I try to prepare dinner for my husband, but he is so hard to please. He can't eat this or he won't eat that, but won't make any meal requests. Then I got CKD with some serious diet restrictions. I don't think he's ever taken it that seriously. To appease him I would continue to eat somewhat like him. ButI began cutting out most salt and putting the salt shaker on the table for him. He wouldn't use it, and I know he was just suffering through things he didn't like when he could have been adjusting with herbs and spices.
I finally told him he would have to figure out what he wants, bring things home, and I would cook them the best I can. That works for awhile.
Then last night I ate some bacon in a restaurant with him, salted butter, the whole works. Later my B/P was 164 over ? I am so angry with him today, I just want to bawl with frustration. I know it's my responsibility to take care of myself, not his, but his doctors get onto me if I don't feed him enough. Have you ever gone through anything like this? I am 80 and he is 85.
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Ladyprudence
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So sorry to hear what you are going through; it sounds really tough.Do you think that maybe your husband just doesn't want to accept reality and the changes you need to make? Maybe he is having a hard time dealing with reality.
That won't help you, of course, and it seems like you have done your best to be accomodating. Have you told him how hard it is for you, and that you wish he would make life easier for you?
Mich, I think he's being obtuse for some reason, and you may have guessed correctly.
Blessedly our budget allows for each of us to eat everything we want or must. He likes to drive a lot and is welcome to go out and eat to his heart's content without hurting my feelings. We could even have a few meals a month at church if he would do that.
But he wants me to cook; it makes him feel secure or something.
What is beginning to work a little is to tell him that I won't sit around trying to dream up meals for him and other meals for me. That I will put a meal on the table with food that I'm allowed, and he is more than welcome to join me. I must back up what I say. I think I'm the one who must make the attitude and lifestyle adjustments, because I'm the one complaining.
Your life requires you to cook for your health! If he doesn't want to use the salt shaker, that's on him! I know how hard it is for older men to be set their ways, I'm dealing with that too. But it's harder for me because he does the cooking and I'm disabled. Don't give up!
Thanks, Chicablue. I think he's done a good job last night and today. He talked about some spiral ham for supper tonight, and I said that although I cannot eat it, I hoped he would pick some up for himself. He did, and we're both happy. This is the way it should be.
my husband compromises.he wont eat what i cant and i dont eat what he cant.we re both diabetic and i am 3b so somehow its managed to even out our diet.
S_dillow, thanks for your idea. Do you ever feel deprived with that plan, because it's hard enough to find foods that I can have. Would hate to give them up..... But it sounds like it works fine for you.
I too am in 80s and do have ckd 3b and placed on rigid diet which I track. Davita has kidney diet tracking and many recipes. My wife was disabled and I did the cooking and would make 2 sets of meals. I would fix her the regular hamburger and I would fix turkey burgers etc. It worked out as she got what she needed and I what I needed.
In FL we have Food With Care which does have kidney friendly frozen food and for other diets too.
I think my compromise is to cook what he wants, and his compromise is to tell me what he wants so I can cook it. I really do like to cook, even if it's simple foods, and there are still several things safe for me to eat. And about the bacon, nobody forced me to eat it. I just got scared and blamed him. Glad I didn't actually say anything.
As a sidebar, the only thing both my doctors are adamant about is the salt. I can still have SOME potassium, protein, so forth.
Maybe he just cannot accept that you have a medical condition that requires some alterations in life style ? He may not see you as ill which is often the case with ckd and therefore does not see you as ill. That may at least be part of it. You have to take care of YOURSELF.
I'm sure that's partly true, renegade70. We both have serious illnesses, and evidently decided along the way not to talk about them all the time. That keeps us from getting on each other's nerves. And if I make these necessary changes we're all talking about I still won't have to talk about them. He'll catch on. We've both already been adjusting just in the past week. Can't tell you how much I appreciate you all for your feedback.
You cannot let your illnesses or conditions take over your entire life. Sorry i repeated myself in my last entry, have to do a better job proof reading. Take care.Keep a good attitude.
it is tough when you have spoiled him all these yers.. let him cook his own meals or go hungry...lol... bet he wont starve..womens liberation means liberating the men to the stove.. washing machine and vacuum..when my sons were yourng and they knew how to run a computer or video game they did their own laundry... and if they ended up with pink derware they wore them that way...made them more independent and elf reliant
Cheers for pink underwear! We've had our share of those. I guess I should give him a break here and say he has taken care of me for 60 years. He was taught certain things about men and women's roles, and his mom was a shining example. I put my foot down at ironing his boxers though.
Thanks for the pep talk, kellyscats1. I needed that.
You are correct in that it's not up to him to care for you. But, on the other hand it's not up to you to care for him. Let him cook his own meals if he doesn't like what you fix. He's a big boy and can do it himself. Please don't tear yourself into a knot because of him. That's not good for your BP either.
