venting pain and anthems

i didnt mean to be this emotional on this bloody site but **** it,i know none of you i need to vent.

its funny reading all these posts of people saying yay i have acheived this or that and being (as they should be) self satisfied.

my experience of quitting isnt that positive,i think im very much in the minority at the 4 and half month stage for anyone who is trying to motivate themselves,normally at this point you are so smug and happy its almost sickening so please dont demotivate yourself from my rant,its purely personal and deranged.

for the first month it was will power and quite exciting in a horrible way then it started,a weird break down on a train that ended the next day (after many many tears) in palpatations that were really scary,this was out of the blue,i was doing too well.

from then the anxiety grew and grew and grew and grew.

i was curt and angry,if i was a stand up idve been amazing i was answering people sentences before they had finished them,generally with a sharp and cruel joke till eventually i snapped,it over flowed until one day (start of november) i was cooking and trying to control it i turned ,stabbed a wall ( it didnt prosecute) and sat in a ball and cried.

i spent a month and a half between crying anger and despair to the extreme and a strange manic euphoria on rare occassions.

mostly i felt anger followed by guilt and then a distant strange feeling that would normally be disturbing but in comparison was quite tranquil.

this settles,unfortunately for me not to me being myself again but i lost the manic side of the anger and settled into a desert of just plain unsweetened anger,the fuse is just as short but i am not as energetic,its far easier to cope with but i cant trust myself.

being a pacifist this is almost funny,i got abuse from some little shits up the road,hardly worth a mention in normal life,i really wanted to take a stroll up that road waiting for a comment so i could twat the little shits,well if obama can win the nobel peace prize....?

the last month i cope better with the anger ( i know the triggers better) but its still so overwhelming and now the depression has started,i knew it would,noone could possibly go through that rollercoaster without depression coming to visit.

tears,despair tht subsides then i feel really ****ing silly but tonight (and this is why im venting on here) i felt somethign far worse.

anyone who has has had the misfortune to suffer with depression may know this feeling,its scary to feel scared but eventually you reach a stage where you almost do not care anymore,its like a tunnel vision feeling,this is how low my addiction mental withdrawal has gone,im clever enough to know that its that pointless drug missing after 20 years mixed with a rather raw emoional mind than the fact i should put me of that pointless drug in my body yet i am barely coping.

anyway its a negative post but the best songs we sing along to are anthemically depressing,this is what is uplifting that we share the same pains,maybe someone is going through the same as me.

if i can abstain anyone can!

love and luck people.

Dean

12 Replies

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  • Not sure if I can tell you anything you've not heard before, Dean. I had a hard time in the beginning, too.... I think it's real easy to get caught up in negative emotions such as anger and depression early in a quit when you feel deprived and you feel that constant 'something is missing'.... you've got to break out of that bad cycle. There are ways.... exercise is one good way, eating healthy, meditation, etc.... in some cases, meds (temporarily) may help.

    I don't know how you view your quit. Do you feel relieved to not have to be a slave to your addiction.... you must.... otherwise you would have started again a long time ago?

    I'm no professional..... if you're feeling this bad, my best suggestion is to maybe see someone who is qualified. I do hope you figure out a way to feel better.

  • im 4 and half months in,is this early? i cant smoke anymore,i was getting very ill physically,although mental illness is far worse than general physical illness its better than dying and i believe there is light at the end of this tunnel,though it seems little more than a dot right now.

    maybe i shouldnt have done it cold turkey (being a vege that shouldve been a bad omen).

    thank you very much for the kind words though.

  • i have a background of depression (though i thought the extreme part of that was over a decade ago) i think smoking masked many insecurities and anxieties i forgot were there.

    i was prescribed diazepam and though i like having it there i refuse to take it.

    just a side note,****ign hell im constipated,i could get richard branson over the atlantic!!!

  • Well... again, I'm no professional but if it was me, I would take the meds during the worst of times...... it would take the edge off for you and help you see things more calmly and clearly.... I think that you're gonna be just fine though....

    Constipation? There are threads for this all over the forum! Last one I saw sounded something like 'I can't poop' :o Hate toilet talk though.... best ask someone else for advice on that ;)

    You be good.... signing off for tonight.... being quit is a good thing, learn to see it that way and I'm certain you'll feel better!

  • Hi Dean :D

    I'm sorry you've suffered this much for this long and it sounds a bit excessive to me

    I'm not a Dr and in no way can I give medical advice only an opinion OK

    I really think you need professional help with this deep depression you seem to have

    Please go and see your Dr ASAP he/she can for sure help with this and get you back on an even keel again

    Love

    Marg xx

  • I agree with Magareth you need to seek professional help. You dont need to suffer like that. Well done on your quit. but don't try and tough it out with the depression, its a different ball game.

