I need advice please. I’m the sole bread winner in my family. For some reasons k own to him alone, my husband does not work and has not been working for the past 7 years. He keeps saying he’s searching for a job but everyone I know searching for a job seems to get one except him and we live in a country with endless job opportunities. He would start a certification and then start another one straight after. Or he would say he’s interested in farming this month and next month he’s interested in Binance or bitcoins, then all of a sudden he’s learning web security and watching countless YouTube videos.
since I started dialysis, I have had to cut down my working hours to just 2 days a week as I don’t have the energy and time anymore due to my countless hospital appointment and treatments. I’m worried that when it’s time for my kids to go to college which is in 5 years time, we won’t have the money to pay for their university fees. People I know have savings for their childrens college funds and I have discussed this with him but he can’t seem to think that far ahead. We are in debt due to me being the only one working partime. This gives me some serious anxieties and I am scared for the future. My kids are smart and they might want to go to university but I may not be able to pay for it. I hear him say sometimes that they may get a scholarship but why would you not plan to be able to pay for your kids education fees and just depend on scholarship that’s very competitive and a slim chance of getting it.
I wake up crying, thinking about the future. I wish I can work more days and save money for my kids but it’s too much pressure on me. I don’t want to fail my children. However he has no plans of working or getting a job anytime soon. This is too much for my health. I have regrets of marrying this man and I pray God gives me a solution as I don’t know what to do.
any advice?
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I think you know what to do.... you just want someone else to validate it. Why would you allow this man to live off you while you are sick and trying your best to keep it together? Does he do all the housekeeping and shopping and taking care of the kids for you while you are working or going to dialysis? Is there anything he brings to the marriage that cannot be replaced by someone better? What does he contribute to the marriage and the kids? Tough questions I know. If you can answer these with positive results, then I would suggest counseling or having a deep conversation with him about getting some sort of job. But...I do not know this man, but from what you are saying, I doubt he would do counseling and I doubt he will change. Why does he not want to work and support the family? Seven years is a pretty good indicator that he is set in his ways of not working, having an income to contribute and living off your kindness. The longer he stays unemployed, the harder it will be for him to get employed.
But you have to think about your health. While he is draining the coffers on certificates and other useless things, he is also draining you of your energy. I am imagining that he is too busy studying for whatever to be able to help out? Am I right?
I suggest for you, you find some support in a counselor for yourself. One thing to think of.... the money he is spending on certificates instead of looking for a job could go to the children's college funds.
I would ask this shiftless man to pull his weight or leave.
You need much more support from him or is he waiting for you to qualify for sickness pay that he can live on that too? The UK DWP will assist you. Go to your Renal Social Worker at the hospital where you are a patient and she/he will assist you in your financial trials.
Bassetmommer has said everything very politely. I am not so polite. You must come first as you are unwell. He needs to look after you and help, with income and domestic duties pretty sharpish or find somewhere else to live.
I will checkout any other financial support I can receive from the renal unit as I already receive PIP.
My husband does help with chores and the kids, he also sometimes help with emptying my drain bag and lifting the heavy fluid bags. However, he uses this to make me feel guilty and call me ungrateful whenever I ask him to get a job, saying he already does a lot and I’m ungrateful. I carry around a lot of guild that I am not meant to be carrying because of this man.
I have been putting myself first and using money I would usually allow him have to do things for myself and my kids. Initially he didn’t take it lightly and he sulked for a long time until he saw that he’s not receiving handouts from me anymore. Now he sees our universal credit as his income but he’s aware he needs to pay bills with it. I try telling him it’s not his income, it’s benefit. If he was working like he’s meant to be, we won’t need to be receiving the benefits but he always has something to say to back up his bullshit. I can never win any arguement or conversation with him. I always just let to sit I don’t get stressed even more.
Thanks for all your suggestions. He quite some chores around the house such as cooking, dishes, laundry, dropping of kids at extra curriculum, shopping etc. I do all these things too and still work. He also helps me bring out my heavy dialysis bag from the store sometimes and empty my drain bags down the toilet in the morning. Whenever I bring up his joblessness situation and try to make him see reasons and encourage him to get a job to help with our debts and bills, he goes on about everything else he does around the house. Saying things like I’m ungrateful and putting too much pressure on him. At the end of the day, I don’t k ow if I should feel guilty or if I’m doing the right thing by bringing the issue up. The point it, I can never make him see reasons. And I always feel uncomfortable and unease that he doesn’t have a job. I have started to even loose the sexual attraction I have for him due to him just sitting at home on the system daily, pretending he’s earning pennies on crypto currency while I hustle despite all I’m going through. The annoying thing is that he tells everybody like friends and family who ask that he has a job while I just keep quiet and agree to his lies because I don’t want to embarrass him. There was even a time he told me that it’s because of me he hasn’t found a job because he has to look after the kids while I get a degree, work and while I’m sick at hospital. It’s my sickness that’s stopping him from getting a job and that all his friends who work don’t have sick wives. That felt like a sharp pain in my heart and really damaged my self esteem. I’m always carrying this guilt on my shoulder but deep down inside me, I know it’s his manipulative tactics.
