How’s everyone doing?
So i haven't spoken for a while but its coming up 18 months/2yrs and I'm struggling.
I get depressed a lot, i get anxious and ill a lot and i struggle to work/socialise daily. I struggle to get up, i struggle to be at work, i struggle to work, i struggle to have the brain power to socialise/the dyspraxia, a body and mind that constantly drags my soul! The forgetfulness/the lack of automatic responses/1st responses that just don't bloody work! The issues know one sees but they choose to judge you anyway, the worry, the second guessing, the feeling of fighting alone for yourself!
I suppose I’ve tried to ignore and hide my problems and kept expecting get back to normal; once i’d got better, once i’d got over the initial major things... that it would just take time, but it’s not; and i don't like the person I've become. I dont know who i am anymore or who i am supposed to be, or what i did and didn’t have before the illness! Im one of those people that just love to work hard (or i was) ... one of those people that loved to get stuck in, a hard worker! I loved nothing more than physically working hard! NOW... i pretend, i try, i fail, or i need a million breaks or one every second just to do one task. I've never known FRUSTRATION like this ever! I get low, my body gets low and I'm constantly in a vicious circle!
I put off talking to anyone; maybe i think that’s excepting it if i do💭 🤔... maybe i think that makes me weak, makes me look weak or makes people judge and not except me more, maybe its because I've not lost a limb and feel like I'm FORCED to FEEL LUCKY, yet my limbs don’t work properly, my mind doesn’t work properly, my voice doesn't come out, my eyes stream, my anger lashes out, my patience is lost, my soul trapped, my thoughts mixed up, my body at loggerheads, food feeding my emotions but killing my insides like poison and my insides unable to look after me... medicine taking me out yet my organs needing more... what do i do... a Chinese medical doctor... a herbal doctor... force myself to talk to someone... I’m at a stand still, in a rut, trying to exist!
I wanna become a different person, a better person, changed in a good way.
Yet this constant battle with my head and my body and the outside world is torture...
What do you do when your iron and vitamins are low, you have a kidney infection and you could just cry having to get up in the morning never mind going work and trying to do a days work!
I worry a lot; i can barely do anything yet i have to pay my bills :/
Love You All! 💖
#Iron #frustration #ill #bacterialmeningitis #septecimea #pneumonia #pain #headaches #anxiety #judgement #work