New Member: Husband of a wife with Checking OCD(long post)

[neneaoi]

Hello,

First time poster here. I am the husband of someone with Checking OCD. I came here to find out more about this life-changing disorder, to hear how others have been coping or recovered, to find out ways to help my wife and to help myself not become too stressed. I also would like to hear from other family/friends who are in similar situations.

Background:

My wife started OCD behaviour in her mid-20's. She may have had signs of it even younger but it wasn't affecting her life nor was it big enough of an issue that anyone thought it was a problem. She has been living with it for over 10 years.

She identifies two major events that led to her current condition being noticeable:

1) Having had a stalker follow her back to her apartment and banging on the door while living alone

2) Having been given a managerial role of a shop in which there was a big jump in her level of responsibility

Her main obsessions/compulsions are:

- Fear of boogeymen entering her safe zone, causing a fire/damage to a property that is under her watch, losing valuable items to a thief while not at home, fear of sending wrong items/messages to recipients.

- Checking to make sure the gas stove, electric appliances, bathtub water heater, locks on windows/doors, closet doors are turned off/locked/closed.

- Taking pictures on her phone of various things dozens on times so she can confirm the status of them later on.

She became very stressed at work and was never fully able to close up the shop she was put in charge of for fear of destruction or theft. She would stay behind for hours sometimes. This also extended not just to the shop but affected her ability to leave her own apartment for fear of someone getting in. After many breakdowns, it got so bad that she decided to quit her job and move back in with her parents so at least someone else was in the house to help her. She also quit her job and, at the advice of her mother, opened up her own shop. Although she loved the work and her little shop/brand, this just exacerbated the condition as it made her more fearful and protective. At one point she was hospitalized and received drug treatments which did very little to help her and caused her body to become even weaker and more sensitive.

When we met I was not aware of her situation as she kept it secret from everyone except her immediately family. On the surface she was very energetic, always smiling and had a very active social circle. When I first was told about her condition when were dating, I didn't really comprehend the level of seriousness and pain it was causing her. She was, likewise, scared that I would abandon her. I am a very rational, logical and somewhat calculative person so when I first started to witness her behaviour such as opening and closing the oven door dozens of times or putting her hand on top of the gas burner to make sure it was off, I was dumbfounded and often irritated at such senseless acts.

After many arguments and tears, we got a better understanding of our daily lives and routines and I decided to marry her and help her recover as much as possible. So far we have been making small progress but it comes in waves and sometimes she is very irritated at the smallest things that I do such as my tone, word choice or forgetfulness. We have been making new rules to our lives such as:

- Matching our schedules to leave the house or her shop(I go to pick her up in my car) together so two of us can check at the same time. If she has to do it alone she might get panic attacks and stay behind for a long time.

- Having me check her products and delivery addresses before sending them out

- Adding extra locks in places she feels vulnerable about

- Trying to turn the checking into a time limit game by running station to station

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't work based on her mood and health. If she can keep a positive mood and if I can also keep positive motivation(not always the best at this) then she can quickly move on. Once she is out of the house she is totally fine.

One of the major initiatives we have decided to undertake is to move out of the city and into the countryside to a place safe enough where people generally don't lock doors, neighbors are always out and greet each other(few strangers), fresher air and healthy food, change our kitchen to electrical and IH appliances, move her shop from a physical shop to an online shop with a small workshop/warehouse in the countryside house. I work as a consultant so my work is 90% remote and that enables us to take this on. We recently found an ideal house and rural community and plan to purchase it(owner has decided to sell to us and we agreed on the general pricing) and DIY renovate part of it ourselves.

We plan to have children soon and she is immensely afraid of passing on her condition to that child. We hope the new environment will alleviate some of her symptoms but that isn't guaranteed. I guess we just have to take things one at a time and stay positive and avoid triggering her responses by keeping her healthy and stress free as much as possible.

I also have never talked about this to anyone, including my own parents, but I do feel some comfort in the annonyminity of strangers who know about our daily struggles. I would love to her ideas, comments, critiques about our story so far. Even if nothing, If you have read until here thank you for your time.

VI

[MothFir]

First, you are a great person for wanting to help your wife and for staying with her even as you discovered she has this disorder. As many people have said, OCD is not just a problem for the person with the disorder; it is a challenge for everyone close to them.

In a nutshell, my advice is to get a therapist who understands OCD and specializes in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, which is generally considered the most effective treatment for the disorder. If that is absolutely not an option, there are lots of self-help materials and apps that can help your wife practice ERP and move toward recovery.

If you haven't heard of it, ERP is essentially the practice of exposing oneself to the ideas and situations that one fears and then NOT doing the compulsions that one typically does to relieve anxiety. Your wife would need to eventually leave the house, send out her products, etc without excessive checking and without your help. This will make her very anxious in the short run but it is the most effective way (maybe the only way) to really break the OCD feedback loop and win her freedom.