He would never ever consider therapy as I have begged him to come with for counselling several times but he insisted NO. I think he knows what he’s putting me through and doesn’t want us to discuss it with a third party who would agree with me. He is willing to expose me as the bad person that accept his shortcomings. I’m scared of leaving cos the kids love their dad but I spend days and nights unhappy. I just feel stuck right now. I know what to do but don’t know how to do it.
I spent some time thinking about your situation. I know you know what you need to do. I would make a few suggestions for you. But this is a really awful place to be, but I think for your mental health and well being....well you really know what to do. The first suggestions is get your kids, if you have an older ones, to help with the supplies for your dialysis. Get them involved in chores according to their abilities. They can do dishes, and clean and they need those skills as adults. Do not let their father be their role model. They need to know you need them and they need to know that sitting on their butts, like their father, is not acceptable. And they might actually want to help. If they are younger, I am not sure what they can do, but engage them.
Next, this is important. Prepare to separate. Make a plan. Get it in your head before you do. That is what I did. I squirreled away money and sent it to my brother who held on to it. It was not reportable when we divorced. I made sure to not have any credit or debts that we shared, other than the house, which I know he did not want. Make sure he has not put you on anything without your permission. Close all accounts if you have joint ones and get your own credit now. Pay off what you can if you do have joint ones and close them. If you cannot pay them off, get yourself off the accounts. If he asks why you are doing this, just say you want to establish a credit history of your own.
Talk to a lawyer. Even if you do not go through with it, they can make sure you are protected from any liabilities this jerk may have put you in. Also ask if they think you can get childcare from him. (I would doubt it because nothing from nothing is still nothing) Ask about the cost of divorce and make a plan to engage when you are ready.
Look at your housing costs. Since he is not contributing, you should be ok financially to stay where you are. Look at transportation and other liabilities that you may have jointly. Plan now to become independent.
You go talk to a counselor. I did that and about the second visit, she simply said, "get rid of him". (meaning my ex)
Even if you never do officially divorce, you have a plan in place. Something you said that was a real sign of the value this man has..... He lies about having a job. So, he knows he should have a job, but you have allowed him to get away with this behavior. Ouch, I know that hurt but it's the truth.
Lastly, keep your plans to yourself. If he gets wind of being tossed, he might do something that would be devastating. This man is not stable. Do not share your plans with anyone as if they slip, it will not go well. I am sure if he finds out that you are going to dumb him out on his lazy butt, he will retaliate. I did not think my ex would when I served him, because he was the one to bring up divorce first. But oh no, it became a competition to him to see how much he could screw me. I won because I had planned. I got the house, which I sold and bought a better house in my village which has tripled in value and I own out right. I went back to university and got all the way through a Masters. My ex was totally against me going back to school. I have a wonderful husband now with whom I will be celebrating 17 years married, 20 together. I am financially stable and was able to retire early. And my hubby supports me completely with what I am going through with dialysis to the point he is learning how to do it. There are much better fish out there and you need to find someone better. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
You have spoken well. Lucky to have found someone better to share your life with ❤️
It’s a very difficult decision I have to make. Leaving him is in the top of my list, I’ve asked to leave before and he promised to work things out with me but once he became comfy, he just settled back into his arsehole ways.
I know I allowed a lot of things which I regret. Because if I have not allowed them, I would have left since 2017. I didn’t want to be nagging about everything because there are issues with a lot of things with this man. Even the things he does around the house, he treats it as if he’s doing me a favour.
My kids are very well independent for their age 10, 12 and 16. They cook clean and follow a rota for chores around the house. They also sometimes help with dialysis when I ask.
Another thing is I have this fear of being alone. This marriage has really damaged my self esteem. I love having someone to share life with, not in the way I am doing it now with my husband obviously. Someone who has similar values with me but I always feel no one will want me anymore. I feel used, incomplete and unloved all the time. God and My kids are my motivation to keep going.
Thanks for your advice, I will Start drafting my plan.
