all these amazing messages of support....you have me in tears.
I'm taking it all in and if anything this has taught me a huge, if brutal, lesson.
I'm going to get myself back together, be prepared for nicodemon like never before and also accept that cold turkey isn't the way for me. I will never again underestimate the nature of the beast and I will plan for his attacks in future. Give me a couple of days folks and I'm getting back on that horse that kicked me. You guys are awesome, thank you xx
And messynessy, hang in there girl so i can come and cling to your arm when i come back!
Jenni, please don't feel like you have failed anyone. I'm not the only quitter here that has tried before. But like Marg said...each quit attempt wasn't failure it just taught me something.
You will learn from this and you will succeed. I am on day 2 of my quit, and I cannot believe how different I feel this time to all the other times...I know its not for everyone and the side effects can be iffy, but have you tried Champix? I think for me, the habit wasn't a problem, it was the enjoyment I used to get from cigs that made me want and need to smoke. Champix has released me from that, and now I feel great. I am sure there will be difficult days ahead for me and it won't all be plain sailing but I'll not stop trying, maybe it could work for you?
you are down there, face first in the mud at the moment by the sound of it. But you obviously aren't done yet else you wouldn't still be here posting. So that tells me something. It tells me that you want this badly enough.
And thats really one of the big secrets. You gotta really want it.
some folk are fortunate and can just stop. I wasnt. I was like you. tried everything, just couldn't. I think i know now, that somewhere deep down, I just didnt want to let go of smoking. I believed that it gave me other "benefits". It took me to rewire my thinking before I could break free. It might help do really be honest and find the "mental script" that you tell yourself about smoking being good. For me it was that "it helped me socialize and meet people outside at work" etc etc.
Thats down to education really. The more you read, the more you understand the addiction, the more you will be armed against its tricks and lies.
it sounds like its been a hard realisation and that you are finally accepting that it is a bigger problem than you would have liked to have owned up to in the past. Well thats ok. your being honest and seeing the truth finally. And that is 100% the first step of getting your head in the right place to quit.
its a tough nut to crack but you CAN do it. Education really is the other secret key for the quitting door. keep reading and learning whats going on with it.
hang in there and keep posting for support - we r right behind you
bman, just wanted to say what an excellent post I thought you wrote to yournamehere. I thought it struck just the right note of encouragement and common sense. Well done that man and good luck yournamehere I could also identify exactly with a lot of your sentiments in my very early stages. Good luck to all of us for the future and may we continue to educate ourselves in this difficult task.
Hey Jenni, how many times have you done something for the first time, like an exam, a challenge of some kind and you feel if I could try that again I could do better. Well giving up the cigs is the same you've had a go do you think you could make a better job of it the next time?
You have not let yourself down, us down, you've only let your guard down the next time you will be more prepared to fight.
I don't want to worry you but you said you were waiting for it to stop, to go away, to let you be and give you peace. Okay this is exactly what I went through and after 6 weeks I'm still asking the same question although it is not nearly as bad as it was at the start. You find yourself wishing it was 6 months from now and all this would go away. Unfortunately sweetheart there are no shortcuts I've went CT but I dont think you should. I think maybe Champix may be the way for you to go. I would suggest for now keep smoking and go and discuss this with your doctor. If you feel this is not the path for you then you could try again using patches.
You definately have the want to stop so do not give up giving in.
Only just found this place and I'm already on day 9......so wish I'd found it sooner!!
Anyway, bman on the previous page is absolutely bang on the money - if you don't really want to quit (and I mean deep down in your heart of hearts, being true to yourself), you will never do it.
It does sound harsh but it is so very true. There is no nicey nicey way of saying it otherwise you are just being led the proverbial garden path into thinking it's gonna be easy peasy.
Even if you use NRT such as patches or gum, you must still have a desire/will power to quit otherwise they cannot help you - and that is all they do, help. They don't make a quit any easier at all.
Jack is spot on too - continue to smoke for now because making continued quit attempts one after the other will not help you.
Try again when you are ready. Only you can know when that will be but trust me it will be a lot easier if you have another go when you are in a very positive frame of mind. You know how hard it is now so please don't think I'm being negative; I'm simply trying offer you realistic advice as opposed to wrapping you up in cotton wool and pretending you can easily have another in a couple of days. If only it were that easy....
Hi Nige, just want to say welcome to the forum. I found this place 3 weeks into stopping and I have had a lot of help and support on here since.
It seems to me you should stick around get support for yourself and it seems to me you could give lots of help to others.
A very well done for getting to day 9 you're doing really great. CT is the hardest way to go but they say it's the quickest. I keep hoping they're right.
I agree that you have to want to quit. I want to quit, but I also admit that there are a few cigarettes (not many, but a few) that in the right circumstance, I really enjoy. I am being honest with myself, and I also believe that as time goes on, the few circumstances that I thought of will disappear, or become a passing thought.
