No Smoking Day

Mid-Week Joke


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many

Kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three

Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions".


"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how

Many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes

Through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,

Mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but

Reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

4 Replies


A schoolteacher challenges her class 8 year olds with a language task - the correct answer means they can go home early.

The task - construct a sentence using the word "Contagious".

The first pupil to raise her hand is Mary, in the front row.

"My sister has chickenpox, and I can't go near her because it is contagious."

"Very good, Mary - you may collect your things and leave."

Next up is David.

"My brother has the measles, and that's contagious so I have to stay out of his bedroom"

"Very good, David - you may also leave for the day."

Johnny raises his hand - you know the type... chewing gum, leather jacket, earring.

"My neighbour had a lorry load of manure delivered yesterday, and my Dad said 'it'll take that c*** ages to shift that'"


Help I'm stuck

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you



All very Good!lol


Subject: How to give a cat a pill

Hi all,

One of my all time favourites... Enjoy.

How to Give a Cat a Pill (followed by How to Give a Dog a Pill)

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if

holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of

cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in

right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop in the pill. Allow cat to close

mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in

left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle!

cat in left arm, holding

rear paws tightly wi

th left hand. Force open the jaws and push pill to

back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call

spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and

rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill

down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigourously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, and get another pill from foil

wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully

sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth, and set aside for

gluing l!


8. Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with head just

visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force

cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one

beer to take awy taste of pill. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and

remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another

beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head

showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat

with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and replace cupboard !

door on hinges.

Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scot

ch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold

compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus

shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another

shot. Throw away tee-shirt and fetch another one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve ****ing cat from tree across the

road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to

avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrapper.

13. Tie the little sod’s front paws with garden twine and bind tightly

to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push

pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough

about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of wat!

er down throat

to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the

emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm,

and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in at furniture shop on

the way home, to order new dining table.

15. Place “Free Mutant Cat from Hell” ad in local newspaper and ring

local pet shop to see if they have any bunnies.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.


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