I see that you live in the UK. I live in the United States so realize that our university systems and student financial aid options are likely different.
However, I’m a university professor. Part of my job involves student advising. Many of my advisees come from families that cannot afford to pay for their children’s university costs. Of course, I try to help them find scholarships. But for many, a scholarship simply isn’t enough financial support.
Our campus has a food pantry for our food insecure students. That is very helpful. In addition, many of my advisees work either on campus or throughout the community. The community works with our campus to post job openings throughout the community and hosts community job fairs on campus where business owners can come to interview prospective employees on campus.
Finally, like all universities in the United States, we have a financial aid office. They help students learn about and apply for scholarships as well as various low interest student loans or federal grants.
So, I would encourage you to contact universities in your area to see how they provide financial support for students from families who are not able to pay for their education.
My father became seriously ill 3 weeks before I was to start at university. He was not expected to live. He wouldn’t rest until his doctor helped him call the financial aid director, Carroll Beardsley, at the campus I was to attend. I met with Mr. Beardsley that day as we drove home from the hospital. I was embarrassed. He was all business. He had pulled together a full financial aid package for me. It included on campus work-study employment for 20 hours a week, a grant, and an NDSL student loan which would not need to be repaid if I taught in a school serving impoverished students for 4 years after graduation. I had to return my scholarship to qualify and also had to claim myself as independent rather than remaining as a dependent of my parents.
He said two things to me at the end of the appointment:
1. I’m here specifically to support students like you. It’s why I love getting up in the morning and coming to work.
2. There is no shame in receiving financial support ever, especially when it is necessary due to medical problems.
He set an appointment for me to see him after the first month on campus and sent me home to pack.
I saw him every semester while in school. But he stayed in touch after I graduated. He came to all my commencements: undergraduate, masters, and doctorate. He passed away a few years after I completed my doctorate.
What an amazing person! My life would have been completely different without his work as my financial aid officer.
Please, do a little research. Contact local universities to see what they do to support students in the UK. You may be pleasantly surprised. It may lessen some stress for you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s an amazing story. Thanks for your suggestions, I’ll do my research and start checking on funding available for their further education.
This guy seems like having an extra toe on your foot, worthless. Look, this is a true curiosity for me and not a judgment. I'll bet that after you had your 1st child he showed his true colors or you saw the red flags before you married him and rationalized them. I cannot understand in my little pea brain why women keep having more children in these circumstances. As the late great warrior Queen Tina Turner sang, "What's Love Got to do With It?" Just because you love someone does NOT mean they are the best partner for a person. Please get rid of him, but as you can see, he will not be paying child maintenance. Your life is harder with him than without him. You too can be a warrior Queen!
I actually wish I saw the red flags. He was working when I met him. The only thing I noticed then which I didn’t think was a problem was that he was not ambitious like I was. He was comfortable in his low income paying job and was not bothered to look for a better one until I asked him to and he was willing to and almost got one but we moved to another country and then I’ve had all my kids. Then All he wanted to do was study and gather certifications and I was happy thinking the end result was going to be getting a good job but that wasn’t the case. You think you know someone until you don’t know them.
I’m a practical person and don’t mix love in certain situations cos I have always known that love is not enough. Unfortunately I have found myself in a position I never imagined I would.
Put your "big girl panties" on and tell him to go to 7-11 and get a job or he can find another chef, housekeeper, bill payer, accountant and cargiver of his children. Why should you support someone who is not willing to take care of you or his children. Shame on him. He is not the man. You have become the man of the house and now it is your turn to step down and DEMAND that he step up! I don't know what country you live in, but in the U.S. you can file for disability. Look in to it. It will support y ou and your children while you cannot. DO NOT continue to support the bum.
I’m in a tough situation. He helps with the kids and house chores. He also helps with lifting my heavy dialysis bags of fluids and emptying my drain bags, helping me with my injection too. So when I ask him to get a job, he uses these things as a bargaining chip. He would say I’m putting him under pressure after all he does in the house and for me so why don’t I give him time to get a job he likes. I’m like I’ve given you 7 years plus, please get something for now until you find what you want. It’s frustrating. So I don’t know if I’m meant to feel guilty or if I’m a bad person for asking my husband to get a job. I’m just fed up.
DO NOT feel guilty. Tell him to put his big girl panties on and take any job. It is easier to find the job you want when you have a job. My friend is going to have a double masectomy and her husband (who faked Diabetese) is on disability and she has been laid off. Told me that he needs to be there to take care of her. Well, if you don't have a roof over your head or food to eat let me know how that is working for you. Good luck. Stay strong. You are in my prays.
