My wife has decided to leave me after only 3 years of marriage. We met 7 years ago in 2013 when I wasn't disabled yet, but about 4 months after I was diagnosed with MS. Our first date we walked 5 miles by the lake. I used to be an electrician and was very strong even for years after being diagnosed. I worked until the end of 2013 until I just couldn't any more. Even then the term progressive MS was being thrown around because things were so aggressive. In 2015 I was also diagnosed with POTS, dysautonomia and small nerve fiber nueropathy caused by other autoimmune conditions, which honestly have probably been worse then the MS. Received Social Security disability finally in early 2016. About late 2016 finally labeled progressive MS for sure. We got married in 2017 and I've gotten much worse since even then. I still walk with a walker but barely. I thought she knew what all this meant? She has Fibromyalgia and CFS but has gotten much better since we met. Even earned her PH.D in her field that I helped support her through and just got a new high paying job she starts next month, but now she just says she cannot do it anymore?!?!? She is promising to pay spousal support, but I don't trust her anymore. My Social Security is barely 1/3rd what I used to make when working. Not sure what I'm going to do. I'm 43 now and my mom died last year. My father is still around, is in perfect health for age 76 and is very supportive, but we have never been super close. My Mom and I were very close. Trying not to be stressed or worried as much as possible because I know that makes things worse, but it's hard not to be not knowing what the hell I'm going to do now. The only hopeful thing, I guess, my wife suffers from very high anxiety and depression that I will not actually miss. She is a great person though as I am too....so sad
Wife is leaving me :(: My wife has decided... - My MSAA Community
I am so sorry u r going thru this. Also sorry for ur loss.
It all seems really bad rite now but it can get better. I cant promise that but u sound like a positive person at heart.
May i suggest therapy? Not sure about ur insurance but i know mine has free to me video therapy. I talk to my therapist once a week and believe me i wud be lost without her!!!
Also know we r all here for u wen u need to vent!
I see a therapist as well thru the local Catholic Charities for free. Couldn't do this without therapy. This disease is just to hard. Especially since my mother, who was my main support system, died last year.
Here's a fun one for you all.
I've had neurological issues my whole life. I was adopted and my birth parents were 17 years old. God only knows how they screwed me up. Anyway, I grew up with tremors and a severe debilitating speech impediment which totally cleared up about when the MS, etc. started. It's actually funny because I'm probably happier now with progressive MS then when I couldn't communicate hardly at all. When I was in my teens and 20s I remember praying to God i will trade my physical abilities, that honestly were probably very above average, just to be able to talk clearly. Now, as I struggle with even a walker and a ridiculous amount of chronic pain, I can speak as clear as day. Honestly, I will take the trade any day! 🌈
I knew u were a positive person at heart!
I used to be able to speak clearly. Now it takes me forever to spit out the smallest sentence. But i can still type so i am all good with that! 😁😁
Thru all the pain, challenges and heartache there is always a silver lining. Even if we have to get a marker and draw it in! 💜💜💜
Something you don't want to hear, Stay Strong! I am so sorry, divorce is so brutal; mentally, physically, emotionally. I myself watched my partner walk away. He was the one, and he broke my heart, 21 years of marriage, 28 years total together. I don't regret a day. I do regret that he was not strong enough to withstand this battle with me. But looking back (its been 10 years now); and looking at today, it was probably for the best. He was not the person I saw him to be, he would not be able to handle what the MS has and continues to do to me.
MS is a illness that is not cut and dry. Each diagnosis is a different battle, we are each individual to the battle. Yes there are simularities, but we are each unique in the battle. Additional and new auto immune deceases tend to follow to each other, another perk we get.
You will be ok, life has away of working things out for those of us who look to the positive. You are dealing with the loss of two very important people in your daily life. Think fondly of your mother and your cherished memories. My mom has been gone a while now, I miss her every day. But, I still talk to her, she was my rock. Reach out for counseling, get up to watch the sun rise, stay up to watch the sun set, find your peace. Stay positive, try to find the new you. May not be the future you dreamed of (mine definitely is not); but its your life, your future. It will take time, I still work at it every day, but life is there for you and you can enjoy it.
Sending hugs, love and peace your way. Love you, love the life you define!
I will go with the therapy as well, not to get drugs, to talk to somebody who is actually trained to listen and provide constructive support. I personally recommend having a good long hard cry. Better to get it out rather than keeping the hurt in. You sound positive, keep it up. 40+ you had a lot of years, hang in there only 40 or 50 to go.
I am so sorry about this loss. Has she definitely decided to leave, or is there any hope of reconciliation? Would she go to marriage counseling?
No matter what happens, please check into all that MSAA may be able to do to help or point you in the right direction. There are so many services available, but it's hard to find them all.
Please come here to vent whenever you like. We are here for you. This group has been my main support since I was diagnosed.
Yeah she's sure about divorce. We tried marriage counseling but sometimes in hindsight it was almost like the counselor was looking at me and almost trying to say to get ready for it because she isn't built for this mentally.... I guess I want a divorce too. Her depression and anxiety are not good for me or my health either.
