Living seperate while pregnant

[Baby-g]

Advice needed... my partner left me 7 mth pregnant he is getting his own flat and we r going to try and build our relationship for baby sake but not under same roof! Its hard already as hes not willing to pay a penny...insists he will buy baby what he needs and he will not pay! How can i build a future with a man who pays for his other 2 kids but not ours... confused to say the least.x

[Baby-g]

I sent a message to him... "I love u but i have to do whats good for baby and not whats good for me now. I cant get over u not wanting to pay for baby when hes born...i never thought ud do that. because u already pay for ur other kids...to me he needs love and kindness but also support. U say u wont pay £15-20 a week even in a bank...but im not willing to ask and belittle myself for even small stuff. My heart is broken but im not having my baby go without. Hel be here in 8 weeks and uve put me in the worst position. Im cuming off this a wile but will keep in touch"

With 8 weeks to go i think im rite to think of myself...really need advice.

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

cmoptions.org

Take a look at this website and see if you can work things out from there. Xx

[Emma_79 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Thanks for this, I’ve just called them myself and feel much better about things...

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to Emma_79]

Happy to hear it was helpful.

[MummyChlo]

The thing is - he is saying he’ll pay for what the baby needs but not give you the money directly - however the baby needs a roof over his head that is warm and safe. The money given for Child Support isn’t just for nappies... newborns don’t cost that much... the time off work and the bills cost a lot! But if you decide to breastfeed all you’re really having to get is nappies and clothes. Everything else isn’t a necessity. So money to help towards the upkeep of a home for you LO will be more use than a pack of nappies a week (because you could always buy the cheap nappies if you needed to - or even buy reusable nappies/terry cloths to save money)

Obviously you want it to work with the father but if it doesn’t you need to be able to find a happy middle ground where you can still co-parent but not as a couple. I didn’t live with my SO when I was pregnant, we were renovating a house that was ready 2 weeks before my due date so talk about cutting it close... it was difficult, but I think a bit of distance helped sometimes (as I was a bit of a hormone monster)

He needs to know your baby is your priority, and no matter how you both end up (either together or not) you’re not going to see your child go without xxx

[Baby-g]

Thankyou ur words helped. Since coming off work ive got pretty much everything baby will need the first few mth. I just think he wants it all or nothing. He only moved in when i got the great news but didnt prove himself atall in those months... i became invisible to him and became down but he was content not having to pay alot for bills. its sad it comes down to money and i cant help he pays alot reciently for other kids but i feel it will not change and hel slowly drift away.xx

[Emma_79]

I am in a similar situation. My partner was cheating so we’ve split up. He has 3 other children and this is my first. So far he’s paid for things like nursery decorating and NCT classes and pram. But he doesn’t mention maintenance. I’m getting some legal advice on this but the facts are it is very difficult for them not to pay, whilst you are not living together he has a legal obligation to pay you. You can either agree this or go through the support agency, I know the name of this has changed recently so I need advice myself on it. Good luck, we can do this!

[lilYrOseMor]

I am really sorry to hear your story, but you are brave and you acted with dignity. Maybe try to forget about him an maybe you will have a new partner who will bre a better father and a better husband. Isnt he bou d by law to give child support? Good luck and I hope yo have a safe and easy delivery and a happy baby

[JNDuce12-13]

I’m newly single at 13weeks pregnant. You are well within your rights to ask for money regularly. You might want to remind him that he can calculate the amount himself on the gov site and pay it you or you can go through CSA where he can pay up to £20 extra in just fees on top of his child support. And that if you get back together obviously he won’t have to pay it.

You absolutely need to think of yourself and your baby right now! I’ve been a single mum to my first child from 4months old and now from 13weeks pregnant with this baby. And just to get through the day you need to reduce the emotional upset on yourself and the back and forth. It’s hard enough without having to have this constant battle with your ex. Him paying only £15-20 a week is minimal, it’ll cost you a lot more to house, clothe and feed a new born. And well as the emotional cost to you, it’s hard work. He’s getting away very lightly. Do what is best for you and baby! It’s all you can do! X

[Hidden]

Really need to think about yourself and baby if things work out then great but doesn’t sound he’s really making much effort. If it’s his child he is legally obligated to pay until the child’s 18. Through the CSA or whatever it’s called now there’s 2 ways they calculate a figure and he pays direct debit or where they get a court order and they apply to get it direct from his work. It’s not as easy as you think there’s loopholes and takes a long time. Also the amount depends on how often he has the child over night. There is a lot to think about doesn’t have to be decided straight away either, you can have a private arrangement too which sometimes they’d prefer but make sure it’s what u want.

[Maria3333]

This happened to me 13 years ago. Since then I have married and have 3 more children and my husband is a great stepfather to my eldest son. I know how harsh this sounds but I wish someone had levelled with my back then so I will be straight with you. The things I regret are 1/ putting so much time and emotional energy into trying to make that relationship with my first child's father work. I thought i was doing it for my child but won't get back that time I could have been enjoying his first months instead of trying to reason with his father 2/ giving the father overnight access too early - even though it was a disaster, it resulted in the court granting access, which was very distressing for the child. I had to get child psychiatrists reports and appealed it. Make sure your child is ready for overnights before you 'try it'. And remember it is not about being fair on the father; it's about what's best for the child.

Advice from someone who has been there: consider yourself alone in this now. Enjoy your baby; this is a wonderful tine with or without a partner. If he wants to do the legwork to make it work and support you both that's great but it's not in your hands so you concentrate on looking after yourself now. Your job is to take care of yourself and your child: if the father is there to help, great, but you can't rely on that. Make sure you are financially independent of him. If he won't contribute financially, and you cannot support yourself and the child, go to the courts and get maintenance, apply for welfare, do what you have to do. This is a special time for you and your child. Do not waste it looking for support that isn't there. Single parenthood can be just as fulfilling as parenting as a couple. It's the stress and uncertainty of a relationship that's not working, that can damage you and your child.

[Baby-g]

Thank you. So much help in the replys. Im now stopping my contact and fully focusing now on my last trimester. Xx

[Baby-g]

Will all the nastyness stop! Im now screen shotting them as its constant and just like hes racking his brain to find the worst things to say...but ends it with ill proove u wrong...my mum always said hes manipulating me...but i couldnt ever see it. Do i have my blinders on and will i ever be brave to really forget him and stop feeling its mt fault.x😟

[mcbaby45678]

Of course you will, lovely. You will concentrate on your last bit, and your little one, and forget about him - block his messages and get some legal advice if you can. At least he has shown his true colours before the baby's arrival. Do you have a supportive family?

[Baby-g in reply to mcbaby45678]

Yeh the best. Mum was always gonna be joining us at birth so not much change with that. Thankyou for ur message x