If you are in the United States, you and your children would qualify for disability. Each child under 18 would receive a check ea month as well as yourself. If you get a transplant and can work again, you’ll go off it. If not in the US perhaps your country has something similar.
I’m receiving the equivalent of a disability check in the UK. I just think if he works it would go a long way and take the pressure off me as I’m the only k e that thinks and talks about our kids future.
I suspect thst having your husbabd around even though he doesn't contribute financial offers some comfort/support to you. And, given his history, it is likely that he's not going to find a job ON HIS OWN. He just may not have the skills on how to do it. I worked 25+ years trying to help people deemed unemployable through goverment agencies set up to provide such help (Division of Vocation Rehabilitation) here in the USA. It's amazing how many able-bodied people just don't know how to become employed. Does UK have any similar agencies and more important would he consider going there for help? Give it a try.Now, back to you. You got good advice from Jayhawker about how to think about your children's future education. But, eventually, they have to be involved and look into things themselves. It's good for their maturity to do things for themselves. Why do I think you've been Earth Mother all these years doing everything for everyone. Stop. Now, you have to do things for yourself and your health. How old are your kids. Are they able to get part-time jobs? Are they able to help around the house?
As I see it, you would benefit from seeing a counselor to help you get your priorities straightened out. Is this available for you without cost? You have to try to stop being so responsible for everyone and take care of yourself. I know it's easy for me to say
Still, given your history, this is not going to be easy for you and that's why I think you need a support counselor to guide you in this process. Your anxiety is almost palpable about all these issues and we all know, it can't be good for your medical problems.
Not knowing what's available in UK, I can only suggest things and hope they're available where you are. Keep us posted. Hoping some of our suggestions will help you. Also sending prayers, positive thoughts, and best wishes.
Thank you for your kind wishes and suggestions. He has attended several employment programmes and I even asked him to do some volunteering jobs for experience. He’s a certified software engineer but could not find a job in this field ever since he got his certification 7 years ago even though he has had several certifications after that so I lost count.
I am receiving disability allowance but he would expect me to put it towards bill sch he is meant to be paying had it been he’s got a job. He would tell me the money is not for me, it’s for us so I have to put it towards our bills. So I often find myself not even benefiting from my disability allowance. However I have recently stopped doing this. My kids are 10, 12 and 17 so they do help with chores around the house and I have been pushing them to be independent since they were younger. I have no problem with them. However they see that their dad doesn’t work which is not a very good influence in them. I try to teach them to work hard and smart for all they want. They see without me even telling them that me and their dad are not on the same page.
I will keep you posted whatever I decide to do or whatever happens.
Ok, as a certified software engineer, he allegedly has the skills to secure employment in the highly needed area. So, I'm thinking is has to be other "skills" that he does not have. Do your employment agencies help client with those skills.? From your comments, he seems as if he may some personality/mental health issues. Do your vocational agencies help practice interviewing skills? You know as person can have good work skills, but they can lack self-cofidence, have low self-esteem, be anxious about using their skills adequately, etc. I think his having "good work skills" could be a liable for him. He may be afraid to engage with them and that's why he prefers low-paying jobs. I can only recommend that he be urged to get involved in some counseling where there would be NEUTRAL person involved in helping his deal with this work situation. There is way too much tension between the both of you now to probably solve this problem. Just saying "go out and get a job" is not doing to do it and its not going to find out what he simply can't do it. Its good that he helps with house chores and your dialysis needs. That's certainly a plus. BTW you can't fault anyone for not being ambitious. Some people just aren't and it doesn't make them a bad person. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Your kids are old enough to help you with those dialysis bags etc and to do some of the household chores. You need to send him to the store and change the locks while he is gone. See a divorce lawyer and get going on this. You will be much less stressed and more able to cope without this weed smoking burden.
You will need to be careful about divorce also....Not sure how it is in UK, but in US it can be common that in Divorce the couple will have to split all assests...which would include your home and finances...You need to talk to a Divorce Attorney and get yourself protected and learn what your Rights are. Not sure how old your kids are, but being on Dialysis could prevent you from having Custody of your Children
I’m not even angry about what you said. You are right. He is not an alcoholic but he smokes weed on a daily basis. Another topic I can’t touch on without him saying I want to control him. He doesn’t think he’s addicted to weed as he would tell me it’s legal in the states and there’s nothing wrong with it. This guy would rather spend money on weed than buy a winter coat for his son. I can’t even begin to talk about that as I don’t have enough space for it.
He may also be bipolar, who knows. He refused to se a counsellor.
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