Pregnancy jealousy

I'm feeling really blue lately. I've been trying to get pregnant for the last 3 years off and on and had no success and it's really starting to get me down. I'm currently loosing weight in the hopes that will improve my chances as I weighed 16st 5lbs and was obese.

My husband seems to have a lower sex drive than myself (we have a 13 year age gap) and although he says he wants a baby, and I believe him, he never seems to want to have sex and when he does its while I'm on my period. I know that he is self conscious and is worried about maintaining his errection and ejaculating too soon. I have tried to reassure him that I love him no matter what and that maybe he should see a doctor if he is worried but he won't go.

Now i feel like his lack of confidence is rubbing off on me because I feel like there is something wrong me because he doesn't want sex and I can't seem to get pregnant.

To top it all off a family friend of mine just had a baby. She is 5 years younger than me and seemed to get pregnant with ease in fact I'm not sure she was I think it may have been an oops moment. So I'm feeling pretty useless at the moment and finding it really hard as everyone around me seems to have babies and I don't.

I realise it sounds really self centred and I'm trying to do thing to distract myself and make myself feel good about me but it's hard esepcially when my period comes around every month and it's like a giant reminder that I've failed. I have a big hang up about failure as I had depression back in 2008 when j got stressed and ended up dropping out of a teaching course because I was failing. Being a teacher was one of my big life goals and it took a lot out of me when I had to rethink what I wanted to do. I'm not sure I can hack not being able to achieve my other goal whixh was to be a mum.

11 Replies

  • This is the first post I have replied to. Dont be sad. All the stories I hear are that when you stop putting pressure on yourself it will happen naturally....I got told I would probably never have children and may need a my head round that...went for routine operation and found out 5 weeks pregnant. dont despair just try not to let it be the only focus. If you are mjeant to be a mum then you will be....hope that helps...e x

  • Hello, I can understand how you are feeling. Have you spoken to your doctor?

    Been through a similar situation of losing weight and trying to find time to exercise - difficult when you need to of you marking I know.

    I was pushing 15st but managed to get down to just under 12st which made me feel so much better. The doctor referred me to a fertility specialist and they were able to help us to conceive by looking at patterns with my cycle.

    I really would recommend speaking to your Doctor. Hope all goes well.

  • Hi pinkymoo,

    First, congratulations for addressing your weight and doing something positive to help your fertility. Have you been doing anything else such as tracking your fertile days/cycle? I was surprised when I first looked into it at how little time we are fertile for each month.

    Me and husband had unprotected sex for 4 years before I became pregnant. We weren't intentionally trying, just careless, but when nothing had happened for so long I just assumed that one of us had an issue. Eventually after three and a half years I wanted to know if children would ever be on the cards for us in the future so I went to my GP. They did a blood test which checked hormone levels, everything came back normal and although I know there are a million other things that can cause issues with fertility I left it at that and decided not to have further tests for the time being. The next step would have been for my husband to give a sperm sample, but as we weren't really intending to get pregnant in the next couple of years there seemed no rush (and my mind was sort of put to ease with the results of my tests).

    As you are actively trying I'd recommend seeing your GP, even if you don't want the tests they'll still be able to give you some advice and hopefully reassure you. As other people have said, the more consumed you become with falling pregnant the more pressure you put on yourself, and sometimes this is the least conducive thing for your situation. And talk to your husband so he knows how important this is to you. Give him time to explain how he's feeling too. Perhaps he's also concerned about his fertility, or because there is so much focus on making a baby that the act feels forced and he isn't keen to initiate sex because he also feels under pressure.

    Sometimes you need a little help, sometimes it just takes longer for some people than others, and sometimes, for some people, a family is created from a pregnancy they don't carry. It makes them no less a parent than anyone else. If being a mum is one of your goals in life there are many ways to make it happen. Regardless of what happens, a pregnancy does not make you a success in life, so a lack of one can't make you a failure either.

    Keep positive. xx

  • Hi Pinkymoo, you are so brave and you are a wonderful woman and you are not a failure. My husband and I tried for 10 years to get pregnant and it was only when we'd given up and convinced ourselves that we would live without children that I got pregnant 8 wks ago. Your jealousy is just a coping mechanism, that's all and nothing to feel guilty about. It got to the point where I laughed at parents pretending to be happy and called new mothers breeders. Facebook is the worst, parents constantly posting photos of their perfect lives right in your face. I felt guilty that I couldn't produce a child for my husband, I self medicated with alcohol. I reacted bitterly to questions about why I didn't have children as though I'd made a choice. Parents would poo poo my opinions and advice as someone who didn't know what they were talking about and I can't describe the bitterness I felt when a niece fell pregnant at 16. You are not alone and your feelings are normal and probably justified by your frustration. I won't preach, but will share what I did in case you see anything of use. Get help. See a fertility specialist. It was only 2 years ago that we finally discovered what the underlying issue was by MRI. When medical complications following surgery meant it looked as though it would end in hysterectomy we gave up then the little bean popped out of nowhere. Lose the weight. Not just for fertility but for yourself. I joined Slimming World and lost 10kg over 12 months. It made me feel better about myself generally. Yoga, swimming and walking loads helps to clear the mind. Get a dog. Gave me something to focus my nuturing need on and made me keep fit and helped flag basics of what our caring skills would be like. Talk to your husband. It is only very recently that I discovered that for 6 years of our "trying" time that my husband didn't feel he could support a family, emotionally and financially. They're cleverer than you give them credit for and they know when the possibilities of conception are higher. Be kind to one another, you'll need each other when you are successful. Hone those communication skills now. Talk, talk and talk. Take control of your fertility. I downloaded a free app called My Days X. It tracks your periods, weight and temp and indicates your ovulation window. Over time patterns in behaviour become glaringly obvious and can be basis for conversation with your partner. Get someone just for you. I meet with a creative therapist who specialises in fertility and child rearing issues on a fortnightly basis. This is my space away from the noise of everyone else's opinions and advice, where it is safe for me to be myself. Look into alternative therapies. I use accupuncture, a lady recommended by a good friend who'd had 3 mc's before conceiving with help of this practitioner. I won't say don't give up, because that's when it happened to us :/ But take control of your life. Find happiness where you can, seek it out. Don't squander your life on negative thoughts. It's a waste. I know. Love yourself and everything else will come good anyway and everything will be how it should be. You're already on the right track and you are not alone. There are loads of women and men who understand exactly where you are coming from. Let us know when you need us. There is no rule book to life - Every one of us is learning all the time.