Morning Lady Prudence. I went through something like this with my husband. I am on the transplant list and told to lose some weight. I was trying to eat healthier meals like salads, which my husband was not a fan of. I would be eating my food and he eould be eating his. His was anything breaded with oven chips 🙄🙄🙄 I could have screamed in frustration. Then a work colleague mentioned Gousto, the meal delivery company. The more she spoke about it, the more i thought..wait a minute. My husband moaned and was not interested...I ignored him.. My goodness it has changed our lives. He picked his meals to cook and I picked mine. However my husband loved it so much, he does ALL the cooking now. He has found a passion for food and is now picking healthier food and even eating salad!!! Its been an amazing turnaround. I still can't believe it. Some of the recipes are quick but very tasty. I just wanted to offer some hope, that things can change. All the best xx
My father use to say "Yor mother isnot a short order cook - whatever she cooks you eat!" My husband (now deceased), learned that years ago. I cook what I think is healthy for me. Meat/fish (protein), vegetables, and a starch for him. When he gets hungry enough, he will eat. You tell his doctor that if he is concerned about your husband's eating habits, perhaps he could come fix dinner for the two of you. Take it easy on yourself. You deserve to be pampered. You are the one with CKD.
Bestmom247, on the funny side, I would love to say that to the doctor, but I don't go in that room these days. It's true, when people get hungry, they eat. Thanks
Are there some things you could eat with your husband? Mine likes to cook hamburger patties, so I eat one half at a time. Do his docs know your situation and what do they say? Ask for a private appt if needed. God bless.
Nonna70, actually only 1 doctor fussed like that. He was loud and I was embarrassed and defensive. I don't believe he would do it again. Yep, there are things we can eat together, and I'll work more on that. Last night he cooked his pot pie and I had sweet potatoes, broccoli and cranberry relish. He had some of my sweet potatoes. I think we played very well together, lol. Thanks for your response.
I just read the note you wrote about love = food for your husband. Same with mine. He grew up in an Italian family, and food was the center of everything good. When I do not want to eat, he gets upset even if I made him dinner. It was very hard when I was trying to lose weight and stick to my renal diet, especially when I went plant based. I would be eating salad, him: porkchops, sausages, had to have a starch like rice or pasta and on and on. Desserts to him were the hug. That was hard for him to not have dessert.
The bottom line was, I told him I was done with making two meals. If he did not want or wanted something else, there's the stove. Of course, that did not work either at first.
Finally, when he got CKD, he wised up. We made food and "activity'" We started with making a weekly meal list. He would tell me what he wanted, and we would work it out to be compatible. And if it wasn't, like pasta sauce, he makes that himself. (He opens a jar and adds meat) If we had desserts, it was sugar free Jello with whip cream or warm fruit. We still have an occasional treat, but it is more special now. We shopped together, fixed together and it worked out. I got him to eat salad as a main course. We do go out, but he knows that I am not going to eat what he does, and that's fine. But it took time. Just like you have responsibility to feed yourself with a safe renal diet, he as a responsibility to feed himself healthy. I know at 85, your are facing a resistance. I finally had to sit down and just tell my husband how his food issues were affecting my health. My husband is now very supportive, especially since dialysis.
But here is the truth... YOU ate the bacon and so forth, knowing full well that it was not going to be good for you. Now you know. Let him do what he wants, and you be more careful and eat the right foods. The fact is, you ARE feeding him enough. He is being a child with a temper tantrum who won't eat his broccoli. If he is not getting enough calories, get him on some supplements like Boost to help. Explain to the doctors and see if they can make him understand.
And one more thing.... I bet your husband is scared that you are sick and wants things to be the way they were before. Also, unless you have symptoms, CKD is silent, and people do not understand how tenuous things are. Bottom line, stop trying to make him feel better by eating the wrong foods. Let him deal with his issues, be willing to talk about them, but you need to do what you can to keep yourself healthy. I kept off dialysis for 6 years with diet. You do not want to do dialysis if you can help it.
Wow and Wow. I LOVE that you and your husband plan meals and shopping trips together. We've done that at times, and it is always a good experience. Subsequently, I get to be firm and say, I'm preparing these two veggies tonight, and you can work on your burger. You're welcome to the veggies.
Yes, I can see that he is a little scared. Ironically, I think he feels better when I stand up for myself. Eating bacon is not standing up for myself.