So the concept is simple ("stop avoiding situations that trigger you and stop doing compulsions") but obviously it takes imagination, practice, and a carefully planned, gradual strategy to carry it out. (Otherwise your wife, and everybody else with OCD, would have "just stopped doing it" years ago.) There are different approaches to ERP and different ways of framing the fears and obsessions, and they resonate differently with different patients. A good therapist can tailor a recovery approach that challenges your wife and helps her improve without overwhelming her or causing her to be discouraged.

You'll notice that this sounds very different than the approach you are taking now. That is expected, because it is natural for everyone with OCD to think that practicing avoidance and rituals are the ways to gain mental peace, and it is natural for their loved ones to want to help them carry that out. So please don't take offense, but I think that most of what you are doing currently is exactly what you should not be doing, and I think your plans to move to the countryside will not solve her OCD.

I say that not only because I believe that is what most OCD therapists would say, but also because I have had OCD for nearly 40 years and it has been my experience. My OCD has taken various forms throughout my life, and as I learned to live with one form it moved on to another. At different times I have checked the house and appliances, reviewed conversations to be sure I had not offended someone, ruminated on religious issues and whether or not I was acting morally, washed excessively in fear of contamination, and checked mailings over and over to ensure I had addressed the envelope correctly and not written anything offensive on its contents. After I developed a "workaround" that accommodated the OCD in one area, it moved on to disrupt another part of my life.

Here's the starkest example to make that clear. I do not photograph professionally, but I love photography and take it seriously. When I travel I work hard to capture the places I visit. Up until 2018 I still photographed with film. Although I did not recognize it as OCD at the time, I had myriad obsessive behaviors associated with the fact that I could not know for sure what results I was getting because the film did not get developed until I returned home. If I took some pictures that I thought could be very good, I would ruminate for hours about whether I had exposed the film correctly, whether the camera was steady on the tripod, whether I had focused properly, whether I had truly captured the right moment, and so on. When I got home and sent the film off to the lab for processing, I would check and recheck the addresses to make sure it would not be lost, and the processing instructions to make sure I had correctly told the lab what to do. When I finally had the finished slides in my possession, and none of my fears had materialized, I worried that they would be damaged, lost, or destroyed by one calamity or another.

Then I finally switched to digital cameras -- I could see my results instantly and keep them safe online, and all my worries about photography disappeared.

I do not think it is a coincidence that about a year later my OCD fears about contamination (which I had not experienced since I was a child) came back with a vengeance. At first I was afraid I'd contaminated my car with a drop of battery acid so I compulsively cleaned and recleaned the whole car over a period of months. Then that fear subsided and I began obsessing that I would get an infection from my contact lenses -- I was so careful that it took up to 30 minutes for me just to put them in my eyes, and another 30 to remove and store them the "right" way. Then I moved on to fears of rabies and contamination by animal saliva. At some point in all this mess I realized I could no longer function around my OCD, and I was making my wife and daughter miserable. I started ERP with a therapist, joined a support group, and exposed myself to as much information about OCD and its treatment as I could. I have finally found a mindset and system of behavior that enables me to function normally -- when I stick to it. When I go back to my old ways, and start responding to my obsessive fears as if they have merit, I find myself back in the old cycle. But at least I know how to get out of it now.

So I think if you move to the country and eliminate some of the things that bother your wife now, her OCD will just find new things to latch onto, and in time you will be back to the same struggles. That is not to say you shouldn't move (I love living in the country), but you shouldn't expect it to fix the OCD. However moving may provide an excellent opportunity for your wife to "reset," making the ERP easier. Sometimes a person with OCD develops so many anxious memories around certain locks, or stoves, or routines that the anxiety is triggered just at the thought of confronting them. If your wife indeed finds some relief from a new setting, it may be much easier to prevent new compulsions from developing than it would be to eliminate the old ones she has established in her current life. But you'll both need to be vigilant about detecting new OCD behaviors and be willing to put up with some of the short-term discomfort ERP requires.

Here is a webpage by one of my favorites therapists who has treated OCD for decades and does a good job explaining what is needed to recover: anxieties.com/97/ocd-four/

And here is an inspiring article about choosing recovery over fear: cognitivebehavioralcenter.c...

Tackling OCD is a big challenge but so is living with the disorder day after day, month after month, year after year. Unless your wife is a special case, it may come and go as you work to accommodate it, but it will frequently dominate big chunks of your lives. Since I have developed a better understanding of what weakens my OCD and what feeds it and makes it more powerful, I have had periods of mental peace that I cannot remember having for years. If your wife can find a way to handle the anxiety that comes with resisting compulsions and standing up to the OCD, she will paradoxically begin to feel much less anxious, and she will have fewer and fewer days where life seems like a constant progression from one perceived threat to another.