We must remember that there are many smokers that have been told due to health etc. that they must quit. That decision isn't theirs, the decision has been taken for them. It's absolutely possible for them to stop smoking successfully, but they perhaps need to take a slightly different approach to it.
One day at a time is how I get through. I'm comfortably on Day 9, but if I think ahead and tell myself that i'm never going to have another cigarette, ever, I feel quite panicky about it (just typing it gets my pulse going!). So I don't, it's all about today, and every day I decide not to have a smoke today, no matter what the day throws at me. There have been some tricky moments, buy what I have learnt is that they only last a couple of minutes, unless I dwell on them and don't distract myself with something else. I had a tricky moment last week, put a posting on here, got through it and wow did I feel great once i'd realised.
I am sure there will be some testing times around the corner, I don't have the experience of many here, but i'm getting there, and you can too, by taking baby steps, day by day. Every time you conquer a little trigger that get's you thinking about smoking, it makes you a little stronger and that trigger get's less powerful, until it goes away.
You will succeed, you will find a way, don't get frustrated with it, try to stay calm and maybe think of it as one day at a time, those days will soon mount up.
I've just posted in the 2 weeks board with regard to my own quit attempt (and that's all it is so far) - I hope to call myself an ex-smoker one day but I know I'm not there yet.
So yeah, I intend to be around now I've found the place - supporting each other is a definite must.
Sorry you are feeling horrid at the moment. Also there is no need to say sorry to anyone and you haven't let anyone one down. Not even yourself.
Just think most of us on here have felt the way like you are feeling at the moment. You do get to feel better after a few weeks ( I will say weeks because people are different ).
I found you need to be focused on this quitting thing and you really need to do it.
Go to the doctors and see a smoking nurse as she has helped and supported me.
Just seen Jack's Message, and I do agree with him.
Just stick with it and we know you can do it. I didn't want to stop smoking and I found it hard but at the moment I'm on my 7th week.
Read and post your messages on this forum as it's a brill site and it will really help you. You will get help, advice, support and friendship here and you will find you are not alone on this path of quitting.
Hi again, and thanks for all the extra advice here. And Nige - I'm 37 years old, I've smoked for 25 of them, no part of me ever thought quitting was going to be "easy peasy". I just wasn't prepared for quite how hard it actually was. Now i know better, now I'll be better prepared, and next time I will do it.
One day at a time is how I get through. I'm comfortably on Day 9, but if I think ahead and tell myself that i'm never going to have another cigarette, ever, I feel quite panicky about it (just typing it gets my pulse going!). So I don't, it's all about today, and every day I decide not to have a smoke today, no matter what the day throws at me.
yeah lozza - that's great advice. I think theres loads of us on here that can identify with the "one step at a time" thinking. It was absolutely essential for me as well. It just seems too big of a task otherwise. And there's no need to stress yourself out like that in the early days. Every day is a massive achievement. Well done to you and Nige for doing so well. Happy double figures for tomorrow to you both
I would not look at this as a failure. I would look at it as the most important learning experience you could have had. You have now identified the real problem you face, defeating your addiction and learning to live as a person who is not an addict.
This can lead to depression, anger and feelings of loss, or it can lead to learning inner strength and the ability to face your fears with self love. I really believe before I could quit for good, I had to face this head on. Why am I an addict. Even if I had no weakness prior to becoming an addict, I certainly now have learned to use nicotine as a coping skill.
Once I did this, the cravings no longer seemed like agony and something I just wanted to go away. Instead they became a signal to look within. What is it that the nicotine was covering up or supporting? Facing this and finding the answer made the cravings become manageable. As I indentified the cause and built another skill instead of nicotine, the craving for that reason went away.
Sounds strange but I almost welcome then now, I instantly try to figure out what is it the nicotine would have done for me. Many times it is very benign, sometimes it takes real self examination to find the answer. For example this morning I had a mild craving , or more of a thought. I was associated in my mind smoking with taking a break. The craving for nicotine was a 'take a rest cue'. I did not really want a smoke I wanted a stop working! Craving are hard wired in our brains and it will take a lot of work to change that wiring. But once you see it as this, it is so much easier and self rewarding to do. Anyway sorry to ramble on so.
Do not feel defeated, feel empowered! You now know the monkey on your back! Now learn how to get him off and lean how to live happily with out him, so that you can keep him off for ever! You can do this, I know it!
One day at a time is how I get through. I'm comfortably on Day 9, but if I think ahead and tell myself that i'm never going to have another cigarette, ever, I feel quite panicky about it (just typing it gets my pulse going!). So I don't, it's all about today, and every day I decide not to have a smoke today, no matter what the day throws at me. There have been some tricky moments, buy what I have learnt is that they only last a couple of minutes, unless I dwell on them and don't distract myself with something else. I had a tricky moment last week, put a posting on here, got through it and wow did I feel great once i'd realised.
