My marriage is falling apart because of my condition

[Squi1992]

My name is Miriam I’m 26 and I am a kidney patient who is going trough a rough time in my marriage. my husband is saying that I’m basically a nuisance and since I got sick he lost love that he don’t want to take care of me and he wants to be free. It just hurts so deep inside my being him trying to pull apart from me blaming me for his depression. He screams at me every time he gets and gets mad for little things that I don’t even do. I don’t know what to do

[Bassetmommer NKF Ambassador]

I would highly recommend you seek a professional counselor to help you get through this. My first reaction to your post was shock and sympathy as I also had a self-centered and lying cheat of a FIRST husband who I stayed with for 27 years. It was so unhealthy for me, but I was taught stick with it and work through it. Except he did not work through it, he just made my life hell. Once we were split, I realized how utterly miserable I was and I found joy in so many things again. It was the best thing I ever did (divorce) But I spent time in counseling to help work though the healing after he was gone. I should have done it sooner. Like five years into the marriage. Don't waste your life on someone who does not deserve you. And get out before he hurts you physically.

[Trill in reply to Bassetmommer]

My story too - except 30 years. I am reading diaries back and from the distance in time I am astonished but how bad it was and I should have left with my children years sooner. Take courage, Squi1992.

[Hidden]

I realize this is an extremely difficult time. As such, this may not be the best time to make a life-altering decision. As Bassetmommer suggested, find a counselor who can help you with both your marriage and kidney issue. You might ask your doctor(s) for a recommendation. I'm not suggesting a joint counselor but someone you can meet with to help you work through each issue. Make any decision you have from a position of strength and assuredness.

If you have other family near you build a strong support team until you have plans in place to resolve your issues and then, from a position of strength, make a decision.

If you need some support and resources available regarding kidney issues this is a great place to get it, without judgement.

[AndrewT]

Dear Miriam,

Do YOU remember your Marriage Vows? ....For Better, Or Worse, In Sickness And In Health....Till Death Do us Part. I'm thinking that your Husband DOSEN'T! You need to Speak, to him, a 'Gentle Reminder' if you like.

You need to explain, in the Strongest Terms you can 'Muster', that you are ILL... UWELL, NOT your 'USUAL SELF..... as in 'IN SICKNESS' and in health.

Of Course you are, very genuinely, 'Sorry' but it's NOT your fault. Your love, for Him hasn't 'Changed', has His love for YOU? If he Does still love you, then the 'shouting' MUST Stop. If he can't then, hard as it Might be- particularly at the Moment- you need to Move On Miriam, you really do.

Writing this is actually 'Breaking My Heart', I come from a Broken Home- I was eighteen when my Parents 'Finally' actually Split- and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy- I really wouldn't.

My Prayer is that, once you have 'Spoken' to your Hubby, he Will realise the seriousness, of your Condition, and react accordingly. As Confirmed Christian, can I offer you BOTH my Very Best Wishes. By all means show, your Husband, my- indeed ALL our replies Miriam.

My you BOTH find the Peace Of The Lord.

AndrewT

AndrewT

[WinJ3]

This is heartbreaking. This is not good for your health. You need to take a deep breath and confront him, tell him how you feel. You two need to sit down and talk. Try to find out why he is so mean to you, just maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing. He could be under stress himself with his job, money, your illness or whatever.

In any event, if you can't get over to him how his actions are effecting you...... I agree with others on here to seek out professional counseling.

Win

[Hidden]

Certainly the added stress can cause his demeanour, but a grown man should know better.

I don't know where you are but here that abuse is immediately actionable by the police, usually taken into custody to cool down.

Whether you are able to work through the issues or not, there is no good reason you should put up with that attitude. Explore your options and make a plan, that suits you.

I grew up with an abusive father, both physical and mental. One trick I used to good effect is to just agree with the dire tribe, it deflates them at the time, but didn't change my point of view. Takes the wind out of their sails and nothing more to argue, rant finished.

[Herkidney]

Dear Squi1992. We are so lucky to live in a time period where medicine is so advanced and that the negative stigma of marital problems is not as great as it used to be. You have been advised by other members that you should perhaps seek counseling. I do not disagree with that advise. However, I do have some additional suggestions for you. Make an appointment with an attorney to discuss your legal options. By simply making an appointment you are not making a definite decision about where your marriage is heading. Rather, you are taking steps in informing yourself so that you can make the best decision for YOU. As individuals with medical concerns, it is so important that we surround ourselves with people who are supportive. Perhaps counseling will address the reasons why your spouse is acting this way. Maybe this is the only way he knows how to express his concerns about your medical condition or maybe it’s something else. Just remember that you can take steps to protect yourself physically, emotionally and legally. Take care of yourself!

[Allank]

Not easy. Good advice above- lawyer, councelling. For sure , when a spouse is not well it adds stress to a marriage even when a husband can be really dedicated and committed. When our needs are being met , it is easier to meet the needs of others , so when our needs are not being met , we can get what we want when we try our best to meet the needs of the others. This is good advice when we have good people who are struggling , but not when dealing with egoistic , self-centered types

[Trill]

And you're so young. So much happy time ahead. I was 50 when I plucked up courage.

[Hidden]

Try joint counseling if he will go and/or see if you can get him to explain his sadness and anger to his doctor who can prescribe medication to change his mood. If that does not work there are many medications available. A psychiatrist knows best about medical management if that becomes necessary.

If he will neither go to joint counseling nor to his own doctor, then seek a divorce with a good lawyer as alimony may be available.