  • hello, Im in no way a specialist so this is my advice, thoughts and knowledge. stop feeling down on yourself, it seems all your energy and focus is on making a baby. understandable when its wanted so deeply, but.... you need step back and start afresh. . focus on your health, and wellbeing for a start. enjoy life and your partner. Second, sex or lovemaking should be exactly that. enjoy your partner and enjoy sharing the intimacy. he may feel like hes only wanted for his sperm, if that makes sense. eating well and being healthy is a great start, make a happier healthy you. . you are not a failure!!!! you are not alone and you wont be the last. I know many who have regular sex and no baby, others have one time occasion and fall pregnant. In your body you literally could have only 1-3 days to concieve out of this whole month. My advice would be to relax, take a step back and focus on life...once your mind and wellbeing is brighter seek advice or help on working out your cycle.

  • Sweetheart firstly can I say your an amazing woman....firstly for dealing with so much disappointment so far.... right lady today you start thinking positively.... you love your husband and life is about you both.... THEN you work on the baby making xxx unless you are both relaxed and calm it's very difficult to conceive xx

  • Hey my lovely, I totally understand that aching inside, there is no way to explain that feeling to someone who has never felt it. It took my partner and I 7 years of unprotected sex before darling Phoebe came along this year. I thought it would never happen and started to cut off friends and family who fell pregnant. I told myself they didn't deserve to be. I would recommend seeing the docs yourself even if hubby won't go, and bring him some literature back to read. In the meantime just keep going, don't know what we suddenly did differently- maybe it was just our time. I wish you the best of luck, stay positive xxxxxx

  • Hi Pinkymoo,

    I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through. Although you are overweight your periods are regular and that is good in itself. You are doing the right thing to loose weight and most ladies who loose weight go on to conceive. However you need your husbands cooperation, you have to have sex when you are ovulating, to increase and boost your chances at least 2 to 3 times a week to get the best sperm. You have to stop stressing, your husband may feel under pressure to perform and hence all the problems. Try to put the romance back into the relationship. Try not to show your husband that you are desperate, that puts men off. If you have been doing the ovulation test don't show him as this may turn him off. Think of the days when you were madly in love and did not think of babies and that is what you need to aim at getting back. Continues loosing weight, eat well, supplement for both of you, stop stressing about it, if it was meant to be it will happen. Check out Hypnosis e.g Debbie Williams on you tube, as a lot of things can stop women from conceiving. Zita West is very good too, they are all on the internet. Best wishes for the future. XX

  • I fell pregnant bery easily with my first unplanned and planned a second and fell pregnant easily. The baby i an expecting now was not such an easy journey it took us 3 months of trying before i got pregnant to then miscarry after that it took us another 10 months to co conceive again to miscarry again then it took us another 6 months tp fall pregnant again abd toucheood i am 14 weeks pregnant with our little miracle after not carrting my last two pregnancies this far. So there is hope just dont lose faith give yourself a break from trying and it will happen.

  • Thanks for all your advice. It is much appreciated and has helped me get some perspective. Sorry I have only just replied. I decided to take a little break from the net to avoid baby photos and the temptation to google anything remotely baby.

    I saw my new mummy friend yesterday. Baby was grumpy and wouldn't settle and whilst I got that familiar sad pang that I wasn't a mum I was able to tackle it by thinking about how lucky I was at the moment that I didn't have to cope with a screeming baby and could eat my bbq lunch at a leisurely pace and do it in full sun (with sunscreen on) rather than stay in the shade or indoors and try and juggle an unhappy baby that wouldn't settle. Having said that I still sat inside with her to keep her company and she thanked me for that which was nice.

    I'm trying to focus on keeping myself healthy and enjoying myself and all the positives I have in my life. Hard but worthwhile I feel.

  • Going to chat to my doctor in september hopefully as I'm due a blood test for my thyroid (it's underactive). I want to check thst I'm as healthy as I feel after loosing all this weight and if there is anything else I can do to help with concieving and my health in general. Was dead chuffed today as I lost another pound despite being on a residential trip with our year 6s and not having much choice of food to eat. Now lost 4st 13lbs. Only 1st 6lbs to go until I'm 'normal'.

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