Also, you said "I am a very rational, logical and somewhat calculative person so when I first started to witness her behaviour such as opening and closing the oven door dozens of times or putting her hand on top of the gas burner to make sure it was off, I was dumbfounded and often irritated at such senseless acts." I completely understand, as I and many other people with OCD are logical and rational -- in most areas of life. It's only where OCD has taken over that we behave in crazy ways. To help non-OCD people understand why, I came up with an analogy that a few people have said is helpful. It's a little dark and brutal, but so is OCD:

Imagine you and your wife are sitting in a room and someone walks in with a pistol. They demonstrate that it is not loaded, and they allow you to handle it and confirm that it's not loaded. Then they allow your wife to confirm that it is not loaded. Then they ask you to take the pistol, point it at your wife's head, cock it, and pull the trigger. Would you do it? I wouldn't, and neither would most people, at least not without some overwhelming and difficult-to-imagine reason. Why, though? Three people have confirmed that the gun is not loaded and it poses no threat. But the act would feel so wrong we wouldn't do it. We would know that if somehow we were all mistaken, and somehow the gun was still a threat, the consequences would be horrible and something we'd have to live with the rest of our lives.

That is how it feels to have OCD. We "know" the stove is off, the locks are locked, and the packages are addressed correctly. But something still feels wrong, and we feel that the consequences of being wrong are so dire that we can't take any chances. Recovery is all about cultivating behaviors that dismantle that faulty view of the world so that the patient develops a healthier, more accurate assessment of risk and consequences. They begin to see that checking a lock once is enough to maintain an acceptable level of safety, even if at first it feels careless and dangerous not to check it over and over and over until their OCD is (momentarily) satisfied.

Finally I should mention that antiobsessive medications (like SSRIs) are helpful to a great many people. They usually don't take away all the symptoms on their own, but they can weaken the obsessive urges and make ERP therapy easier to accomplish. I take a medium dose of fluoxetine every day.

I hope some of this is helpful and is not discouraging. I just believe that trying to work around and accommodate OCD is futile in the long run, because it will always find a way to torture its victim. Confronting and challenging it has been the only approach that has helped me finally realize that all of its threats are empty, and I don't need to rearrange my life in response to them. Best wishes!

[LuvSun in reply to MothFir]

As always I love to read your responses- that are so helpful and on point. Thank you

[neneaoi in reply to MothFir]

Dear MothFir,

First of all thank you for such an insightful, frank and informative response. That is what I exactly wanted to hear.

I am astounded but very inspired by your battles with OCD over such a long period of time. Your experience and advice have been very encouraging and thought-provoking.

Actually a month ago she was going through another bad wave and was crying almost daily. This is probably due to a huge number of stressful events coinciding with each other and she wasn't able to process it all. We had just registered a new company, she was in the process of closing down her current shop, she had gained a few requests for work collaboration with 2 large companies, a friend had cancer and was about to pass away and we had been bickering here and there. She said she wanted to see a doctor once things calmed down. I was reluctant because she had explained to me in the past that when she had been hospitalized for OCD the outcome was worse than when she had gone in. She also has a sensitive body so she avoids taking any types of medication, processed foods or supplements as much as possible. We decided that she should get a general medical check up but not specifically for OCD next week once things calm down. Based on that diagnosis, we will see if she needs to go for more.

She did mention she had some ERP therapy in the past but I am not sure how effective it was for her. She mentions it here and there but I don't think it is applied in her daily life. I will recommend that to her again but I am sure she is more informed about it than myself.

I am glad you were critical about our next countryside move initiative. Actually I had a feeling that it would just push the issues aside but it's good to hear that those fears are corroborated by others. However, we are both excited to change our environment and I think may reducing stimulus to her OCD it will allow her to feel more relaxed. As you said, her OCD may mutate to another form and new obsessions or compulsions may develop, but this time if they do, they will be coming from a reset mode and we can identify and work on them one at a time, while as what she is dealing with now comes from a decade of urban environmental lifestyle that started when she was totally alone and in a dark place. Most importantly, she says herself that she feels more positive about the countryside environment. For me, that simple answer is enough to make a change if things haven't been working out so far.

Thank you for your resources and links. I will read them slowly. Also your analogy of how one with OCD feels while they are battling themselves is very enlightening. I was never able to put it to words myself as an outside spectator to her compulsions. I had always attributed it to something ridiculous like she sees a mischievous ghost sitting on top of the gas burner that I cannot see, and until she has a conversation with that ghost to make sure he won't cause harm, she is unable to move or leave.