Lozza - I know exactly how you feel... I posted recently that at one hand I'm really happy that I'm not smoking and I can now officially call myself an ex-smoker... but on the other hand I still can't quite believe that I'll never have one again and that does send me panicky too! I was looking to book a holiday and found myself thinking about evenings on the patio having a drink without a ciggie... how sad it that! Unfortunately that's the sign of having an addiction - and that's what's doing the talking in those moments... So, I'm taking one day at a time like you - and it's so much easier that way because I don't want to put pressure on myself by thinking too far ahead. It's day 18 for me and, although there have been many attempts before - I've usually cheated by allowing myself just 1 ciggie at night or at the weekend and then lying to myself that 'it's okay'! But this time, it's patches, willpower this forum and absolutely not one single ciggie...
Keep going Lozza - baby steps to giant leaps.... and keep going Jenni - you'll see this through - you've let no-one down... if you really want to do it - you can.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. And you are right on so many levels. It was a huge learning curve, in all honesty I have to admit to being shocked at discovering the magnitude of what I was actually dealing with. Nothing could have prepared me for that, and I got a fright and ran away! As I've puffed and choked my way through this damn packet i felt i had to buy, it's been revelation after revelation. Like, how many cigarettes would ever be enough? It's never enough is it, because that particular monster is never sated, he always wants more and more and more, like some over-indulged, demanding child.
Maybe I had to experience that to get a little tougher and a little angry with it so I have the strength to fight back this time. I really hadn't wanted to use NRT but perhaps I should accept that I need a little help with it. Day 1 of the rest of my life starts tomorrow, and with the encouragement and support of everyone on this life-saver of a forum, i WILL do it.
There's no shame to using an aid to help you stop... it'd be more difficult to walk with a broken leg without a crutch!!! I'm finding the patches help - I've tried so many times and given up trying! - You obviously really want to do it, so think positively and go for it.
You have let no-one down OK, no-one at all. Quitting is hard really bloody hard but we all know that otherwise we wouldn't be here.
I know how you are feeling though. I attempted to quit last October using champix, come November the Nicodemon got the better of me and I felt that I'd let my fellow Octoquitters down and that I was a failure. They reassured me and was so lovely and encouraging.
I knew though that I couldn't get straight back on the horse as I was mentally and physically exhausted. I got Christmas out of the way with I started my quit again on the 3rd Jan. Initially I tried to go cold turkey but found it too difficult so got patches and lozenges. I am now patch and lozenge free but do carry some round on a just in case.
Different things work for different people but with each and every method whether it be champix, NRT or CT we all still need very strong willpower. I needed to prepare myself mentally which I did and now even though it is tough I feel strong and positive.
Jenni - you made the choice to smoke and now (when your ready) you will make the choice not to smoke. No-one is forcing you - it is your choice. This is the way I'm looking at it and it's helping.
Make a list Jenni about of the benefits of not smoking and then a list of the benefits of smoking...
You can do this hunnie, prepare yourself and when you're ready we are all here for you to support you along the way.
I haven't felt too wonderful today and I know it's just my body complaining at the hammering I've given it with nicotine the past three days. Back to the stench, the lethargy, the headaches, furry teeth, coated tongue, dragon breath in the morning and of course the delightful cough that an emphysemic 90 year old would be proud of. Nope, I'm not even selling it to myself there either! And here's something new, I am actually MORE agitated and stressed when I smoke, go figure.
I was going to finish the pack I bought but they're making me sick, and the smell has me hunting for a wire brush and Dettol.
It's still a scary thought, quitting. It shouldn't be, but it is. A lot of it is not being able to remember who on earth you were before you smoked, there's nothing to compare it to. I was a child when I started, just a baby of 12. Scares the c*** out me to look at my eldest girl who's just 13, so young and fresh and beautiful. It would utterly destroy me to see any of my gorgeous girls with a cigarette in their hand. God blessed me with 3 of them, and what kind of example am I? See your mum there? Yeah, well that's what an addict looks like.
Sh**. I got really upset there.
Can only be a good thing right? Now I see it, see what I am, and see what I have to do. It's going to be a rollercoaster of a journey, but hey, I bought the ticket, I'm on it. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm getting up early, shower off the last of the nicotine guff, slap on a patch and show this monster whose life it is. It's mine and I want it back.
Wish me luck.
And God knows I can never thank anyone here enough.
10 days, you will have the the physical addiction broken.
I will promise you, that no matter how bad you want to try to make it out to be, you will live to tell us all about it!
So how bad is it, just how bad is having cravings for 4,5 or 7 days?