So sorry to hear about your divorce. It is hard to watch your spouse deteriorate & some people just can't handle it. My husband used to be Mr. Energetic hairdresser/instructor. He had heart quad bypass surgery 8 years ago & his colon ruptured during recovery. It was touch and go for a month but he finally came through it. But he isn't the man he was before the surgery. He has almost died twice since then. It has been hard watching how he has physically deteriorated. He can barely do anything anymore without having to stay in bed for 2 days afterward. It not only changed him physically but mentally too. He doesn't think so but I can see it. I'm sure the same thing goes for me with MS. I was diagnosed in 2005 just as he was starting to build a career in the hair business. He knew a lot of the high end/famous hairdressers and they wanted him to work with them at the shows. But he felt he couldn't do that with a wife with MS. So we have both watched what has happened to each other & it has been very difficult for both of us. I only have RRMS, I can only imagine what it's like with PPMS.
All in all, relationships are hard enough without adding health issues. Remember you have us at this site to talk, vent, laugh or ask for prayer. Prayers going up for you to find a solution to your financial problem.
I've never heard anyone say they "only" have RRMS.
"Most people with relapsing-remitting MS -- about 80% -- eventually get secondary progressive MS. The relapses and remissions that used to come and go change into symptoms that steadily get worse. The shift typically begins 15 to 20 years after you’re first diagnosed with MS.
Sorry to hear this. I hope there’s a silver lining for you. I don’t need to tell you about stress, so head on over to Headspace and get a free trial of their meditation app. Once you get the idea you won’t need the membership.
And anything else you can focus on you to keep you healthy. What you think matters.
Lots of good advice here already!
Maybe the silver lining is some hefty spousal support payments coming your way! If she has a high-paying job and you helped put her through school, AND she left you with only social security to support yourself, you will be entitled to quite a generous monthly amount. It won’t last forever, but the longer you can drag out the divorce proceedings, the more “credit“ you will get toward the length of your marriage.
Maybe this sounds calculating... but you do need to think about not being a burden on others, and how to survive financially with no way to work. It seems to me it’s fair.
You have one shot at arguing for generous spousal support, so don’t forget to list ALL the expenses related to your disability, especially to replace the care, transportation, and maybe health insurance your spouse was providing. In my state the court garnishes their wages directly from their employer if they fail to pay.
Wow. That's a lot thrown at you. You've had wonderful advise and thoughts already. All I can add is she obviously did not have a backbone. You are the strong one and you Will make it. We are here to listen and give advice if you need it. Some (like me) don't know as much as other but can be your cheerleaders.
I am very sorry to hear about your life changes. You are still young! (You and I are in the same age group.) Try starting a new life. Imagine if she had left you in 20 years. You are truly lucky it happened now.
Be strong and feel free to vent here. I agree with the people suggesting you get professional help.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. It will get better, life will get better. My spouse left before I was even DX'ed, and it was the best thing he ever did! I wouldn't have made it dealing with MS, raising a child, and working every day AND having to deal with HIS moods. All is well now, my son is grown, I am retired, I still have MS, but I am still here, and he isn't! Hang in there!
So sorry for your loss and sorrow. Please be assured that even though your mom is gone you are not alone. We are here for you and I believe God always has you in His arms, no matter how lost we feel. Sounds as though your wife is the one who doesn’t possess the strength needed to manage life. God Bless You and we won’t let this disease conquer us
I read your story. Goodness I couldn't believe what I was reading. But please know how strong you are and don't give up. I feel I've had a very challenging 5 years recently. Everything thrown at me but it's made me so much stronger. You are a strong person too. I know that in the things that you said in your story. This group has been so supportive to me. Be sure to touch base with everyone. You will feel better and we do understand what you are up against because we deal with it every day. Be sure to do something that you find enjoyable to make yourself happy that you look forward to doing.. And remember, you have friends here. Many blessings to you.
This happened to me also. It's great that you're on therapy. In the world of being disabled in most situations will present a thin line for a decision with the fear of whether a spouse would want to become a caregiver. Statistics show that between 45% to 50 % of marriages seized from spouses that could not handle that responsibility. So be forgiving at let prayer take its course.
Wow, that is a lot to shoulder all at once.
Perhaps she is choosing to walk away in fear of failing you and your future needs. She really may not be able to physically and emotionally handle the MS and POTS and feels this is her only option. Unfortunately, you are the recipient of this insecurity. I hope you are each in talk therapy individually and/or together.
Losing your mother, someone you were very close with, makes things even harder. Maybe call your dad and go to dinner. I found my dad mellowed a lot by 76. You will need an emotional support system. Are there close friends or former colleagues you can call on? Disability should help you with a physical support system.
Stay as active as you can. You are stronger than you think. Maybe not as you were when working as a electrician. Keep up with your hobbies. Start a new hobby. Find what works for you. Research nutrition and MS. There is a huge correlation. It might ease some of the symptoms.
I wish you the best of luck, my friend.