I am not sure if she is ready to deal with her OCD head on, but with your advice, I will now keep that in mind. Living with OCD forever is also not the most ideal situations in my book either but I did not want to exacerbate her condition by being too forceful when she isn't mentally ready. Hopefully her recent round is really due to the huge amount of work so once we clear those things out of the way we can make that our New Year's Resolution and give her to space and time to battle with OCD using ERP therapy methods. Maybe the countryside setting will be the best location to support ERP therapy with less distractions.

Thank you again for your time and encouragement.

Best,

VI

[MothFir in reply to neneaoi]

I'm glad some of my comments were helpful. I should have also recommended a book by the therapist with the anxieties.com website (Dr. Reid Wilson). It's called "Stopping the Noise in Your Head," and it addresses other sources of anxiety in addition to OCD. Since a lot of your wife's struggles seem to have started with a traumatic experience, it might be especially useful.

[neneaoi in reply to MothFir]

I found it on Amazon but its only for Kindle, which I haven't used before. Might be time to look into it, though! Thank you for the suggestion!

[Bella1583]

MothFir's reply was spot on. Another thing that came to my mind was that you have to make sure that she still leaves the house like every other day. By not leaving the house she could be avoiding most of her compulsions. Otherwise, a whole new set of problems could develop. Due to her past trauma she could become agoraphobic. She could become scared to ever leave the house. Also, make sure to take care of yourself. It can be exhausting and consuming.

[neneaoi in reply to Bella1583]

Thank you for your concern. Actually she leaves the house quite often. Actually more than I do as I can work from home but she has to physically be in various places. She says she considers herself the the lighter end of the ocd spectrum so once she is out of the house she doesn’t dwell on the obsessions or compulsions. Also it’s easier for her to leave when she knows I’m staying behind so there is less checking. When we both leave together there is more concern. And when she has to do it alone we are both worried about how she can pull through.

But clever time tabling and scheduling tends to save us a lot on uncertain situations.

[Bella1583 in reply to neneaoi]

I mainly meant when you move and she is working from home.

[neneaoi in reply to Bella1583]

Ah I see! We still don't know what our lives and daily schedule will be once we are in the countryside. I imagine that we will be out and about in the garden, taking walks in the morning, going to the beach which is a few minutes drive away. Other than winter I don't see ourselves being locked up. We also plan to travel during winter so hopefully we don't get too confined.

[3BirdLover]

MothFir is absolutely correct. You are in a difficult spot. Your wife needs a OCD special therapist. Please do not settle for any therapist. It must be someone that really is trained with OCD.

My poor husband struggled with me for years. I understand that it is so hard to know what to do for her and how to help. With OCD sometimes trying to help her yourself just causes increased anxiety/OCD and helping her to rely so much on what you think, rather than herself learning how to cope. This is what happened to me. I became dependent on my husband's input and his opinion that I lost all confidence in me. You two cannot do this on your own, and there is NO SHAME in that. This is a disorder, not a decision.

There are so many good books out that will help you cope and learn, but the first thing is getting the therapist. She may also need some medications to help her in this venture. OCD is treatable!!

[neneaoi in reply to 3BirdLover]

Thank you for your clear advice. I’ll ask her about her previous treatments and what kind of therapist she was seeing. If it was OCD specialist I’ll try to find one.

[3BirdLover in reply to neneaoi]

On the iocdf.org website on the home page there is a link to "find help". If you put in your zip code, you will see a list of some therapists in your area that should be OCD trained.

[neneaoi in reply to 3BirdLover]

Thank you! Unfortunately.. we live in Japan.. at the mental health resources are not as open or available as compared to the USA...

[KGun]

Very fist thing is finding a therapist that specializes in OCD. One of the first line treatments is called ERP or Exposure Response Prevention I believe where the person is exposed to their theme (my partner suffers from a variety of “themes”) so if it’s a contaminant issue they are exposed to a contaminated object and have to hold off on washing their hands as long as they can or until the impulse goes away.A good psychiatric team and therapist are the first step.

[neneaoi in reply to KGun]

I think she has received ERP in the past as she is aware of it. But I’m not sure why it didn’t work or wore off(if there is such a thing). I think she has adverse effects to the drugs and that caused her overall therapy to not have been as effective as she had hoped for and she came out feeling the therapy was o really a negative experience. So maybe we need to try one more time and avoid or be very selective about the drugs prescribed to her.

Thank you!

[waniniko]

Reading the post and I agree with most advice here. I would like to send hugs your way. You are a good spouse and support for her. I love your attitude and may it bring positive rewards towards the situation for both. It helped me to join my teen therapy sessions where the psychologist allowed. It helped me and her too. If/ when your wife restart the sessions which is important to, hope you can join your wife for some of the allowed ones. All the best and take care!