Not near as painful as labor. Not near as painful as a dental shot. Not near as disabling as having the flu. Not nearly as limiting as having a broken arm. In fact there is almost nothing about it that really stops you from doing anything. Take a deep breath, stop feeling sorry for yourself and look forward. 10 days, keep counting.
BTW the cravings only last a few mins, get a second hand watch and check this out. By 10 days on average most people will only have a few strong cravings a day, you are talking 5-8 min of you life a day of feeling a bit uncomfortable, can't you handle that? They will get less frequent every day forward you go too, as long as you find the triggers and build a new coping skill.
Remember these things.
You are not waiting to have another smoke, you are not breaking a 'bad habit'.
You are an addict and you starting a new life as a person who is no longer addicted to nicotine.
Easy no, but not near as hard as dying of lung cancer, put it in perspective.
It will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.
PS another way to look at it. Don't you have cravings for a smoke many times a day right now? Isn't that what reminds you to have a smoke? So what is the big deal? You already live with cravings, day in day out 365 days a year! Arn't there times right now when you have to say no to the craving and skip the smoke? You already know how to do this, don't you? Just skip the smoke and tell that craving to p*** off! 10 days.
If it helps in any way.. check in my signature.. look at the method i quit with in July last year..
patches.
I'm 6 months quit now, and although yes it was challenging still in those early days and weeks, i can wholeheartedly say that the support you can gain from a friendly forum like this can truly make a massive difference to your experience while quitting.
The real work while quitting is done by you, you will still get cravings, and you will experience highs and lows too.. all experience.. and you will very likely find many have experienced it before and perhaps have one or two tips for you too.. so share your experience, don't be afraid to ask questions and who knows? you may even find yourself able to help others too, which can also serve to help you in your own quit as you put your own advice into words as you become more confident.
Good luck for tomorrow, i wish you well and of course.. success.
And you're right Downunder, I was feeling extremely sorry for myself when I posted last, but hey, I've had an average night's sleep, got up, showered, ferried kids about, stuck on a patch, went a 5 mile hike with my friend and the dogs, eaten some healthy feel good foods, drunk plenty water and guess what? I feel absolutely fantastic That's not to say that I didn't, just for a nanosecond this morning, contemplate raking the wheelie bin for the cigarettes I ripped up last night though!
It's ridiculously early days I know, but I figured last night that this is going to be as hard as I want it to be.
Onwards and upwards my friends. Off to bake a birthday cake I really wish i hadn't agreed to make, but clearly it's going to keep me occupied for next few hours.
Reading your posts...Gave me a boost... What you said about feeding the monster...How many is enough...It is never enough! Never looked at it that way it is only limited to how much our poor bodies can take.
Keep up the good work...Day 5 for me and feeling ok...Get headaches from time to time but I'm gonna go on a walk later and clear my head...Maybe hit the GYM...Exercise makes me feel so much better...
Seems only two minutes since I joined this forum and here I am on day 5...
night's sleep, got up, showered, ferried kids about, stuck on a patch, went a 5 mile hike with my friend and the dogs, eaten some healthy feel good foods, drunk plenty water and guess what? I feel absolutely fantastic
thats pretty much the formular folks! Good on you jenni, it takes some people months, if not years, to get to that point
Well done to you Defrog - Day 6 tomorrow! Yeah i guess what my slip showed me was that the monster moans his face off constantly anyway, whether you feed him or not, so why bother feeding him?
And bman and Nige, genuine thanks for your support, it means the world.
:)Hi Jenni, I just had a read through this thread. It's going to take more guts to go through this time because in your mind you think you failed the first time. We all know, including you, that's a load bo**ocks, you did not fail you just did not succeed. This time you are more determind to succeed and I personally think you will.
One very important point you are doing this for you, your family, yours and your familys' health and happiness. You are not doing this for us, you don't have to please us. We are just here to give you support and help and to quote my words from earlier;
how many times have you done something for the first time, like an exam, a challenge of some kind and you feel if I could try that again I could do better. Well giving up the cigs is the same you've had a go do you think you could make a better job of it the next time?
You have a really good night for tomorrow's a smaller day than today.
Great to have you back again. You can come and hang off my arm anytime! Day 8 for me, feeling ok just about. If I can do it so can you!!!!!! I'll check you tomorrow and make sure your still hanging in there!
My dear Jack, I think I'm going to vote you a national treasure. The interest you take in others, the support and friendship and fantastic advice you offer, even while going through your own hard times, is absolutely awe inspiring.
I think I'll do it this time too. One day at a time.
And Ness my love, have that arm at the ready! Well done you, 8 days is amazing! See you all tomorrow, I'm off to land of nod
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Highly Addicted to Nicorette Quickmist
Addicted to Nicorette Quickmist
21 days!!!and I have a confession
