i didnt mean to be this emotional on this bloody site but **** it,i know none of you i need to vent.
its funny reading all these posts of people saying yay i have acheived this or that and being (as they should be) self satisfied.
my experience of quitting isnt that positive,i think im very much in the minority at the 4 and half month stage for anyone who is trying to motivate themselves,normally at this point you are so smug and happy its almost sickening so please dont demotivate yourself from my rant,its purely personal and deranged.
for the first month it was will power and quite exciting in a horrible way then it started,a weird break down on a train that ended the next day (after many many tears) in palpatations that were really scary,this was out of the blue,i was doing too well.
from then the anxiety grew and grew and grew and grew.
i was curt and angry,if i was a stand up idve been amazing i was answering people sentences before they had finished them,generally with a sharp and cruel joke till eventually i snapped,it over flowed until one day (start of november) i was cooking and trying to control it i turned ,stabbed a wall ( it didnt prosecute) and sat in a ball and cried.
i spent a month and a half between crying anger and despair to the extreme and a strange manic euphoria on rare occassions.
mostly i felt anger followed by guilt and then a distant strange feeling that would normally be disturbing but in comparison was quite tranquil.
this settles,unfortunately for me not to me being myself again but i lost the manic side of the anger and settled into a desert of just plain unsweetened anger,the fuse is just as short but i am not as energetic,its far easier to cope with but i cant trust myself.
being a pacifist this is almost funny,i got abuse from some little shits up the road,hardly worth a mention in normal life,i really wanted to take a stroll up that road waiting for a comment so i could twat the little shits,well if obama can win the nobel peace prize....?
the last month i cope better with the anger ( i know the triggers better) but its still so overwhelming and now the depression has started,i knew it would,noone could possibly go through that rollercoaster without depression coming to visit.
tears,despair tht subsides then i feel really ****ing silly but tonight (and this is why im venting on here) i felt somethign far worse.
anyone who has has had the misfortune to suffer with depression may know this feeling,its scary to feel scared but eventually you reach a stage where you almost do not care anymore,its like a tunnel vision feeling,this is how low my addiction mental withdrawal has gone,im clever enough to know that its that pointless drug missing after 20 years mixed with a rather raw emoional mind than the fact i should put me of that pointless drug in my body yet i am barely coping.
anyway its a negative post but the best songs we sing along to are anthemically depressing,this is what is uplifting that we share the same pains,maybe someone is going through the same as me.
if i can abstain anyone can!
love and luck people.