[Bassetmommer NKF Ambassador]

I agree with the lawyer part too. Find out who is pro-female as it does make a difference. This was one of the many mistakes I made and I got royally screwed. Ex and I were the ones who finally decided the end result, not the lawyers who were dragging their feet for almost a billable year.

Please be careful to not get in harm's way. Keeping this a secret is not the path. Make sure you have trusted friends or family who can witness the situation and are able to protect you. I worked with a group that help women in domestic violent situations and it is everywhere. When you speak to him, it might be best to be in a public location with some privacy, like a restaurant or park with people.

Take control of this situation by making a plan. What do you need to get out safely and move on.

I know that may not be what in your heart you think you want. But having a plan alleviates the feeling of being trapped and will help you make a rational decision.

Do you have supportive parents that you can go stay with? Getting away from the situation might be exactly what you need right now. You say he wants to be free,... well he is only going to get more angry when you try to hold on to him. Giving him a sample of what "being free" means might make him figure out it is not really what he wants. But if it is, you will know it.

The last thing....do not feel guilty. You do not do anything wrong. You have a condition and that's it. Being sick it not a reason for people to treat you like crap. It really shows what people are made of: whether they stick with you or run like a chicken.....

You do not deserve this.

[Darlenia in reply to Bassetmommer]

Excellent advice. Putting a plan in place gives one direction, instead of drifting. It really does give purpose and settles the whirling and scattered thoughts. Witnesses are important for documentation, too. (I've written letters for a relative verbally abused by her then-husband for use in court.) And yes, getting away from the situation will give you much needed space, peace and direction. Good lawyers, good counselors, family, friends, and us are on your team. You're not alone. I'd really like to add that I'm a caregiver to my husband who is now on dialysis. The stress can be breathtaking. But I have never, ever hurled cruel words or suggested I didn't love him, etc. I have shaken my head and exclaimed, "Oh, if only you had taken care of this horrible diabetes earlier!" But it's never gone beyond that and I've since quit..knowing this statement presents the obvious and hurts both of us. We care about you. So, onward and forward. Good things await you when you plan for it as Bassetmommer indicated.

[Bet117 NKF Ambassador in reply to Bassetmommer]

Bassetmommer,

I completely agree. Post was heartfelt and filled with wonderful information.

I am grateful that you realized abuse is not acceptable and discovered light and the end of the tunnel. Your experience will now help someone else.

Your courage enabled you to end a terrible situation and thus, the freedom to find the life you now have and someone wonderful to share it with.

🤗

[BffJill]

Unfortunately this disease can make you vulnerable and feel weak and I sometimes hate that about myself. When I was first diagnosed it was hard because no one knew how I felt or what I was going through (silent disease), but I fell like the more I explained and included loved ones about my health and what was going on, the more understanding they were. He should be supportive but maybe he doesn’t completely understand what you are going through, what this disease is. I think a type of counseling would be a good idea, someone to help him understand the disease. Either way you need someone that will support you and be there no matter what. Whether you are happy or sad he should be there as you for him. Good luck to you. I wish you the best

[drmind]

Everything that could be said has been said. I will add that your husband is being emotionally abusive. Listen carefully to what Mr Kidney said and follow his advice closely. Get involved in counseling. If need be, contact your local community mental health.

Keep us update please . You have dozens of ppeople who want to offer support , advice. and love.

[Quita55]

Hello Squi1992 my name is Briana and I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. I want to tell you despite what you're going through there is hope. Squi I am going to ask you to something. That something is go to a quiet place in your home and pray to Jesus Christ, pray that Jesus will soften your husband heart towards you, and pray for yourself to not give up on your marriage, and pray that Jesus give you strength and peace. Pray every day as much as possible. I'm leaving you with some scriptures.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you says the LORD. They are plans for good and not disaster to give you future and a hope.

Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.

Galatians 6:9 So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessings if we don't give up. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Briana

[FlowerPreciousLover]

So sad to hear what you are going through. As others have suggested, the pandemic has made so many facets of our lives worse and uncertain. I hope you will follow the suggestions to find a professional counselor who can help you with both the health and emotional issues confronting your marriage.

Do you have family who can support you emotionally or otherwise if needed? Do you have friends you feel safe confiding in who can lend support?

When one is feeling down or depressed as you said your husband is, it is all too easy to blame whoever is closest at hand and that person becomes the target but not the cause of the other's underlying problems. Would he consider going to a counselor as well?

[Bet117 NKF Ambassador]

Miriam,

No one has the right to mis- treat another person. It is not a sin to take action to protect yourself, your health and help you to find the wonderful life that you deserve.

Bassetmommer and Her Kidney and Trill have spoken from the heart; giving you direction and a start.

Rather than confront your husband; take care of yourself, first. Seek out a friend or family member for support and see a counselor alone, first, and then go from there as you have to know yourself and gain your footing before you can confront another person.

You are a valuable lady and deserve better than you are being treated. Don't go it alone. Let the professionals help you.

Please reach out to us again as one of us will always reach back. You are not alone.

Bet

[medway-lady]

I'm sorry if this offends but can you go back to your parents or stay with a friend as he's really not worth discussing and your better off without him. Sad to say but he'a bully and abusive and might even be ill but it's no excuse for screaming at you regardless of any disease, kidney or not. I can't imagine how difficult it might be but only you can make the right decision for yourself both for today and for all the days to come.

[Mickymoo in reply to medway-lady]

I totally agree medway-lady. Im not well with several medical problems and my partner is so understanding. Everything quite new with me at present but if he spoke to me like that, i wouldn't be with him. Might sound harsh but i wouldn't give counselling the time of day. Hes made his feelings quite clear. I hope you get through this squi1992 and come out better on the other side. Lifes too short!!