As always, Bassetmommer has some very good advice. I have a similar situation. Beyond my CKD, I have celiac disease, IBS, congestive heart failure, fairly severe orthostatic hypotension, and autoimmune hypothyroidism. I used to like cooking, but now what I cook is very simple. My husband isn't a picky eater, but he is diabetic and has splenic marginal zone lymphoma, has had a heart attack and his high cholesterol. He doesn't pay attention to his diet or test his blood, and prefers to ignore the entire thing. I fix one meal for both of us, very simple meals. I do eat protein, but in small amounts, and I don't have a huge problem with potassium so I can eat a small serving of potatoes. Most of our meals are meat, potatoes and vegetable. I can't eat anything raw because of the IBS and some other issues, so salads are out for me, but I can eat greens pureed and cooked in soup. (I have done an elimination diet, and know my IBS triggers, and stick to avoiding them). No salads to speak of for us, but veggie soup instead. Hubbie doesn't eat salads anyway. But, even though my husband eats the simple meals, no beef, mostly chicken, turkey and fish, plus some lighter-colored lean pork cuts, he will sometimes say he misses the things we used to eat. I tell him he can go to town and order whatever he wants, but he says he doesn't want to eat things that I can't eat because he thinks it will make me feel bad. I would LOVE it if he went to the church meals or the restaurant more often, because then I don't have to cook as much.
So, what I am thinking also is that perhaps your husband doesn't want to acknowledge the changes in your life, and by wanting you to prepare the same kind of meals you used to, he can go on ignoring that you are both getting older, and life does change. I would also NOT allow his doctors to blame you for not feeding him. Either ask for that private appointment with his doctor, or just prepare something that you will say the next time they bring that up, and let them have it. I understand how men of our generation in general are prone to think. We're a little younger, I'm 76 and my husband is 78, and they have a set idea of how things should go. The wife cooks. Period. My husband has never learned to cook, but somehow thinks he can fend for himself. As long as I cook something and put it in the fridge or freezer for him to heat up, he can. It's possible that your husband won't ever change his idea that you have to cook for him, but you can refuse to feel guilty about not fixing everything he expects you to fix. Cook the meal you need, and if he doesn't eat it, it's not your fault. I do fix a hamburger for my husband when I make a turkey burger for myself, but that's it. For a while I fixed two meals at the same time, but because of the celiac disease, that is very hard to do. Now he eats what I eat whether he likes it or not. It's not easy to get there, and I understand your struggle very well, but it does come down to taking care of yourself and while you can be a caregiver for your husband as you are able, you don't have to coddle him. He should also be in the role of caregiver for you, and learn what he can to help.
Best of luck to you, and do remind yourself every day that you are doing your best to take care of yourself and your husband, but you can't fix everything.
Nana16, I think some of it too, is the way we look at the situation. It's nearly overwhelming to think about what we cannot have, but encouraging to look at what we CAN have. Just about any soup gets an A+ in my book. Nutritious, easy to eat, delicious, and we can control ingredients and seasonings. And thank goodness for the freezer. You've hit a couple of nails on the head.
Have you ever looked into meal delivery services? Some of them are really great - and accomodating to dietary restrictions. You can get them for one or both of you, for a few meals a week or all of them! It sounds like your husband needs calories, so maybe ask a dietitian to recommend bars or shakes he can use to supplement his meals. Best wishes!
Yes, GoodHealthis aJourney; he has turned down such meals in the past. I loved them. Didn't know you could get specialty meals. Truth is, he cooks all kinds of cakes and pies, and keeps a big sack of candy bars, so he gets calories. We both need fruits, veggies and some meats. I think some of these ideas from you all are beginning to gel some.
Don't know why I didn't see your post before now. I'm sorry for that.
I can’t address your husband but I might be able to give you a different viewpoint. I’m your husband. I make it very hard for my wife to cook for us, not because I’m particularly difficult when it comes to food but because I’ve lost interest in eating.
It’s very hard for me to tell my wife what I want to eat because eating just isn’t that enjoyable. My wife only cooks dinner so I have do my own breakfast/lunch, I only eat two meals a day, and I eat the same thing every day because it’s quick and only generates one dish and a spoon that need cleaning. But this means that my wife is constantly yelling at me to eat more.
As we age we lose our taste buds. So at 80 we just don’t have the same ability to taste that we did at 30. This can create a situation where you’re just not interested in food beyond substance. So your husband may just not be as interested in food as he was when you were younger.
As for your BP an occasional spike wont hurt you. I’m orthostatic and typically have high sitting BP 175/X and my nephrologist has given up on lowering my sitting BP because when she does my standing BP will drop to 70/X. I’ve just learned to live with it and not beat myself up when I’m having a particularly bad BP day.
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It's possible that your husband won't ever change his idea that you have to cook for him, but you can refuse to feel guilty about not fixing everything he expects you to fix. Cook the meal you need, and if he doesn't eat it, it's not your fault. I do fix a hamburger for my husband when I make a turkey burger for myself, but that's it. For a while I fixed two meals at the same time, but because of the celiac disease, that is very hard to do. Now he eats what I eat whether he likes it or not. It's not easy to get there, and I understand your struggle very well, but it does come down to taking care of yourself and while you can be a caregiver for your husband as you are able, you don't have to coddle him. He should also be in the role of caregiver for you, and learn what he can to help. 
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