  • Hi Dean. I really feel for you. I have suffered from depression in the past, and you really sound like the black dog is hanging around. Please get some medical help, even if it's some talking therapy rather than drugs. As Smoky Bear says, this is a different ball game from the usual quit blues.

    Let us know how you're getting on. We're all here to support you.

    L xx

  • Hey Dean

    I have had a history of anxiety and depression, mainly years ago. Depression is worse than any physical pain i have ever had. I decided that the worst episodes were caused by substances i was partaking of at the time (not terribly heavily even) so i quit all things i should not have been doing. Drugs etc.seemed to take my natural tendencies into extreme mental land. I really thought at one point i was having a mental breakdown.

    A couple of years ago I decided to quit smoking. My lifelong probs with depression and anxiety seemed to have become mild but chronic. I seemed stuck in a slightly depressive state of not feeeling very much, no motivation or joy in life. Not bad enough to affect me going to work or anything but i didn't enjoy life at all. everyday was blaaaaah. I decided to quit because i wanted to be a lot healthier and i wanted to see how that was affected- I had beeeen in this frame of mind for a long time, plus ironically depression can be caused by addictions and smoking (rationally injaling 4000 poisons cannot be good)

    I can say now that my moods are much on an even keel and i feel positive about life and new things in a way that i haven't since i was a kid- which is what i was trying to achieve. But there was a rebound depression and slight increase in anxiety on giving up til everything stabilised a bit.

    I think i used cigarettes to try to manage depression and anxiety, but ironiaclly they were probably contributing in some way. They stopped really working along the way, leaving a permanently off kilter brain, but no real extremes. Smoking is a drug addiction after all. Nobody can have a good quality of life with a drug adddiction.

    I tried a total health thing eating really healthily, mega vitamins, giving up rubbish food etc.

    I totally recommend a high dose mega multi vit from the health food shop, because you need it to make dopamine which you were probably seeking a temporary hiyt of from cigarettes.

    I agree that you sound to be in the clinically depressed category though so instead of suffering like this go to the docs. But keep up with making healthy changes as much as possible to diet and lifestyle because i've discovered thats really where the answer lies and not as i thought for a long time in cigarettes, drugs, booze , chocs or something else.....

  • Dean, after my 3rd month and into my 4th, I hit a really rough patch where nothing seemed right with the world as far as i was concerned, i felt a deep sadness of which sunk my feeling of wellbeing to a very low level, and well i'm sure you feel the same, you just don't want to be 'there'. Thankfully for me i caught the symptoms early and I came out the other side just prior to christmas just gone.. but it has left a memory of a way of feeling that i would not want to revisit again if i can at all help it.

    I concur with the above suggestions re consulting a doctor as you have symptoms of which we are not really equipped to fully assist with even on a support forum such as this. many folk (myself included) will have experienced something similar to what you are going through, but the reality is every single quit is different due to we as people being so very different also. What works for one person may not necessarily work for another.

    I would definitely seek advice on the symptoms from your doctor as they are in the best position to advise medically here.

    Let us know how you get on.

    Jase

  • Hi Dean

    I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Dont apologise for the rant...we all need one from time to time.

    It is bloody hard this quit smoking lark and I really feel for your struggle. Depression seems to be a very real and painful side effect of the quit and ther are many of us on here who have/are suffering with it so please believe me you are not on your own here.

    I would speak to your doc though as it seems that the blackness has really got its grip on you. I am still a stoppy cow from time to time but not as much as month 2 and feel I can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

    Keep strong Dean and as one of the self satisfying "happy" people on here, I do empathise.

    L xx

  • Hi. I quit in feb. July is diagnosed with severe depression. I was hell bent on destroying everyone around me, I felt terribly sad and angry and couldn't handle anything. I went to doc but opted for counselling. I'm not blaming it all on quitting smoking but I did discover i'd lost my 'time out' . Time i'd fill up on nicotine whilst also escaping the children or other stressful situations. Being a smoker most of my life meant this was the only way I knew how to deal with lifes challenges. All it took was finding one nice thing to do for myself each day to calm me down. And the knowledge that smoking wouldn't help. Life is now good. And smoke free, but of course it will never be fully stress free! Enjoy your quit. It will get better. X

  • thanks for all the advice and kind words,im still suffering but feel a little more rational and clear than i was a few days ago.

    the nausea seems worse than ever and the anxiety has definately turned into depression but assuming its main trigger is quitting (its very likely thats the case) i am sure it will level out eventually,nothing is worse i think than being trapped in it with no light at the end of the tunnel.

    the doctor has reffered me to a psychiatrist but as usual with these things it takes a long time,ill let you all know how i get on and if anyone needs to talk about similar problems im happy to help if i can.

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